GOOD THIN-KING

For years, people have asked me how I manage to stay so thin. The truth is, I don’t think I’m all that slender, but I guess compared to the national average I would be considered among the more svelte members of the American population.

I think what amazes most people with regard to my light-weight frame is how I eat, which my dietitian girlfriend would describe as “unwell,” to put it politely. I personally don’t think I eat all that unwell – again, comparably speaking. But then, I don't have a degree in nutrition.

What's my diet? I enjoy things like Cheetos and potato chips, lots of dairy, plenty of pork, and large helpings of homemade brownies. But I also eat a lot of sushi, salmon, spinach, and other vegetables (when forced to). To me, a balanced diet means eating what you want, but only half the time. The real skinny is exercise, and I have a very special exercise technique that enables me to stay active all day long regardless of where I am and what I'm doing. It's called THINking.

All my life, people have been telling me I think too much. About everything. I worry and I obsess and I fret and I imagine the worst. Blah blah blah. I’ll have you know that all that extra thinking requires a LOT of extra calories. Yeah – my secret to staying so fit is a long-term regimen of extreme mental fitness. The more I think about stuff, the world, my life, my personal relationships with friends and family, my job, my health, and so on, the more calories I burn.

I stay thin by THINking too much. I think in the shower, in the car, in the elevator, in the bathroom at work, in line at Subway, and pretty much everywhere I go. Always thinking. Constantly jogging around a pool of ideas in my mind. Tirelessly climbing stairmasters of thought, and lifting tons of imagination over and over again. It's quite a work out, but it gets results, as evidenced by my girlish figure.

So if you're looking to shed a few pounds or shave a few inches off your waistline, consider becoming a heavy thinker. It works for me.