There are a lot of signs I am getting older, but the most disturbing, by far, is that I’ve noticed myself breaking wind in public without even noticing it. It just happened at the water cooler. I was filling up my ceramic mug with hot water to stir up an afternoon cup of hot cocoa when I suddenly caught wind of something dreadful. That’s when it dawned on me that I had just loosed a gaseous ass beast. I fled the scene of the crime immediately, but was followed closely by the persistent brute for a good minute or so before finally losing the stinky bastard out on the fire escape.
When did I get so old I stopped noticing that I was farting? It’s something I remember my sister and I giggling about when we were kids – our great grandmother shuffling about the house, farting noisily and entirely unaware of it. And here *I* am – much younger, and outside the comfort of my own home – letting slip heinous air biscuits as carelessly as I might sniffle or clear my throat.
Maybe it’s got nothing at all to do with age. Maybe I’m just losing my mind. I’ve clearly let down my guard where social embarrassment is concerned, recklessly polluting the air with utter disregard for any humiliation it might cause me. I wonder how many times I've been trapped in an elevator wondering who farted, when all along the guilty farty was me. There it is again! That smell! I think I need to call the gas company because I've definitely got a leak.
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On a separate note, someone just informed me that the Olympics have started. I had no idea the Olympics were so near. Did you? Aren’t those marathon runners going to get cold trekking about in all this cold weather?
What's that? Winter games? Oh.
I knew that.
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