VICE PRESIDENTS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

Vice President Dick Cheney inadvertently made a case for stronger gun control this week when he “accidentally” shot a hunting buddy firing at a rising covey of quail. The victim was an acquaintance and contributor who thought Cheney meant something entirely different when he said the Republican Party needed a “shot in the arm” prior to upcoming mid-term elections. Initially outraged, most Americans were quick to forgive the Vice President upon learning that the man he shot was a lawyer.

The news got a little worse for Cheney when it was later reported the victim had suffered a minor heart attack thanks to some birdshot that had penetrated his internal organs. THEN today it was revealed that Dick had sucked down a beer at lunch that fateful afternoon. Tomorrow I'm expecting they will announce that Cheney has been legally blind for over a decade.

President Bush has remained out of the spotlight over the course of this drama, but unconditional support for the Veep has been implicit in his Foreign Policy philosophy: Shoot first and ask questions later.

Some have expressed concern over Cheney's admission to drinking a single beer at lunch, as everyone knows that one beer means at least three. Ask any state patrol officer who's ever pulled over a DUI suspect. They've got a cheat sheet for assessing true consumption levels based on admission:



If they admit to..........Then they likely had...
1 beer........................3-4 beers
2 beers......................5-8 beers
A few beers................No fewer than 9 beers
4 or 5 beers...............12 beers and several shots
6+ beers....................A controlled substance of some kind

According to administrators at the event, a small situation developed after the hunt when, on the way back to the parking lot, Dick asked, "Who wants shotgun?" and everyone within earshot scrambled for cover.

Want to try your hand at a little quail hunting Dick Cheney style? Click here. Be sure to check out the featured article after you take your best shot – it's a fucking scream.

A White House Story: "I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!"

Don't be silly, Dick. You'll shoot a contributor's eye out!



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