HIGH CLASS PICTURE

This picture features the bravest student in the history of the Chicago Public School system. He probably also has a rocket arm and gets picked first before every game of touch football, the little glue-sniffer.

Go Bears!





Did you know that, at the start of every NFL season, more bets are placed on the Bears to win the Super Bowl than any other team? Every season. Doesn't matter how good the team is supposed to be - Chicagoans bet money on da Bears. We're crazy stupid like that. Same goes for the Cubs. We love a good long shot - especially if our team is that long shot.

This season the Bears started as 12-1 odds to win it all. Not terrible odds - but not the greatest, either. Didn't matter to the betting public. And now Chicagoans are betting on da Bears in record numbers. But what worries me is the line. The line on the Super Bowl opened at 7 and hasn't moved. All that action on the Bears and the line hasn't budged a point. Why do you suppose that is? Someone's covering all those bets without thinking twice about it. Leads me to believe someone's taking care of business on the inside. Watch for an unevenly called game. Or perhaps Sexy Rexy is on the bookie's payroll. More than a couple unforced errors at key points during the game could be a sign that something is up. 7 points is considered a pretty big spread. Is the Colts offense really that much better than the Bears D?

And here I thought DEFENSE wins championships. Last I checked, the Colts didn't have much of one. Something smells fishy to me here - and not in a good way. This game is going to be a lot closer than people think.

My prediction? Bears 97, Colts 3.

Unless Rex has a good game, of course, in which case we'll probably break 100.

HAPI BETDE!

A friend here at the office turned 40 today and was shocked when I informed him that he was beginning his 41st year here. He told me that factoring in the time he was in his mother's womb didn't count. I assured him I was not considering that time at all.

"Your birthday records the number of years you've COMPLETED," I explained, "Not the number of the year you are in."

"Come again?"

"When you turn 1, you're not starting your first year...you're DONE with it. Your first birthday celebrates an entire tour of duty here. One full year completed. When you turn 40, you're celebrating having gone around the sun 40 full times. So you're actually ushering in your 41st year. You just kicked off year 41 of your life."

"So when I was 39..."

"On your 39th birthday you were actually beginning your 40th year."

He suddenly walked off muttering something under his breath and hasn't spoken to me since.

DON'T BE A SQUARE

Looking for another timewaster?

Check out this Squares Game. You just move your center square around eating up a bunch of other squares - but watch out for the red squares. They're very BAD!

I've played it a number of times and topped out around 9,000 points and 100 squares. They claim the high for the site is over 18,000. Hard to even imagine!

It starts out pretty easy but gets progressively more difficult as the speed of incoming red squares increases. Plus, the size of your original black square gets bigger the more squares you consume! HINT: The circles give you special powers. If you get the invincible one, just start wiping the screen clean and ring up points fast!

I also dig the techno dance beat in the background. Really gets me fired up...

NOW THAT'S SUPER!

Do you know the origin of the name “Super Bowl”?

Don't lie. Nobody does. It’s just one of those words that’s been around forever and no one ever stops to wonder why. It’s the Super Bowl and that’s that. As far as most Americans are concerned, the term Super Bowl has been around since the signing of the Declaration of Independence and is written into our nation’s Constitution. We don’t question its origin because it’s not important. What’s important is what the Super Bowl stands for – a chance for Americans to worship two of their favorite false idols at once: sport and media. I can't wait to find a good spot in front of that enormous HDTV television and settle in for 5+ hours of extreme overeating and overhyped coverage.

Where traditional holidays are given to family, televised cultural events like the Super Bowl (and the Oscars to a lesser degree) provide a good excuse for gathering with friends. It’s like a second Thanksgiving – this time with junk food and drunk friends. Nevermind the turkey...could you pass that 7-layer taco dip! And who brought these mini beef roll thingies? They're incredible!

So where DID the term “Super Bowl” come from? Okay, I’ll tell you. A little closer, please – I don’t want everyone to hear this. It’s actually an off-the-cuff combination of words jokingly uttered by one of the original organizers. Here’s what happened.

Back in 1967 there were two football leagues, the National Football League and the American Football League. The former was the original league; the latter was an upstart rival. After 7 years, the upstart rival AFL became successful enough that people started wondering which league was better. So it was agreed upon that the champion of the National Football League would play the champion of the American Football League to settle things once and for all.

The Commissioner of the NFL, Pete Rozelle, suggested they call that game “The Big One.” A creative genius he was not. Nor was AFL Founder Lamar Hunt, who recently passed away. But it was Lamar's term that ultimately stuck. He claims he was thinking about all of those college football championship games that had been called "bowls" for years when he said: “This game is going to be like a ‘super’ bowl!”

And upon hearing those words together, everyone in the meeting just looked around at each other and agreed: “That name totally sucks, but let’s use it anyhow for now…until we can come up with something better.”

True story - even the last part. “Super Bowl” was intended to be a stop-gap name – a placeholder they’d use temporarily until they could work out something more meaningful. Super Bowl, after all, was kind of generic. Super? Bowl? Why not just call it the Uber Mega Ultimate Super Championship of the Universe? Because Super Bowl was alsmot perfect in its simplicity.

And so today, all these years later, we're still calling “the Big One” the Super Bowl. And a super day it is certain to be...

A DANDY LION INDEED

I love this one. Two 11th graders in Southampton, Hampshire managed to pull off the ultimate school prank. Or perhaps I should say "pull out."

A couple years ago the unnamed duo sprayed weed killer on their school lawn in the shape of a monstrous penis. School staff since re-seeded the damaged area, but not before satellite photos memorialized their feat from space. The appendage can now be seen on Microsoft Virtual Earth and other satellite mapping programs.

Looks like the kids of Southampton High have a new "hang out."

TO SPOOF A PREDATOR

Here's an amusing spoof of those Dateline "To Catch a Predator" shows. The end is the best part.

...AND I FEEL FINE

Are you familiar with the concept of rapture? I recently decided to familiarize myself with end of the world, and this was the word that kept coming up. Rapture. Rapture. Rapture. What's a rapture, I thought. So I looked it up.

Some dictionaries list rapture as a sensation of absolute ecstasy, like the rapture Chicagoans are likely to feel when the Bears upset the Colts on Sunday in Miami. Or the great Rapture certain to envelope America upon Bush's exit from la casa blanca. In theologian terms, however, the “Rapture” means something entirely different. It’s the term used to describe an upcoming event where Christians are taken by God to Heaven – which sounds like a pretty cool deal, except that a lot of folks aren’t invited to the big bash in the sky. Nope – a bunch of us are going to be spending eternity on the curb outside of the 7-11 - lost and without hope.

Voted out of the tribe in Heaven.

Curious? So was I. So I dug a little deeper. For those of you as ignorant about the fundamental tenets of Christianity as I am, here’s a frightening look at the end of the world as we know it.

According to Biblical prophecy, the Rapture is scheduled to occur 7 years before the end of this age. What age is “this” age? That is subject to interpretation, but let’s assume for our soul’s sake it’s the one we’re in now. The age of "now" I like to call it for simplicity's sake. So there’s a 7 year period at the END of this age…and at the end of those 7 years, Christ will be coming out of retirement for his long-anticipated encore performance. The big show is being billed as the “Second Coming,” and while Jesus was one groovy guy (by most modern accounts), his reunion tour is expected to be a complete catastrophe.

Literally. Yeah - by all accounts, when JC comes back, he's all business.

But let me back up for second and explain why Christ is coming out of retirement in the first place. In the interim 7 years between the Rapture and the Second Coming, there is the expected emergence of someone by the name of Antichrist. That would be our antagonist. I used to hear "Antichrist" and think of folks like Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chavez, Hillary Clinton, and Pat Robertson. And my grandmother swears it's Paul Wolfowitz. But according to my sources, the real antichrist is going to be a charming, childless man from Europe. And he’s going to really start mixing shit up.

At the end of 7 years, the planet is going to be in such a state of disarray that Christ will enter stage center wearing a kung-fu robe. A Battle Royale ensues. I read that Don King is already promoting the event on his website, promising plenty of pay-per-view entertainment for the terrified masses. And the executives at FOX are even kicking around some programming concepts for when the Apocalypse is in full swing. Of note are two shows, the first one a reality TV show centered on a “band of brothels” trying to promote procreation in a world where sexual dysfunction and disinterest have become the norm. This one would be called ‘Armageddon Laid’. The second will feature a guy who turns McDonalds restaurants into churches in an effort to promote faith and community on a mass scale as only the best branded corporations of our time have managed. This show will be titled ‘Prophesize Me.”

No, not really. I shouldn't joke. This is serious stuff I’m talking about here! I only make light of the end of the world to bring it to your attention. Do I have your attention yet? No? Okay...let me try terrorizing you. While JC and this debonair European antichrist dude go Armageddon on each other, it is expected that a THIRD of the world’s population will be exterminated. That’s like 2.2 BILLION people! Do I have you attention now? Yeah – this Rapture thing is pretty intense.

Of course, my entire tongue-in-cheek description here is just the Cliff’s Notes version. And it's not even that accurate depending on who you ask. Most Christians don't even agree on what the Rapture will entail, or when it will come. For a more complete explanation, I recommend a good Protestant Bible (the Roman Catholics, I should note, don't call it Rapture at all). If you're too busy to look it up yourself, this is what you need to know about the end of the world:

Good, God-fearing Christians will be saved and the rest of humanity will suffer a great end.

Totally uncool if you ask me. What about the billions of people on this planet whose religious beliefs are contrary to the teachings of Christianity? There are a lot of genuinely good people in this world who don't believe a word of the Bible. Presuming there's any credence to the concept of Rapture, wouldn't they be worth saving?

I have a calculator at my desk and I did a little number crunching. There are roughly 6.5 billion people in the world. If a third of us are wiped out, that leaves 4.3 billion people left to start over again. The number of people expected to depart earth is roughly equivalent to the total number of Christians in the world. Is this a coincidence? Are we all guest starring in the final season of LOST? Here is the population of the world broken down into religious figures, pardon the pun.

1 Christianity: 2.1 billion (1.1 billion of which are Catholics)
2 Islam: 1.3 billion
3 Secular/Nonreligious/Agnostic/Atheist: 1.1 billion
4 Hinduism: 900 million
5 Chinese traditional religion: 394 million
6 Buddhism: 376 million
7 Primal-indigenous: 300 million
8 African Traditional & Diasporic: 100 million
9 Sikhism: 23 million
10 Juche: 19 million
11 Spiritism: 15 million
12 Judaism: 14 million
13 Baha'i: 7 million
14 Jainism: 4.2 million
15 Shinto: 4 million
16 Cao Dai: 4 million
17 Zoroastrianism: 2.6 million
18 Tenrikyo: 2 million
19 Neo-Paganism: 1 million
20 Unitarian-Universalism: 800,000
21 Rastafarianism: 600,000
22 Scientology: 500,000
23 Universal Way of the Jolly Llama: 1...but catching on fast!
There sure are a lot of different ideas out there! And most of these systems of belief are mutually exclusive by design. That is to say, to have one faith is to deny the faiths of others. Religion isn't a Chinese menu off of which you can mix and match different dishes to suit your spiritual taste. Not in theory, anyhow. Historically, people have been told that one discipline is the true discipline and everyone else is on the wrong path. There's a frightening rigidty to it. But in practice, there's a lot of customization going on today. Globalization has brought world's people closer together, exposing us to more ideas and different thought. More and more people are opening their minds to ask "what if"? So the lines in this pie chart aren't as solid as they appear - there's a lot of crossover going on as the colors start bleeding into one another.

Ask around and you'll find actual beliefs vary widely - often within congregations! There are over 2 billion Christians all lumped together in the largest piece of the pie, most of whom disagree with one another on some pretty basic ideas. with so many different messages out there, how is one to know which ones to listen to and which ones to tune out?

We tend to take religion and make it our own. We personalize it. We internalize it. We shape it to fit our lifestyle. It's spiritualism for the new millenium - and for one world. A best practices thing is happening here whereby ideas with merit stick, while those rooted in antiquity are phased out over time. Perhaps that is what is happening with Jihadist Islam today. A miniscule faction of militaristic muslims are discovering there's little worldwide support for their brand of extremism. Killing people who don't share in your beliefs is not among those religious practices civilization chooses to encourage. So they are meeting resistance and have been largely confined to desolate, dangerous places. They're fighting for their dying beliefs like a cornered animal...but the world's civilized people have collectively said "no" to terror. The global human organism understands that the cancer of violent religious fanaticism must be destroyed for the future success of the species.

But I digress...

What were we talking about? Oh yeah. Rapture! So let's get to the part you've been waiting for. WHEN IS THE END OF THE WORLD? Well, according to Rapture Ready, the website tracking our progress toward the end of the world, there’s a lot of disturbingly prophetic activity going on that would indicate the end of the world is nigh.

You can check out the Rapture Index here. Looks to me like we’re speeding toward the Rapture right now! The Rapture Index is a visual measure of world catastrophe intended to predict the Second Coming. It’s basically a snapshot of global strife that changes from day to day. As events in our world unfold, some good and some bad, the Index increases or decreases. And, believe it or not, according to the Rapture Index, we’re on an upswing right now that could be signaling the end of days.

According to my calendar, the end of the world is scheduled for late 2012. So that leaves us all a few more years to atone.

I'm no theologian. I'm actually the first one to admit I know VERY little about religion. But I honestly don't know about all of this biblical prophecy stuff. I tend to think the end of the world is going to be a lot swifter than any of us can fathom. And like an ant in the shadow of a footstep, we probably won't even know it's coming.

Except Chuck Norris, of course, who will ready and waiting.

ANIMAL CANDIES

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, so here's a timely link to some candy-related news. It's an update on the folks at Necco, the candymaker behind those little heart-shaped sugar bombs kids have been passing around for decades. There are 10 new phrases to look for this year, and they have a decidedly animalistic bent to them:

• COOL CAT
• PUPPY LOVE
• TAKE A WALK
• MY PET
• BEAR HUG
• TOP DOG
• URA TIGER
• GO FISH
• LOVE BIRD
• PURR FECT

And I've also been working a few extensions of this theme for next year's batch:

• PLAY DEAD
• PET ME
• BARE HUG
• DOG STYLE
• IN HEAT
• I BITE
• NICE TAIL
• WHIP MEOW

THE iNCREDIBLES

Here are some fantastic Photoshopped creations of imaginary future Mac products. My personal favorite is the iBrator. Sweet.

Graphic designers are colorful folks.

PROCRASTINATORS OF AMERICA REJOICE

Tax day has been postponed two days this year and will fall on April 17, 2007. That's two more days to let that stack of tax forms sit on your kitchen table. Two more days to say, "I'll do it tomorrow." Two more days to watch American Idol uninterrupted. Turns out April 15th falls on a Sunday this year, and Monday the 16th is Emancipation Day, an obscure holiday for the folks who live in D.C. - so your taxes aren't officially due until Tuesday the 17th. And that's all you need to know about that.

LOOK WHO DROPPED IN!

I love stupid criminal tricks. This surveillance video is a fucking classic. They pieced together video footage from outside and inside surveillance cameras to show you how NOT to rob a liquor store. The star of this short clip is a real winner whose mom should be very proud.

And if you're thinking of knocking over a booze mart, please take notes.

GOVERNMENT SNOW PLOW

I WON'T STAND FOR THIS!

I found out something really disturbing a few weeks ago and I don’t know who to talk to about it, so I am just going to share it here. I have lived my entire lifetime unaware that there are people in this world who stand up to wipe their ass. And the people who informed me that this was the way they cleaned their house were equally shocked to discover that there are people in this world who wipe their ass while seated.

I remember it came up in casual conversation among friends during my New Years trip to Austin. I can’t say exactly how we arrived upon the topic of asswiping, but it is really not so uncommon for conversations with me to plunge into the defacatory realm. I guess you could say I like to talk a lot of shit. Shit is something we all know about because we all do it. I personally find the topic a nice icebreaker. It’s like the new weather.

OLD: Did you hear about that storm headed that way?

NEW: I find bananas really clean me out. Have you enjoyed similar success with any other fruits with peels?

But back to the fecal matter at hand. I remember a comment was made, and for clarification I delved a little deeper, at which point it became quite clear that the folks I was speaking with preferred to stand while wiping their ass. The ensuing look of shock on my face gave me away as a sitter. There was suddenly silence. No one knew how to react to this earth-shattering revelation.

It really felt like two worlds had collided – we just stared at one another, awkward and a little afraid, adrenalin pumping…not unlike, I would imagine, the colonists and natives coming face to face for the very first time. Who ARE these people, we thought of each other. So similar to us...and yet so very exotic and strange.

We immediately demanded from one another our rationales for sitting/standing to wipe and were awestruck to realize they were identical! I was told that the only way to really get access is to stand up. And yet, when I stand up, my ass cheeks naturally swing back together like saloon doors – which, frankly, I find dangerous. One moist dingleberry and you’ve got ass pancakes. Not pretty.

I’ve always just reached back from my seated position since my cheeks are already at maximum spread. It just seems it would be a safer, more effective method for asskeeping than standing up and trapping anything that may not have pinched entirely free.

I don’t know – I just don’t see it. And yet I was told by several people (whose hands I will never shake again) that they preferred to stand and wipe. Me? I won't stand for it.

STAMPEDE!

I borrowed a stamp from a coworker today and it dawned on me that I hardly have a need for them anymore. I pay virtually all of my bills online now – at least the ones that aren’t automatically deducted every month. Needing a stamp today made me think back to the stack of bills I used to have sitting on my desk. Paying them all used to be such a hassle. Writing out all those checks, stuffing the envelopes, paying for stamps, and marching down to the mailbox. These days I pay bills in between checking e-mail and checking scores. I click a couple of buttons, type in the amount, and hit send. Done. Bills paid. And since I’ve never been the thoughtful type who sends holiday and birthday cards, my need for stamps has really waned in recent years.

But that didn’t stop me from appreciating the novelty in the link I'm about to share. For a small upcharge you can actually order custom designed stamps with your own personal photos on them! Like, for example, if you’re a sorry ass Packers fan, you might want to turn that popular photo of Rex Grossman getting his ass blasted by a Packers lineman (you know the one I'm talking about) into a postage stamp before mailing out your invites for this year’s Super Bowl party. They’ve even got a library of photos you can go through. Are they real stamps? Please. You did not just ask me that. Of course they are, silly.

If you still use stamps and have a few minutes to upload some pics, this could be big fun. Check it out!

EVERYDAY MAGIC

Before he started appearing on those car commercials, this magician was just a street performer. Check out some of his routine here. Damn good stuff.

BLUE ORLEANS

Do you know what today is? It's blue monday!

It's the day "experts" believe is the gloomiest, most depressing day of the year. And for folks in New Orleans and New England, blue Monday is certainly living down to the hype. Both NFL teams suffered agonizing defeats in yesterday's conference championship playoff round, leaving tens of thousands even more miserable than normal on this dreariest of all days.

Why is Blue Monday considered so blue? A combination of factors contribute: weather, debt, time since Christmas, time since failing our new year's resolutions, low motivational levels, and the feeling of a need to take action. Yes, we're a bunch of cold, broke quitters with a list full of things to do and no motivation. No wonder we're feeling so blue!

At least those of here in Chicago have da Bears, so for us it feels more like Blue and Orange Monday. If we're not feeling well here it has less to do with the weather and more to do with the amount of celebrating we did last night. OUCH. I noticed that Vegas already has da Bears listed as 7 point underdogs. I like it. Nothing gets us midwestern folks riled up more than lack of respect.

Personally, I don't feel so blue today. Probably because of the massive crap I took this morning. Nothing like a power dump to start the morning off right.

NEIGHBORHOODS WITHOUT NEIGHBORS

Here’s an interesting theory on why our nation's arch conservatives are so fucked up. The author offers an insightful look into the despair of suburban communities and suggests this feeling of hopelessness is having a profound impact on ideology. I found a surprising amount to agree with in this well-articulated opinion piece.

Here's an excerpt:

"The engine that drives the radical Christian Right in the United States, the most dangerous mass movement in American history, is not religiosity, but despair. It is a movement built on the growing personal and economic despair of tens of millions of Americans, who watched helplessly as their communities were plunged into poverty by the flight of manufacturing jobs, their families and neighborhoods torn apart by neglect and indifference, and who eventually lost hope that America was a place where they had a future.

"This despair crosses economic boundaries, of course, enveloping many in the middle class who live trapped in huge, soulless exurbs where, lacking any form of community rituals or centers, they also feel deeply isolated, vulnerable and lonely."

That's good stuff right there. Soulless exurbs? I'm diggin' the rhetoric big time. There's plenty more where this came from.

MIXING PLEASURE WITH BUSINESS

I don’t know how it happened but I became important somehow – and it’s really starting to have a negative impact on my ability to be a good time.

When I first got out of college, I scored a full time gig writing for a local ad agency in Champaign, Illinois. It didn’t pay a whole lot, but then I suppose I didn’t really work a whole lot, either. We didn’t have a lot of clients, so I had a LOT of down time. I later came to understand that too much down time = unemployment office. But I was young, naive, and carefree, so I played computer games, e-mailed friends, started a couple of screenplays I wouldn’t finish, and kicked off an internet e-letter called All You Need to Know.

Yes - the very same AYNtK. There was a lot going on inside that I felt I needed to get out. And, surprisingly, people were interested in what I had to say. So I kept writing. In many ways, it was more rewarding to me personally than anything I was doing professionally at the time. Truly a labor or love.

Back then I would spend much of my workweek, every week, researching information about news, events, and little known facts…and then sharing that information with people all over the world – most of whom were strangers I would never know. I made fun of a lot of things, too, most of all myself, because it’s important to have a sense of humor. I definitely had a lot of fun back then, which is more than I can say for my poor liver. But the liver is doing much better today…what’s left of it.

In many ways, those were the days. Rent was cheap. Beer was cheap. My taste in everything was cheap. But even then I knew I had way more potential…and eventually, I was going to have to explore the world outside of that small, Midwestern campustown. Not long after 9/11/01, I moved back to sweet home Chicago, where I was born and raised. I got a job at a suburban marketing firm, nearly doubled my salary, and almost immediately began flushing that extra cash away on expensive rent, expensive beer, and more expensive taste in everything. That’s what city living is all about.

That was also when I discovered that there is a different pace to life in the city. People drive you to work harder and longer hours. Traffic congestion, crime, pollution, and other ills of city living began to sink in and I started wondering what the hell I’d done. I was driving myself crazy at the office, assuming more responsibilities by the day and falling asleep at 8:30 every night. It was brutal. Between the long commute and the even longer work day, I found I little time or energy left for myself at the end of the day. But it was good experience to have, however short-lived, if for no other reason than it showed me what was important to me: living close to work, relatively normal work hours, and ambient, natural light.

A year and a half after signing on in that suburban nightmare, I bailed for a small creative shop in the west loop.

Being the only writer at an agency is a blessing and a curse. There’s some degree of job security in being the only guy in house who can turn a phrase, but there’s also a lot of pressure being the only guy in house who can turn a phrase. I learned that mt previous experience was serving me well, and I was a lot better at doing the things the clients pay money for.

And then I got promoted.

And then I got promoted again.

And then I got promoted again. All in just the last year. I’ve been handed more responsibility than I’ve ever had before…an almost frightening amount, to be honest. But I keep accepting it because I know I can handle it. And because it’s good to feel needed. And because I’m still saddled by a tremendous amount of student loan debt. Unfortunately, the promotions came without the pay increases that might typically be expected. But at least now I have more options than I did a year ago. If they can't line your pockets with gold, you need to find that silver lining.

So here I sit - busier than can be. These days I don’t really have a ton of time to research information about news, events, and little known facts. And I don’t really have time to make fun of a lot of stuff, not even myself. Which sucks because it’s important to have a sense of humor. But it’s also important to feel financially secure, and that’s why I’ve been so out of touch lately. I’ve become important somehow - and it's really having a negative impact on my ability to be a good time.

But I can still feel it inside. There’s a lot left to share. A lot left to talk about. And I WILL get it out eventually...

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

How often does reality meet your expectations? If you're like most people, the answer is not very often. For some reason, events seldom seem to play out as we imagine they might. The reason, of course, is that there are a lot of variables in this equation we call life. Too many, in fact, to account for them all. And yet, perhaps naively, we continue to try. Painting pictures in our minds of the way life's supposed to be...establishing expectations as a matter of routine. And for what?

Expectations are byproducts of self-awareness - the construction of future events for the purpose of creating order. It's as if we feel the more we can predict about the way things will be, the more control we will have over the course of our lives. It's always about control. And yet it can be argued that the true order of things cannot be perceived by the human mind – ergo, the order we impose upon things is a false order. Further, we presume everything about the future based on a very limited, very human sensory experience. How myopic!

Right now an infinite number of gears are turning, all of which have an impact on all of the other gears. It is a brilliant and beautiful act of divine synchronization...one we can't even begin to comprehend. Countless variables computing tirelessly and simultaneously - a giant engine of universal cognition. If one thing about the future is certain, it is that the future is uncertain.

I have concluded that expectations should be avoided. They are distractions - the children of insecurity, and the mother of disappointment. We commonly tell one another to move on from yesterday so that we can better experience today. Likewise, would we not benefit from withdrawing ourselves from tomorrow in favor of a more current consciousness? Or is the blessing of imagination also a curse that both enriches our lives with great promise and limits our growth? Expectations, like our wildest dreams, limit us. They create borders in our minds that prevent us from achieving our full potential. Worse, dreams and expectations can discourage us when we fail to realize them.

Dream when you sleep. When you're awake, live.

THE FANTASTIC FANATIC

Here's a sweet clip that's been floating around for a while. Someone recently did us the courtesy of "translating" the subject's German to English for us. While it's fun to watch (and listen to) on its own merit, the rather loose translation is a fucking riot.

Chicago Cubs fans ought to get a real kick out of it...just be sure to gut it out until the end. Sums up life as a Cubs fan nicely in about 4 minutes.

INSECURITY

Here's a link to a site where you can make your own motivational posters. I posted a couple of my own special designs last year (you may recall) but refused to share the link because I didn't want you to be as cool as me.

I think sufficient time has passed that I can now share this with you...

Enjoy!

SOLDIER MACHISMO

Soldiers are brave...but this guy takes the cake in my book. He's a Lieutenant who's refusing to go back to Iraq on the grounds the war is "illegal." And he may end up in a maximum security military prison for 6 years as a result.

Here’s an interview with the first commissioned U.S. officer to publicly refuse his deployment orders. This wasn't just a snap decision, either. You can tell this guy has thought a lot about it...and makes some pretty good arguments in his defense. Definitely worth a browse if you're looking to burn a few minutes while your afternoon crap percolates.

DEEP IN THE HEART

How was your New Years? Do anything fun? Me neither. Okay, that's a lie. G and I took a little trip and had a blast. If you think I'm going to waste my precious time telling you all about it, you know me pretty well...

I took a trip to Austin, Texas to visit some close friends and ring in 2007 with one of my favorite musical artists, and hometown favorite, Bob Schneider (whose link is in the sidebar). That dude jams, y'all. If you get a chance to catch him live, I highly recommend it. As for Austin, it's pretty damn hard to beat 72 degrees in late December...so I had a hot time on the merit of the weather alone.

This was my first visit to the Lone Star state capital, so we did all of the touristy things to do: took a tour of the Capitol building, snapped a bunch of pictures that didn't turn out, wandered the streets of Austin's historic downtown, stuffed our bellies with local cuisine (mostly barbecue and chipotle-infused you-name-it), investigated shopping boutiques in various districts, got lost, got drunk, and got arrested.

Arrested? No. Not really. We tried - but they don't arrest folks for just anything down there. Ask Dick Cheney. He shot a man in the face last year and the authorities responded like Texans shoot people in the face all the time. What they ARE serious about down there in Texas is drinking and driving. I got the impression it was a BIG problem from all of the signs and radio ads warning against it. It seemed every on-ramp to every major highway around Austin's city limits has a massive electronic light board threatening jail time for drinking and driving. We decided it would be in our best interest not to test them on this.

A couple things about Austin. Our trip was fantastic - but largely because we were visiting a number of good friends who helped make our stay a special one. Had we been on our own, I'm not certain Austin would have been as exciting a destination as we had anticipated. You've heard the expression, "Nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there." For me, Austin is probably the opposite: seemed to be GREAT place to live, but not exactly the best place to go on holiday. Unless you've got friends there, of course - which we did. And that made this New Years adventure a memorable one. At least the part of it I can actually remember. I'll know more about my New Years Eve once everyone uploads their digital pics and I can see what I was doing.

They like thinking of themselves as "weird" down there in Austin - but I didn't see a whole lot that was truly out of the ordinary. There were t-shirts, hats, stickers, and buttons everywhere we went that read: "Keep Austin Weird." I guess the locals don't like all the new blood spilling in and watering down their "cool" pool, so they promote "weirdness" almost as a branded heritage that's uniquely theirs. In truth, I see weirder every day right here in Chicago. I guess it all depends on what you're used to. Austin isn't "weird" so much as it is different from the rest of Texas. And that might be explained by its more liberal leanings. As a younger, hipper "college" town, it's ideologically out of synch with the rest of the state.

Here's something else you should know about Austin. Their baked beans are WAY different. I ordered them as a side several times and they're relatively dry and taste like chili seasoning. I was expecting sweet molasses gravy with sliced onions and thick bacon chunks...like I'm used to here in the midwest. I have to say, I didn't much care for the beans, which I'm sure my hosts were just fine with. Me and baked beans don't always agree with one another, and it's the folks nearby who always end up suffering. I actually unleashed a real doozy at the Whole Foods grocery store down there that had shoppers gsping and hacking in the aisles. It was brutal. A long, slow leaker that I had to work out of my jeans by taking long strides and patting out the trapped air between steps. When I sensed it was following me, we departed in a hurry. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, I'm pretty sure I saw a fleet of fire engines screaming their way down 5th toward ground zero. Nasty.

Speaking of the Whole Foods, I have to tell you, WOW. Austin's flagship store is simply amazing. I actually made the comment that it was almost worth moving down to Austin simply to be near it. It was THAT kick ass. Chicago has a couple of Whole Foods grocery stores. They're a little pricier than the other local chains because, in theory, a lot of the stuff there is better for you. Organic. All natural. Steroid and insecticide free. So it's earned a reputation as being the "health food" grocery store, which to me has always meant "flavor free food." But that is not the case with Whole Foods. In fact, a lot of their stuff actually tastes BETTER. And if you take the time to look at the labels, it's not all that healthy for you, either. At least not the stuff I'd actually pay money to eat.

Por ejemplo, our hosts insisted we purchase some of their "cowboy burger" patties. They were, simply put, the best burgers I'd ever tasted. Yes, even better than Fuddruckers. I know - hard to believe...but TRUE. I think the fact that they were pan-fried in a half stick of butter may have had something to do with that, but they were still damn tasty of their own accord. Loaded with jalapenos, bacon, garlic, onion, and cheese, every bite was a juicy taste explosion. Heavenly.

And that was just one food item. The entire store was magnificent. First off, it was ENORMOUS. They had winding aisles that weaved charmingly in and out of larger corridors. There were food stations and mountains of displays everywhere. Everything was cooked, packaged, stacked, and presented in excess. I saw a column of holiday pies so large they would never all be purchased - displayed entirely for effect. It was like visiting a museum celebrating America as the land of plenty. The produce section was so vibrant and colorful it looked like the Partridge Family bus had plowed into a farmer's market. There were manned stations everywhere offering more varieties of food than I knew existed. They had a sushi bar. A bakery. A butcher shop. It was almost too much for a food lover like me to handle. But that's when I felt a massive fart coming on and had to plan my impromtu exit strategy. I easily could have spent all day in there whipping my salivary glands into an anticipatory frenzy.

All in all, our trip to Austin was fabulous. Although if I go again it will be to see my friends, not the city. Oh yeah, and we saw a mullet. That, naturally, made the whole journey instantly worthwhile.

BAD CARMA

As you may have already read, my car was hit by an old man driving a van a few weeks ago. Sucked. The bastard then decided to park his van right across the street - still bearing my paint on its side. Police were of little assistance because no one had witnessed the impact. And the insurance company has been slow to pursue an investigation because my $1,000 deductible covered most of the damage. I left a letter on the widshield of the van in an effort to coax the driver into fessing up, but to date have enjoyed no such luck. I decided I was just going to have to chalk it up to bad "carma."

And then the improbable happened.

Geri and I walked down the steps of her apartment and out onto the front stoop Christmas Eve day. On the concrete there, next to a dirty door mat, was a tiny sliver of gray plastic. I noticed it, but thought little of it until I stepped down the second set of stairs and opened the front gate facing Damen Ave. On the sidewalk outside the gate were strewn more plastic bits and pieces, all shimmering gray and metallic in the mid-morning sunshine. What the fuck is all this crap, I thought.

My eyes lifted up and I noticed that the car in front of me was missing its driver side side-view mirror. Upon second look, that car was my car. I walked into the street and looked at the driver's side. I had been hit again - the victim of a second hit-and-run accident in 11 days! This time, the driver of the other vehicle had been silver, and by the look of the damage, had been traveling at a pretty high rate of speed as it caromed out of control and into my poor once-new Passat. Looking up and down the block, there were pieces of glass, metal, and plastic everywhere. The mirror had completely shattered upon impact, sending car parts tens of feet in every direction...a tiny plastic slivers had made it all the way up the steps of neighboring condos.

Talk about bad carma.

I called my insurance company to report my second hit-and-run claim in 11 days. They asked the usual battery of questions, surely suspicious of my routine and activities. How does something like this happen twice in so short a period of time? The bad news only got worse. My $1000 deductible for the first collision did not apply to the second one. They were separate claims, and I would have to pay $1000 out of pocket for each of them before the insurance company would cover anything.

Two grand. Gone in the blink of an eye. Merry fucking Christmas. But I decided I would not let it ruin my holiday. I continued to shop and spend as though I still had all that money in the bank, fully confident that the universe would compensate me for my trouble in 2007.

I've also been parallel parking my "loaner" with two tires up on the curb to be on the safe side.

HOLY CRAP!

Is it 2007 already? I feel like I went to sleep in 2000 and woke up 7 years later. How did we get here? Are we really this close to the year 2010? Am I really this old? Seems like just the other day we were celebrating the millenium. Suddenly we're looking at the second space odyssey. And I didn't fully comprehend the first one!

Anyhow, happy new year. Whatever happened last year, put it behind you. That was last year - and by almost all accounts, it was a pretty awful year. I've got a pretty good feeling about this year, though. I think you're going to like it. Most of it. Unless you believe Pat Robertson, who predicts a devastating terrorist attack here in the states with millions of casualties. There's lookin' on the bright side. Hey, Pat - how about having a little faith?

HAPPY HOLIDAYS? WHY NOT!

This holiday season I’d like to share with you a few of my not-so-closely-guarded secrets to happiness. They’re not all that earth-shattering, but they do make sense. At least to me they do.

1.) Stay regular – constipation is a sure way to have a bad day. Gotta keep the pipes clean. I recommend a weekly cup of senna tea to flush out the exhaust and keep the engine running smoothly.

2.) Make time for yourself EVERY DAY. Even if it’s just a half hour right before bed (wink), make sure you’ve got a little time every day to do the things you enjoy. Read, do a crossword puzzle, take a bath, watch your favorite television program, go for a jog. Whatever it is you enjoy, set aside time for it and stick to the plan. Tell people “no” if you have to. You can’t very well be expected to please everyone else in your life if you can’t make yourself happy first. That's why clowns are so miserable. Didn't you know?

3.) Hang out with people you like. There are a lot of people in this world. Find the ones you get along with…the ones whose company you enjoy. The ones who make you laugh. The ones you feel comfortable with. These are your friends. Friends are like medicine when you’re sick, and multi-vitamins when you’re not.

4.) Love the people you don’t like. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m serious. Life’s too short to spend any time at all pissed off at people – especially people you know aren’t going to change. We all know people who spend their lives questioning the intentions and cursing the actions of others. What a miserably unconstructive way to spend the day! We’ve all got our faults, so accepting one another for the horrible creatures we are makes all the petty bullshit that much more bearable. Trust me. If something or someone rubs you the wrong way, the healthiest thing you can do is shrug it off. As a beloved, pot-smoking college roommate of mine used to say, “Acknowledge…and move on.” It’s a philosophy on life that’s as simple to remember as it is hard to live by.

5.) Accomplish something. Few things give us that sense of self-worth as when we actually FINISH something we started. It doesn’t have to be your life’s masterpiece. It just has to be something you started. Read a book someone recommends, even if it’s not something you’d normally read. Make that trip you’ve been promising someone you’d make (that’s what I’m doing next week!). Make a doctor’s appointment. Shave your head once and for all. Try sushi. Make up your mind to do something and do it. You'll feel sweet.

Enjoy your holidays - we'll be in touch soon...

AYNtK

HOLIDAY FEAST

Just a friendly reminder that it's okay to pass on second helpings.






Eat well this holiday season...just not too well.

A HIT-AND-RUN CHRISTMAS

I got back from my trip to San Francisco last week in one piece to find that I could not say the same for my car.

I’d parked it on a side street outside of Geri’s place prior to leaving town on business, and while I was gone, some assclown clipped the rear driver-side quarter panel pretty good and drove off.

Was there a note? Please. Is there ever a note? Of course not. Who would leave a note unless they’d been caught red-handed?

Official estimates place the damage somewhere in the neighborhood of $1700. The good news is that I pay insurance for these types of things. The bad news is that I like to keep my insurance premiums low each month, which means a higher deductible – in this case $1,000. That’s out-of-pocket cost to me before the insurance company will even think about getting their checkbook out.

There’s never a good time for something like this to happen, but the holidays have got to be the worst time. In addition to the normal hustle and bustle of the season, the gift buying and wrapping, shopping, unbearably cold weather and unbearably slow traffic, now I have to deal with a fucking hole in the rear end of my car. A hole that, I discovered almost immediately, had been left by one of the neighbors – a maroon van always parks on the same street.

Needless to say, I marched right down to the police station to let them know I’d been the victim of a hit-and-run accident. I filled out a police report and asked them what I needed to do. I did not like what I heard next.

The way I understand it, as explained by the friendly folks at Belmont and Western (Precinct 19), is that anybody can drive around the city hitting anybody they want to and unless someone actually SEES it happen, it didn't really happen. Never mind all of the circumstantial evidence, physical evidence, and common sense evidence. Such as? Let’s see here. The van was witnessed as parked right behind my car on the morning the accident happened. That same afternoon it was parked on the other side of the street, and a huge gash bearing the van's paint color suddenly appeared on my car, which had not moved one inch. Further, the gash was the exact same size and shape as a hinge on the side of the van, which now appears to bear the same silver paint color that is missing from MY car! I didn’t have to call Matlock for help on this one.

But because no one actually SAW it happen, the police said they couldn’t do anything about it – a policy perhaps best summed up as “complete and utter bullshit.” They could do something about it if they wanted to. They could come inspect the damage and confront the driver of the maroon van. If they put just 15 minutes into investigating it, they’d be able to help “serve and protect” the interests of the people they say they serve and protect.

The fact is, they don’t WANT to help me, because they have more important things to be taking care of, like securing the perimeter of the Dunkin Donuts on Ashland and Wellington, and handing out parking citations to the absent-minded, but otherwise law-abiding, folks who don’t put enough change in the meters on Southport.

But I’m not that easily put off. We’re talking about $1000 here. That’s a lot of kick ass Christmas gifts for the people I love.

So I sat down and wrote a letter to the owner of the van – a letter I plan to leave on the windshield of his broken down piece of crap vehicle the next time I spy it riding curbside on west Oakdale. The letter even includes photographs of the damage, as well as the number of the police report I filed implicating his van in a hit-and-run accident.

I close the letter with my phone number and an appeal for him to call me with his insurance information so I don't have to pursue criminal charges. The idea is to let him know that *I* know he hit me…and hope better sense prevails (if not the fear of prosecution).

So we'll see what happens. He could just ignore it or call me up and tell me to fuck off, in which case I'm no worse off than I am now. Or he might just play ball and I'll have saved myself a grand.

Here’s the letter and some photos for your files. I’ll keep you posted on this friendly neighborhood quarrel as it unfolds.

**********************

December 20, 2006


Re: Illinois license plate #1122136


Dear Neighbor,

This vehicle was recently identified as having been involved in a hit-and-run accident at the west end of the 1900 block of west Oakdale.

On Wednesday, December 13th, 2006, the vehicle was parked on the north side of the west-bound, one-way street behind a silver sedan. Preliminary forensic evidence, including photographs, paint samples, and other metrics have revealed that the silver vehicle incurred damage between the daylight hours of 9:30 am and 3pm, and that the damage was sustained by this vehicle as it was moved into or out of a parallel parked space.

This letter has been drafted as a courtesy to let the owner of this vehicle know that a police report has been filed with the Chicago Police Department (RD# HM-774156) and an investigation into this incident will be forthcoming.

As you may be aware, hit-and-run offenses are felonies that can carry substantial penalties. Since a note was not recovered from the crime scene, you are encouraged to call me at [312.NUMBER] regarding this accident to prevent criminal charges from being filed.

We believe this is a matter best settled by insurance companies, and your cooperation will be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

AYNtK
Neighborhood Watch

TURBULENCE

Today I write you from not-so-sunny California. Traveling on business, I had about an hour to relax in my hotel room before heading out for another meeting. After treating myself to myself, I now find I have 54 minutes left to play with.

So yeah - traveling on biz. Not my bag, really. Being successful in business, no matter what you do, is all about relationships. Unfortunately, I tend to be more on cthe introverted side until I've got about three martinis in me. In other words, not very good at small talk. I'm more of a typer than a talker. If business meetings involved people sitting around texting clever comments back and forth, I'd probably have a shot at the cover of Forbes. But sit me down with clients over a relaxing dim sum lunch and I've got about as much to say as Paris Hilton. But my boss says I sell myself short - that I'm actually quite good with people, who tend to like me because I come off as genuine. And so many people in business are anything but.

I suppose that's why I'm here today. Meeting clients. Shaking hands. Smiling. Nodding. Laughing. Providing punchlines where awkward pauses paralyze uneasy conversation. I'm a social favor. A reliable sidekick. An able crutch.

Before we departed from O'Hare yesterday, I must admit I had my reservations about this journey. First off, it involved getting on a plane - which, as you know, I don't do very often. Second, there were some very clear signs from the heavens that this mission might not be in my best interest. Like when my boss's boyfriend picked us up to take us to the airport. We walked up to the car to get in and the back passenger side door was locked. So I tapped on the window to get their attention. The car slowly pulled away from me and rolled down the street. I stood there in the middle of the street with my bags wondering how far they would get before realizing they had just left without me. The answer, in case you are curious, is two blocks. I actually got a big kick out of that.

Then as we were preparing to board the airplane, the PA announcer at O'Hare International informs us that the Department of Homeland Security had just raised its threat level to orange. That has to be one of the top 5 things you don't want to hear as you are stepping onto an airplane. Right up there with: "Free samples of baked beans for all passengers."

Speaking of beans, about half way to San Francisco my entire mid section was swollen with gas. For some reason, sitting in that cramped position with a seat belt fastened for hours on end makes my entire gastrointestinal system cramp up. I tried to hold it as long as I could, but eventually couldn't any longer. I let out a "tester" to see how absorbant the cushions were. They tell you in the safety literature to use them as flotation devices should the plane land on water. I figured they must be able to contain a couple of long-winded farts for a couple of hours.

I was wrong, of course, and the plane began to fill with a rapidly spreading, putrid stench. A malodorous wind I actually came to enjoy, to be honest. There's just something about the smell of my own gas that I don't mind so much. You know how it is. Anyhow, the guy next to me leans over and says: "People who pass gas on planes ought to be hung."

Staring directly at the Time magazine in my hands I calmly replied, "Actually...I am."

I don't fly airplanes to make friends - another reason I'd never cut it in sales. Networking is for IT specialists.

But the trip is winding down and I do feel it has been a successful one. I've been in front of a lot of people who can now put my adorable face with my name when we converse via conference call. I'm told it makes a lot of difference in developing strong client-agency relationships. And I believe it. But I'm still not looking forward to the 5 hour flight back.

In fact, I'm getting stomach cramps just thinking about it. You smell me?

PHOTOSHOPPING SPREE

Here's a video that may help explain why so many people have a poor self-image. It's called Evolution and you gotta know it goes on all the time.

FUMBLING THE BALL

I've been offline a lot lately.

Working hard. You know how it is.

Taking charge. Running the show. Being all I can be.

Taking it to the streets. Being the ball. Rocking the Casbah.

Breaking Benjamins. Counting Crows. Whistling Dixie. Sitting on the dock of the bay. Kissing the ring. Making the donuts. Burning the midnight oil. Bringing home Kevin's bacon. Jumping the shark. Holding the line. Burying the hatchet. Raising the roof. Lowering the floor. Widening the walls. Expanding the corners. Singing the blues. Running the table. Spilling the beans. Pleading the fifth. Playing the fool. Joining the club. Honing in. Maxing out. Cornering the market. Collecting the rent. Searching for Bobby Fischer. Flying the coop. Paying the piper. Making the grade. Cutting the cheese. Folding the laundry.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been busy doing other shit. And that means I have a lot to tell you...in due time, of course. Stick with me.

More to come.

HAVE YOU EVER REALLY TAKEN A DUMP?

The phrase confuses me. I've left more than my share of dumps over the years, but I've never once so much as contemplated, for even a second, taking one. Where would I take it? And what would I do with it when I get it there? Sorry. I'm perfectly content leaving my dumps...wherever they may fall.

Good day!

HOLIDAY TRADITIONS VIA SPAM

Here's a little humor that was sent to me this week from Hawaii Steve-O. In addition to a prosaic stream of porno bloopers and pin-up powerpoint presentations (most of which I know to delete without opening by scanning their filename), he's also good for something fun every once in a while - like this dandy tale.

It's a story explaining why we place an angel atop the Christmas tree every year. If you've ever wondered about that tradition, here's a little history by way of viral online storytelling.

************

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth (Dasher, no doubt) and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and a very irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it and there was a little angel standing there holding a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"

*****************

A FUR COAT FOR DOGS

That's it. I'm done. I can now say that I've seen it all.

SNOW DAZE

Amazing how a little snow brings out the best in people. In case you couldn't pick up on the tone there, that was sacrasm. As you probably know, the midwest is getting hammered by its first big snowstorm of the season and, predictably, people are losing their minds. Most of it has to do with getting around...and the fact that you can't really get around. At least not with the ease you normally would - which is a joke in itself considering congestion on the roads these days.

This morning I woke up and looked out my 20th floor window at the Chicago skyline. It was shrouded in a white haze, like someone had just shook up our snowglobe and set it back down on the table. As I type this from the comfort of my desk, I watch the flurries turn to flakes, crisscrossing in mid air in their relentless assault on everything glass, concrete, and steel. Surprisingly, my drive in to the office was uneventful. Took me a few extra minutes to make the drive - so around 20 minutes instead of the typical 15...and only because I was driving slower than I normally drive (which many would consider slow to begin with). Even though the roads were relatively clear, I couldn't help but detect drivers were on edge. I heard a lot more car horns. I saw people making ill-advised decisions. A guy turning from the 90/94 off-ramp onto Lake Street nudged a pedestrian, who slammed his fist on the hood as he walked by. The window of the vehicle rolled down and some words were exchanged. It was not a pleasant morning commute.

And then what happens is that everyone shows up to work grumpy. Instead of everyone being thrilled that it's Friday, people are frustrated and anxious and tense. The snow is calming to watch - but if you have to deal with it in any fashion, it can be quite stressful. I parked in the garage across the street from my office this morning - which I never do. I figured it was worth the $9 to keep the car dry and off the street...and to guarantee A.) it wouldn't get snowed in, and B.) it would start at 5pm when I leave.

And so here I sit. Watching the snow fall. Barely able to see the buildings across the street for this veil of streaming cotton. Wondering how long it will take me to get home tonight. But I accept it as something I can't change - and why would I want to? Snow is part of the beauty of life. Weather is a big part of the human experience. We give it a huge chunk of time on the nightly news. We allocate space on the back pages of newspapers. We discuss it with strangers when nothing else comes to mind. Climate is something people of a region have in common - it should bring us closer together, not whip us into a blustery frenzy. Snow is our common enemy today. a beautiful, majestic foe with billions of tentacles. But she can be defeated - if we arm ourselves with peace, love, and Gap.

Damn, that commercial is stuck in my head.

Shit break.

GET IN LINE

Torn up over which game console to buy for your kids this holiday season? Check out this handy guide provided by the folks at the Onion.

A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR

Everyone's entitled to a cranky day. I know I have my share of them. Even the 6-year-old H-Man will wake up in a funk from time to time, as he did this morning. I remember flopping about in my sheets on school mornings, dreading the thought of a long day in class. The shortened days of November have a way of depressing even the most cheerful of children. It's hard to get excited when it's cold, dark, and gray outside. Getting the H-man motivated was going to require a heavy dose of good cheer.

"I think you're going to want to get up soon, do you know why?" I asked him.

"Why?" he asked from beneath the comfort of a heavy pillow.

"Because today is going to be the best day ever."

"No it's not," he rebutted, as though the suggestion were another one of my ludicrous overstatements. Anyone who's read AYNtK for any length of time is familiar.

"Yes, it is. I just know it is."

"Today is going to be the worstest day," he shot back.

"That's not even a word!" Geri shouted out from the closet.

"Actually, H. Today is supposed to be the bestest day," I said in his native firstgradese.

He rolled over, getting the sense that I just might be serious.

"It's true," I continued. "And the reason is because of all the great things that could happen today. I have no idea what they are, but there are tons and tons of great things just waiting to happen. Stuff I can't even imagine, they're so good. And I need to be out there to enjoy them all. I'll tell you what. I'M excited about today because something very fun is going to happen. I can feel it. Yep. Today could be the best day ever - and I am not going to miss it." I slapped the edge of the mattress a couple of times and walked off confidently.

Three minutes later the H-Man was in the shower.

And now, as I sit here at work, I find myself hoping nothing bad happens to the little guy today or he'll never believe another word I say for as long has he lives.

KRAMER JUMPS THE SHARK

Wow. This is really bad. Michael Richards, the frizzy-haired comic actor who played Kramer on Seinfeld, was caught on tape making a complete ass out of himself.

On stage.

Apparently, he was getting heckled by a couple guys at a recent stand-up comedy show at the Laugh Factory when he completely lost all control and made a number of incredibly insensitive racial comments about the hecklers.

I personally think heckling sucks, but it doesn't sink to this level.

Be warned, the link is vulgar in its depiction of Michael Richards ceremoniously ending his own career. Click on the movie link to view the whole thing yourself. I hope he made a call to Mel Gibson's publicist after this shocking performance, because he's going to need a PR miracle to survive this Apocalytpo stumble.

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE LIVING AS FOES

Here's something that breaks my heart.

We were at Barnes & Noble Bookseller yesterday afternoon, browsing for Christmas gift inspiration, when we decided to stop in their second floor cafe for a gingerbread latte. As we waited for the barista to whip up our seasonal specialty beverages, we pulled up chairs at a nearby table. At the table behind us, three young boys were talking to each other while one of their mothers read quietly beside them.

"Yeah, I know. We're ALL going to go to war."

"Yeah, like, in 10 years it's going to be World War 3."

"I know. I'm going to be 19. We're going to have to go to war."

"I heard World War 3 is already started, but we won't have to go for 10 years."

"Yeah. It's started already. But the real world war won't be for 10 years."

As we got up to get our warm spiced coffee drinks, I suddenly felt terribly depressed. "Did you hear that?" I asked. "Those kids were talking about going to war. They were NINE years old and talking about World War 3."

It was startling, and made me wonder what kind of world we had created - that war was the expectation of our nation's youth. And not just any old war, but the mother of all wars...global smackdown numero tres.

I wasn't worried about going to war when I was a kid. We had the evil Russians to fear, not war. War back then was a handful of mysterious men in smoke-filled rooms without windows, pushing big red buttons and bringing armageddon to places thousands of miles away. It was a fear we couldn't imagine, so we didn't imagine it. We played Frogger and Pitfall and spun around on broken down cardboard boxes to people rhymically making fart sounds with their mouths. The human beatbox age was a simpler time.

But today's kids see news reports every day of American soldiers dying in a faraway place. They have family members, or friends with family members, serving extended tours of duty in the Middle East. And what are we telling our kids when they ask why we're at war? Do we tell them the truth? Or do we tell them what George Bush tells us because the Administration's soundbytes are hardwired into our polluted stream of consciousness? Do we reflexively demonize the nation of Islam? Do we define them all as "terrorists"? Do we say, "Because they hate us"? Or do we take the time to explain to our kids the way of the world - detailing our complex cultural differences, outlining our very different histories, and making an attempt to tell both sides of the story. They don't hate our people, kids. They hate our policies. There's a difference. They don't hate our way of life. They hate that our way of life is sustained at the expense of theirs. The responsibility for our current conflict is shared, depsite what you may hear from the righteous brothers at arms.

How do we raise our children so they don't make the same mistakes we've made? I don't quote Ozzy Osbourne very often - not because he isn't quoteworthy, but because his exact words are usually subject to great debate - but "maybe it's not too late...to learn how to love and forget how to hate."

The alternative may be exactly as those precocious 9-year-olds put it.

We'll be going off the rails on a crazy train.

THE WONDER YEARS

FYI - the world is in the process of selecting a new list of 7 World Wonders, and you can vote for your favorites here.

Some of the structures that made the list baffle me. The Eiffel Tower? One of the 7 Wonders of the World? I don't think so. Even the Parisians thought it hideous when it was first constructed. Others on the list make complete sense. Stonehenge. Easter Island. Truly magnificent "wonders" that defy explanation and instill us with a sense of awe.

A large number of contenders are up for consideration, and the world wants your opinion. Which was a greater world wonder - the Great Wall of China or the Eiffel Tower? No question in my mind that the largest man-made monument on the planet nabs that honor...but you may not see it that way. Read the short blurbs on all of the nominees (there are a bunch I personally wasn't even aware of) and then cast your vote today!

ESPN Motion Sickness

I need to vent.

Is there anyway to disable that stupid-ass ESPN Motion player on the espn.com homepage?

You know what I'm talking about - that little video screen in the upper right hand corner of the page they use to replay sports clips and commercials they presume I am interested in watching. I'm not.

I don't want it. I don't use it. I don't like it. Every time I visit that site, I get down to the third or fourth headline and the stupid player kicks in. It's distracting. It's annoying. Sometimes it's very loud. I hate it. And I immediately have to go up and click on the stop button to make the madness end.

I like to be in control my browsing expoerience, and ESPN won't let me. They keep forcing that audio/vidio shit down my throat. I'd boycott the site if it weren't the gold standard in sports news. Looks like I'm stuck with it. Just wish they'd let me OPT IN to the movie player instead of forcing me to opt out every single time.

Give me a dramamine - I've got ESPNMotion Sickness.

AM RADIOACTIVE

I was headed to the Bears game with my dad last month and, stuck in traffic en route to Soldier Field, we tuned in to some pre-game AM talk radio to get us fired up in advance of kick-off. The analysts and broadcasters were mercilessly criticizing someone's performance from the week prior, drilling down to the minutest details in offering explanations for why that player was under-delivering on the field. As the headless talking heads went back and forth, my dad offered up some food for thought.

"Imagine," he said, "if there were people in this world whose jobs were to analyze and criticize your work performance every day."

"Right," I said, catching his drift immediately. "And they'd question your salary, and your work ethic, and your desire. Every single day."

"Exactly. And then they'd do it over the radio so that millions of people could hear about how you messed up. And how you should have done something differently. And how you're not trying hard enough. Imagine being under the microscope like that."

It all seemed kind of absurd when we thought about it. These sports radio guys get paid to pick apart player performances day in and day out. They question absolutely everything. They orchestrate call-in programs where fans can get in on the bashing. They openly discuss details considered private in most employment agreements, like medical information and salaries. And they're constantly stirring up controversy by questioning commitment, dedication, intentions, and motivation. And, in many ways, high-profile sports figures are demonized by members of the media who don't know them personally - but who presume to for the sake of making a point.

Many of these folks say it comes with the territory - that professional sports figures are fair game because they're in the public eye. And because they make a LOT of money.

Then I imagined how I would feel if I turned on the radio this evening on my way home from work and heard people talking about ME.

"...that's exactly what I'm talking about, Mike. He clearly lacks focus. Let's go back to the conference call he had this morning. Completely unprepared. Hardly said a word. Mentally absent."

"No, you're right. But maybe that's because he's just not ready yet. He's too young."

"Too young? He's not a rookie anymore. By now, this kid needs to know how to handle a simple client call."

"But even the best have bad days. He's still learning the ropes. And let's give that conference call some props - those clients threw some real zingers at him today. Estimates? Schedules? I can guarantee you he wasn't prepared to handle those. Whose fault is that? The director."

"I agree. But he's got to have better instincts when he's under the gun. Period. But aside from the conference call. That's just one example. I'm talking about a pattern of behavior here that forces us to have to ask the question - maybe there's someone better out there. Maybe the agency should consider waiving him and re-staffing that position with some more proven talent."

"It always comes back to this. Keep him. Get rid of him. I still think he's going to be spectacular one day."

"One day, yes. But when? And how long is this agency willing to sit on his potential. He spends half his morning checking fantasy sports online. He spends another hour every day checking personal e-mail. And then there are the long coffee breaks. This is a guy who doesn't have the passion that is required to become great. Tons of natural talent - but no motivation."

"Well, we disagree again. Although I think he's overpaid, too. I'll agree with you there. They spent a ton of green when they went out and nabbed this guy. Signed him to a lucrative deal and have yet to see the investment pay off."

"Unless they figure out a way to bill clients for trips to the coffee machine."

"Right. That's right. Although he'll tell you he needs it to take his morning dump. Okay. Let's take a break. But when we come back we want to know what YOU think about AYNtK. Revenue-raising star or water cooler bust? We'll talk about the day he came in late because he couldn't find parking, the long lunch he had last Friday, his bad breath, and more. Stay tuned!"

"Oh man, the breath. That alone is grounds for dismissal. We'll be right back."

And then I'd flip the station and there'd be two more jackasses talking about me.

"What was with that sweater he wore to work yesterday? Did you see that?"

"It wasn't the sweater so much as it was the pants. I've never seen such a random dresser in my life. Different colors, styles, patterns. It's like he's dressing out of one of those Salvation Army bins behind the grocery store."

"Did you hear what his co-worker said about his breath the other day?"

OFF.

Most of these sports dudes are pretty tough to begin with, but they must have skin of steel to deal with some of the crap these motormouths are belching out during the morning drive. I don't know how they do it - but I'm glad I don't have to deal with that kind of public criticism.

Anyone have a breath mint?

HO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF CISCO

Pirate Brad sent me this link as explanation for his walking the porcelain plank at our Halloween Party a couple weeks ago. It does seem to explain a lot. Not the site itself, but the fact that Pirate Brad says it's one of his favorites.

The Night Train is leaving the station...all aboard! This link is actually a pretty good resource for college kids looking to drink on a dime. And busy professionals. The only "bumwine" I've ever had, that I know of, is Mad Dog 20/20. The name sends a mixed message of sorts. While I was foaming at the mouth by evening's end, my eyesight was no where near 20/20. I'm thinking it ought to be Mad Dog 20/400 or something like that.

CHOPPER STOPPER

Screw the Playstation 3.

Here's a fun helicopter game that will keep you occupied for hours.

Or at least several minutes.

INSERT TWO MORE TOKENS TO CONTINUE

I am old. Old and out of touch. I keep seeing these news stories all over the internet about the debut of a new gaming console called the Playstation 3. Apparently there have been long lines across the country, and a number of heated altercations, as people fight to be the first to own one. And here I am, oblivious to this nation's insatiable hunger for cutting-edge electronic entertainment. I just don't understand the hype at all. It's a GAME box - I'm pretty sure Sony is going to be making more of them. Are these collectors editions? What does this demand for hand-eye stimulation come from?

When I was a kid, we had Atari. 2600, baby. And that was a pretty big deal when it first came out. But it was revolutionary because you no longer had to trek out to the J.J. Peppers convenience mart around the corner from the park to play Space Invaders. For the first time you could play arcade games on your television in your home. It was breakthrough technology that shaped the way we live and interact. The medium, as you know, is the message. Instead of gathering in public places every once in a while to share in the gaming experience, people could now enjoy the same games at home on their own. And these machines soon became an appliance staple, like a toaster or a can opener. Every home had one.

Today, a lot of homes have multiple gaming machines, from multiple makers - in addition to personal computers, which are also chipped and equipped to accommodate a massive PC gaming industry. Where personal gaming had once been an entertainment novelty, it is now deeply woven into our nation's social fabric. Children are often born with them already in the house, and grow up devoting countless hours developing post-modern maladies like "Nintendo Thumb" and "Playstation Posture." And a lot of parents don't mind because, as every parent knows, Nintendo is a relatively cheap babysitter.

I understand the dazzling allure of modern gaming consoles - the graphics are so real they stop me sometimes when I'm doing laps at Best Buy. But when I see people lined up outside of buildings in the cold, willing to fight over an appliance that will still be available tomorrow and next week, I have to wonder what's happening to us as a people.

But then, our parents used to fight over Cabbage Patch Dolls in the aisles of Toys 'R' Us. So maybe it's less about an addiction to new technology and more about a competitive sense of entitlement that comes with life in culture of mass consumption.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a high score of Tetris to beat.

AMERICA'S TOP POLITICIAN

There’s been a lot of talk for years now (not just by me!) about getting a third major party established in this country – someone to give those Republicans and Democrats a run for their money. The Libertarians and Green and Reform Parties have all fielded candidates in past elections, but they just don’t get the media attention or the widespread public support they need to prove viable come Election Day.

So here’s my idea: a television show on FOX called America’s Top Politician. Why FOX? Because they're crazy enough to do something sensational like that.

Simon Cowell and Mark Burnett will team up to produce it…a weekly show on which ordinary people like you and me (who also meet the Constitutional requirements for becoming President) line up outside of auditoriums nationwide to audition in front of a panel of judges for a shot at becoming El Presidente. I know it sounds ludicrous – but I bet it would result in one hell of a candidate…and the press coverage he/she would get from week to week would make him/her a formidable opponent in the General Election!

This is how I imagine it would be done.

The show would last a full year and start with several months of broad auditioning to weed out the religious zealots, criminally stupid, car salesmen, and facially uninteresting. Can you imagine how hilarious the auditions would be? Our panel of judges would ask average people to provide practical solutions to real problems and then vote based on the quality of the responses. Who would judge? Could be anybody! I'm thinking my mom, Gary Coleman, and Bruce Willis for starters. People would learn pretty quick how difficult it is being a politician as they struggle to offer viable solutions that won’t offend SOME group of people. I'm guessing most folks would sound like complete idiots. I know I would!

“Mr. AYNtK – okay. Welcome.”

“Thanks for having me.”

“So you’d like to be President?”

“Sure.”

“Sure? That doesn’t sounds very convincing. Why are you here?”

“I heard the job pays more than the one I have, and I could use the extra coin.”

“So you’re here for the money?”

“It’s all about the Benjamins. And having access to that private jet would be pretty sweet, too. Par-tay!”

“Fantastic. So let’s see. How would you propose the U.S. government address the troublesome flow of illegal immigrants from south of the border?”

“That’s a great question. And I have a great answer. First, I would offer them all jobs.”

“Did you say jobs? How would that help solve the problem?”

“I’m not finished. The jobs would be digging trenches. I propose we pay the largest workforce in American history minimum wage to dig a 20-foot deep, half-mile wide trench from California to the Gulf Coast. Then I’d have them it with oil and light it on fire like that kick ass scene at the end of the Beastmaster. Did you see that scene? You know which one I’m talking about? Maybe it was Beastmaster 2.”

“Let me get this straight. You’d pay a massive foreign labor team to dig a gargantuan petroleum moat and ignite a permanent barrier of flames between Mexico and the U.S.?”

“Yes, sir, I would. It’d be a real life firewall...like the ones that protect computers from viruses and stuff. Except it would be a REAL firewall protecting our lower-class jobs from foreigners, thereby preserving the rich, cultural traditions of our nation’s NASCAR class.”

“That is a completely asinine suggestion…and yet also very brilliant in a way. I like how you think and I’m going to vote you through to the next round!”

This kind of Q&A would go on all over the nation until our list of viable candidates is narrowed down to 16 finalists. These 16 presidential hopefuls would then compete in a series of mock challenges in a format more like the Apprentice. Donald Trump would preside over phase 2 ensuring that the candidates not only have good ideas, but possess strong leadership skills as well. They’d be split up into teams and given a number of tasks to muddle through. Then the losing team would be sent to the board room where Trump would send one of them home: “You’re impeached!”

Phase 2 would last several more months until the list of candidates is narrowed down to 8. The remaining 8 would have to learn how to dance with the help of a professional partner and America would vote on their dance routines every week until the field is narrowed to 4.

The final 4 would then participate in a series of debates, after which America would vote, eliminating two of the candidates. The final two would then have a foot race, arm wrestling match, and ro-sham-bo for the right to run for president. The runner-up would become the VP candidate on the same ticket. It's brilliant!

I think America’s Top Politician would give the major party candidates a real scare, too. He/She would be a strong, sensitive, smart leader with a textbook tango. I know – this is all beyond genius. And here’s the best part. All those .99 cent calls to vote for your favorite politician add up in the winning candidate’s advertising fund so they are able mount a serious media challenge in the weeks leading up to the election. Gotta hit those airwaves!

So what do you think, Simon? Are you game? Let's do this!!!

THE JOLLY LLAMA SAYS

If you're looking for Enlightenment, start with a matchbook.

TO MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS COMEDY MAN FROM BRITISH

As you must be aware by now, Borat is a not really an Eastern European bigot with a knack for making people uncomfortable. He's a British comedian who's made a killing at the box office by pulling off one of the grandest candid camera pranks of all time. Sacha Baron Cohen's character Borat has been the top draw for two weeks in a row now - and the appeal of his cinematic charade is simple: the film is one long practical joke on America and, we the people are in on it.

Have you seen it yet? Lucky you. And have you heard how all of the "real" characters from Borat's motion picture are coming out of the woodwork to say they had no idea the entire thing was a ruse? There were definitely some moments where I was thinking: "This HAS to be staged." But as it turns out, the scenes were actually more real than anyone thought - including the people appearing in them, many of whom are now seeking legal recourse for the way they were portrayed.

Producers allegedly told participants they would be appearing in a foreign-made documentary on American life. Some were even liquored up before their appearance. All of them signed documents agreeing to the use of their likenesses. What these people didn't know was that the ignorant, backward filmmaker from Khazakhstan wasn't really an ignorant, backward filmmaker from Khazakhstan. He was a British comedian filming what would amount to a feature length episode of Punk'd. They just didn't realize they'd been Punk'd until the movie was playing in theaters nationwide.

My review? It's everything you may have heard it was: irreverent, crass, outrageous, juvenile, and loaded with toilet humor - literally at times. But it wasn't offensive in a gratutious way - like, say, Porky's or American Pie. It was genuinely offensive, which, strangely, was probably what made it so entertaining. The film shows real people interacting with Borat, reacting to his disgusting, obnoxious comments and behavior, clearly uncomfortable, and completely unscripted. You actually feel a little bad for them at times - but worse for the conscience of America. And that was the depressing genius of the film, in my opinion.

In exaggerating the fictional prejudices of an unrefined, underdeveloped culture, Borat actually exposes the real prejudices of a culturally advanced and presumably more "enlightened" people. Some of the things uttered by the real particpants in this film will make you sicker than the twisted crap that comes out of Borat's mustached mouth. Sad, really, that in 2006 there were people willing to make such hateful, appalling remarks about minorities, homosexuals, and women - entirely aware that the camera is rolling. It's hilarious to watch the reactions of other people when Borat makes such remarks. It hurts when real people make similarly offensive remarks right back at him.

Still, despite these depressing cultural revelations, I enjoyed the film immensely. Laughed myself to tears in a couple of spots, I am almost embarrassed to admit. I do feel obliged to caution that the movie is not for everyone. Some of the scenes may be a little over the top in relentless pursuit of indecency. If you're looking for wholesome family entertainment, this is definitely not it. But if you're looking for something wildly outrageous, Borat says it best:

You like!

CHAKRA KHAN, LET ME ROCK YA

I had my aura read this afternoon and learned that my chakras are all out of whack. The reader first told me that my aura was healthy and that I was projecting myself well. She also said my color, yellow, denoted wisdom and creativity. Then I asked her what the giant yellow orb on the diagram meant - and she informed me that my navel chakra, or solar-plexus, was extremely active. I told her I had not eaten lunch yet and wondered why there was so much activity in that area. She explained that chakras are channels for energy - and that this was where the sense of self, or ego, manifests. She called it the power center for the self. So I asked her what the little dots meant "here" and "over here." I pointed to the purple dot on the top of the diagram's head and the blue one in the neck. She told me those were my crown and throat chakras, and there wasn't a whole lot of energy flowing through those. I didn't like the sound of that at all. So I got online and looked up some ways to balance my chakras. Three cups of herbal tea later and I've got to say I am feeling fantastic. I can't say my chakras are in balance - but I definitely feel a shit coming on. And that's almost always a good thing.

YEAR OF THE ASS

Did you vote this week?

I did. Used one of those unwieldly optical scan ballots that are the size of cafeteria trays. The whole experience was very Alice-in-Wonderland for me. After connecting all of the arrows to my choices for public servant, I took the over-sized sheet to the tabulator, which operates much like a paper shredder. It sucked my ballot in and that was that. A lady with her name stickered to her blouse handed me a generic “receipt” that I suppose was to make me feel better about the process because now I had PROOF that I had voted. But all it really did was give me a meaningless piece of paper that I promptly discarded on the way out the door. More meaningful would have been an itemized receipt - like the bill they give you at a restaurant, with all my choices clearly listed so I could verify that I had voted correctly. Imagine playing Super Lotto and having them hand you a generic, "Thanks for playing!" ticket. What good is that? I want to see the numbers I picked so I know who I'm rooting for.

As I walked away from the scanner machine I pointed back at it and announced, "There's the winning ballot, right there!" Everyone looked at me like I was insane. "That's the winner, right there. I just picked all the winners. Trust me - I have a knack for these things." The registrar at the entry table wiped horseradish off her mouth with a napkin and said, "That's not how it works, sir."

"Watch the news, tonight. I bet you I win." And I walked out.

It turns out I missed two. But that's not a bad percentage. I believe this may be the first time in my life that I have ever voted and came out on the majority side of things. I voted for Dole in '96 and he was trounced by Slick Willie. I voted for Bush in 2000 and he was beat by Al Gore (although the powers that be made sure he ascended to the throne) – so I suppose that qualifies as a win. Although, considering where he’s taken our country over the last 6 years, it's hard to call that a win. Then voted for Kerry in ’04 and he was mauled by the Republican rhetoric and marketing machine. Every successful politician in this country since 1776 has been a "flip-flopper," but Kerry was officially branded one...and that made all the difference.

But this election year was different. It was good to see people are finally coming around to my way of thinking.

South Dakota rejected a law that would have banned virtually all abortions. That’s a pretty conservative state, but like I’ve been saying for years – church-going farm folk get knocked up unexpectedly, too. What people don’t want to admit in public, they will vote for in private. Or against, in this case.

Speaking of which, Arizona voted against banning gay marriage. And good for them. I’m sure the temptation was overwhelming – thousands of heterosexuals standing in those cramped poll booths with the power to legislate the boundaries of love. They easily could have been Wedding Nazis: “No love for you!” But instead they chose the enlightening path of compassion and empathy. Lots of old people out there - maybe the rest of us could learn something from them. Such as: There are all kinds of people in this world – why not love them all? The institution of marriage promotes monogamy, which is healthier for all of society. Why would we discourage ANYONE from participating in that?

And then there was the passage of the stem cell measure in Missouri – a hotly contested debate that plumbed the depths of decorum when Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of hamming up his debilitating illness for the camera. The measure was a big win for the advancement of medical science in the Show Me state, while the incumbent Senator who publicly opposed it will soon be collecting unemployment. For your files, here’s a file photo of Rush in rehab. He’s a little thinner here because he’s battling a fierce addiction to over-the-border pain killers.

So, yeah – it was encouraging to see that the American majority, by and large, has had enough of our Administration’s blind leading the deaf leading the dumb policies. Tuesday’s sweeping Democratic victories were essentially a referendum against Lord Bush and his elite Republican cronies. The only two candidates for whom I voted NOT elected to office were the two Republican candidates I felt were better for the job. I threw them my support, but it just wasn’t enough to overcome public suspicion that the elephant in the room is actually an elephant.

Who's got a Chinese calendar handy? Is this the year of the ass or what?