BROKEBACK FOUNTAIN

There’s been a lot of pre-Oscar buzz surrounding the smash hit “Brokeback Mountain,” a film about two cowboys, home-o-sexual on the range. Have you seen it? Does your wife know? Did you have a row all to yourself? Just curious. No – not curious like THAT. Let’s move on, okay?

I have NOT seen the movie yet, but I do plan to challenge myself to sit through the DVD when it is released – just to know what all of the fuss is about. (I’m secretly hoping there will be a setting on the DVD that will let me watch the film without having to watch two dudes flame broil each other’s Whopper.)

Homophobic? Me? Please. I just have a homopreference not to watch men kiss. I think gay marriage is a great idea. I think gay parents can raise a child just fine. I even checked out Chicago's Gay Pride Parade last spring. Gay is okay by me. As a male, however, I personally don't care for the sight of males getting it on. It's the same queasiness I get when I watch two ugly people pawing at each other in public. Yeah - you know what I'm talking about.

Anyhow, I can’t help but notice a lot of folks jumping on the whole “Brokeback” bandwagon to capitalize upon the phenomenaughtiness of it all. Here are just a few examples of what I’m talking about…

I read in Rolling Stone that in the works is a remake of an AC/DC classic, a true tribute to the band’s name, called “Brokeback in Black.” The tight-fitting tribute is set to be recorded by the recently renamed alternative rock band Nickelbrokeback.

At Target the other day I saw they were selling a board game called Brokebackgammon – the rules are apparently the same, only the board is painted in festive pastels and rolling the dice is called "hopping on the asswagon.”

I read in the Wall Street Journal that unemployed homosexuals are asking to be called Flat Brokeback.

According to the Sporting News, placing large bets on the San Francisco Giants or San Francisco 49ers is considered “Going for Brokeback.”

In Variety, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is making another Terminator film once the Cauliflowernians vote him out of office. His catch phrase in the sequel “Fudgement Day” is reportedly, “I’ll be brokeback.”

On the IRS website there’s a new section for gay marriage filers called “brokeback taxes.”

George Lucas has started filming his Pre-se-pre-pre-se-quel to Star Wars, the hidden story about Luke Skywalker’s infatuation with Han Solo called “The Empire Strikes Brokeback.”

I’m not sure what to think of this trend, but it sure does seem to indicate to me that Brokeback Mountain stands a fairly decent chance to take halter-top honors at Sunday’s Oscar Wilde extravaganza.