A HIT-AND-RUN CHRISTMAS

I got back from my trip to San Francisco last week in one piece to find that I could not say the same for my car.

I’d parked it on a side street outside of Geri’s place prior to leaving town on business, and while I was gone, some assclown clipped the rear driver-side quarter panel pretty good and drove off.

Was there a note? Please. Is there ever a note? Of course not. Who would leave a note unless they’d been caught red-handed?

Official estimates place the damage somewhere in the neighborhood of $1700. The good news is that I pay insurance for these types of things. The bad news is that I like to keep my insurance premiums low each month, which means a higher deductible – in this case $1,000. That’s out-of-pocket cost to me before the insurance company will even think about getting their checkbook out.

There’s never a good time for something like this to happen, but the holidays have got to be the worst time. In addition to the normal hustle and bustle of the season, the gift buying and wrapping, shopping, unbearably cold weather and unbearably slow traffic, now I have to deal with a fucking hole in the rear end of my car. A hole that, I discovered almost immediately, had been left by one of the neighbors – a maroon van always parks on the same street.

Needless to say, I marched right down to the police station to let them know I’d been the victim of a hit-and-run accident. I filled out a police report and asked them what I needed to do. I did not like what I heard next.

The way I understand it, as explained by the friendly folks at Belmont and Western (Precinct 19), is that anybody can drive around the city hitting anybody they want to and unless someone actually SEES it happen, it didn't really happen. Never mind all of the circumstantial evidence, physical evidence, and common sense evidence. Such as? Let’s see here. The van was witnessed as parked right behind my car on the morning the accident happened. That same afternoon it was parked on the other side of the street, and a huge gash bearing the van's paint color suddenly appeared on my car, which had not moved one inch. Further, the gash was the exact same size and shape as a hinge on the side of the van, which now appears to bear the same silver paint color that is missing from MY car! I didn’t have to call Matlock for help on this one.

But because no one actually SAW it happen, the police said they couldn’t do anything about it – a policy perhaps best summed up as “complete and utter bullshit.” They could do something about it if they wanted to. They could come inspect the damage and confront the driver of the maroon van. If they put just 15 minutes into investigating it, they’d be able to help “serve and protect” the interests of the people they say they serve and protect.

The fact is, they don’t WANT to help me, because they have more important things to be taking care of, like securing the perimeter of the Dunkin Donuts on Ashland and Wellington, and handing out parking citations to the absent-minded, but otherwise law-abiding, folks who don’t put enough change in the meters on Southport.

But I’m not that easily put off. We’re talking about $1000 here. That’s a lot of kick ass Christmas gifts for the people I love.

So I sat down and wrote a letter to the owner of the van – a letter I plan to leave on the windshield of his broken down piece of crap vehicle the next time I spy it riding curbside on west Oakdale. The letter even includes photographs of the damage, as well as the number of the police report I filed implicating his van in a hit-and-run accident.

I close the letter with my phone number and an appeal for him to call me with his insurance information so I don't have to pursue criminal charges. The idea is to let him know that *I* know he hit me…and hope better sense prevails (if not the fear of prosecution).

So we'll see what happens. He could just ignore it or call me up and tell me to fuck off, in which case I'm no worse off than I am now. Or he might just play ball and I'll have saved myself a grand.

Here’s the letter and some photos for your files. I’ll keep you posted on this friendly neighborhood quarrel as it unfolds.

**********************

December 20, 2006


Re: Illinois license plate #1122136


Dear Neighbor,

This vehicle was recently identified as having been involved in a hit-and-run accident at the west end of the 1900 block of west Oakdale.

On Wednesday, December 13th, 2006, the vehicle was parked on the north side of the west-bound, one-way street behind a silver sedan. Preliminary forensic evidence, including photographs, paint samples, and other metrics have revealed that the silver vehicle incurred damage between the daylight hours of 9:30 am and 3pm, and that the damage was sustained by this vehicle as it was moved into or out of a parallel parked space.

This letter has been drafted as a courtesy to let the owner of this vehicle know that a police report has been filed with the Chicago Police Department (RD# HM-774156) and an investigation into this incident will be forthcoming.

As you may be aware, hit-and-run offenses are felonies that can carry substantial penalties. Since a note was not recovered from the crime scene, you are encouraged to call me at [312.NUMBER] regarding this accident to prevent criminal charges from being filed.

We believe this is a matter best settled by insurance companies, and your cooperation will be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

AYNtK
Neighborhood Watch

TURBULENCE

Today I write you from not-so-sunny California. Traveling on business, I had about an hour to relax in my hotel room before heading out for another meeting. After treating myself to myself, I now find I have 54 minutes left to play with.

So yeah - traveling on biz. Not my bag, really. Being successful in business, no matter what you do, is all about relationships. Unfortunately, I tend to be more on cthe introverted side until I've got about three martinis in me. In other words, not very good at small talk. I'm more of a typer than a talker. If business meetings involved people sitting around texting clever comments back and forth, I'd probably have a shot at the cover of Forbes. But sit me down with clients over a relaxing dim sum lunch and I've got about as much to say as Paris Hilton. But my boss says I sell myself short - that I'm actually quite good with people, who tend to like me because I come off as genuine. And so many people in business are anything but.

I suppose that's why I'm here today. Meeting clients. Shaking hands. Smiling. Nodding. Laughing. Providing punchlines where awkward pauses paralyze uneasy conversation. I'm a social favor. A reliable sidekick. An able crutch.

Before we departed from O'Hare yesterday, I must admit I had my reservations about this journey. First off, it involved getting on a plane - which, as you know, I don't do very often. Second, there were some very clear signs from the heavens that this mission might not be in my best interest. Like when my boss's boyfriend picked us up to take us to the airport. We walked up to the car to get in and the back passenger side door was locked. So I tapped on the window to get their attention. The car slowly pulled away from me and rolled down the street. I stood there in the middle of the street with my bags wondering how far they would get before realizing they had just left without me. The answer, in case you are curious, is two blocks. I actually got a big kick out of that.

Then as we were preparing to board the airplane, the PA announcer at O'Hare International informs us that the Department of Homeland Security had just raised its threat level to orange. That has to be one of the top 5 things you don't want to hear as you are stepping onto an airplane. Right up there with: "Free samples of baked beans for all passengers."

Speaking of beans, about half way to San Francisco my entire mid section was swollen with gas. For some reason, sitting in that cramped position with a seat belt fastened for hours on end makes my entire gastrointestinal system cramp up. I tried to hold it as long as I could, but eventually couldn't any longer. I let out a "tester" to see how absorbant the cushions were. They tell you in the safety literature to use them as flotation devices should the plane land on water. I figured they must be able to contain a couple of long-winded farts for a couple of hours.

I was wrong, of course, and the plane began to fill with a rapidly spreading, putrid stench. A malodorous wind I actually came to enjoy, to be honest. There's just something about the smell of my own gas that I don't mind so much. You know how it is. Anyhow, the guy next to me leans over and says: "People who pass gas on planes ought to be hung."

Staring directly at the Time magazine in my hands I calmly replied, "Actually...I am."

I don't fly airplanes to make friends - another reason I'd never cut it in sales. Networking is for IT specialists.

But the trip is winding down and I do feel it has been a successful one. I've been in front of a lot of people who can now put my adorable face with my name when we converse via conference call. I'm told it makes a lot of difference in developing strong client-agency relationships. And I believe it. But I'm still not looking forward to the 5 hour flight back.

In fact, I'm getting stomach cramps just thinking about it. You smell me?

PHOTOSHOPPING SPREE

Here's a video that may help explain why so many people have a poor self-image. It's called Evolution and you gotta know it goes on all the time.

FUMBLING THE BALL

I've been offline a lot lately.

Working hard. You know how it is.

Taking charge. Running the show. Being all I can be.

Taking it to the streets. Being the ball. Rocking the Casbah.

Breaking Benjamins. Counting Crows. Whistling Dixie. Sitting on the dock of the bay. Kissing the ring. Making the donuts. Burning the midnight oil. Bringing home Kevin's bacon. Jumping the shark. Holding the line. Burying the hatchet. Raising the roof. Lowering the floor. Widening the walls. Expanding the corners. Singing the blues. Running the table. Spilling the beans. Pleading the fifth. Playing the fool. Joining the club. Honing in. Maxing out. Cornering the market. Collecting the rent. Searching for Bobby Fischer. Flying the coop. Paying the piper. Making the grade. Cutting the cheese. Folding the laundry.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been busy doing other shit. And that means I have a lot to tell you...in due time, of course. Stick with me.

More to come.

HAVE YOU EVER REALLY TAKEN A DUMP?

The phrase confuses me. I've left more than my share of dumps over the years, but I've never once so much as contemplated, for even a second, taking one. Where would I take it? And what would I do with it when I get it there? Sorry. I'm perfectly content leaving my dumps...wherever they may fall.

Good day!

HOLIDAY TRADITIONS VIA SPAM

Here's a little humor that was sent to me this week from Hawaii Steve-O. In addition to a prosaic stream of porno bloopers and pin-up powerpoint presentations (most of which I know to delete without opening by scanning their filename), he's also good for something fun every once in a while - like this dandy tale.

It's a story explaining why we place an angel atop the Christmas tree every year. If you've ever wondered about that tradition, here's a little history by way of viral online storytelling.

************

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth (Dasher, no doubt) and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and a very irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it and there was a little angel standing there holding a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"

*****************

A FUR COAT FOR DOGS

That's it. I'm done. I can now say that I've seen it all.

SNOW DAZE

Amazing how a little snow brings out the best in people. In case you couldn't pick up on the tone there, that was sacrasm. As you probably know, the midwest is getting hammered by its first big snowstorm of the season and, predictably, people are losing their minds. Most of it has to do with getting around...and the fact that you can't really get around. At least not with the ease you normally would - which is a joke in itself considering congestion on the roads these days.

This morning I woke up and looked out my 20th floor window at the Chicago skyline. It was shrouded in a white haze, like someone had just shook up our snowglobe and set it back down on the table. As I type this from the comfort of my desk, I watch the flurries turn to flakes, crisscrossing in mid air in their relentless assault on everything glass, concrete, and steel. Surprisingly, my drive in to the office was uneventful. Took me a few extra minutes to make the drive - so around 20 minutes instead of the typical 15...and only because I was driving slower than I normally drive (which many would consider slow to begin with). Even though the roads were relatively clear, I couldn't help but detect drivers were on edge. I heard a lot more car horns. I saw people making ill-advised decisions. A guy turning from the 90/94 off-ramp onto Lake Street nudged a pedestrian, who slammed his fist on the hood as he walked by. The window of the vehicle rolled down and some words were exchanged. It was not a pleasant morning commute.

And then what happens is that everyone shows up to work grumpy. Instead of everyone being thrilled that it's Friday, people are frustrated and anxious and tense. The snow is calming to watch - but if you have to deal with it in any fashion, it can be quite stressful. I parked in the garage across the street from my office this morning - which I never do. I figured it was worth the $9 to keep the car dry and off the street...and to guarantee A.) it wouldn't get snowed in, and B.) it would start at 5pm when I leave.

And so here I sit. Watching the snow fall. Barely able to see the buildings across the street for this veil of streaming cotton. Wondering how long it will take me to get home tonight. But I accept it as something I can't change - and why would I want to? Snow is part of the beauty of life. Weather is a big part of the human experience. We give it a huge chunk of time on the nightly news. We allocate space on the back pages of newspapers. We discuss it with strangers when nothing else comes to mind. Climate is something people of a region have in common - it should bring us closer together, not whip us into a blustery frenzy. Snow is our common enemy today. a beautiful, majestic foe with billions of tentacles. But she can be defeated - if we arm ourselves with peace, love, and Gap.

Damn, that commercial is stuck in my head.

Shit break.

GET IN LINE

Torn up over which game console to buy for your kids this holiday season? Check out this handy guide provided by the folks at the Onion.

A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR

Everyone's entitled to a cranky day. I know I have my share of them. Even the 6-year-old H-Man will wake up in a funk from time to time, as he did this morning. I remember flopping about in my sheets on school mornings, dreading the thought of a long day in class. The shortened days of November have a way of depressing even the most cheerful of children. It's hard to get excited when it's cold, dark, and gray outside. Getting the H-man motivated was going to require a heavy dose of good cheer.

"I think you're going to want to get up soon, do you know why?" I asked him.

"Why?" he asked from beneath the comfort of a heavy pillow.

"Because today is going to be the best day ever."

"No it's not," he rebutted, as though the suggestion were another one of my ludicrous overstatements. Anyone who's read AYNtK for any length of time is familiar.

"Yes, it is. I just know it is."

"Today is going to be the worstest day," he shot back.

"That's not even a word!" Geri shouted out from the closet.

"Actually, H. Today is supposed to be the bestest day," I said in his native firstgradese.

He rolled over, getting the sense that I just might be serious.

"It's true," I continued. "And the reason is because of all the great things that could happen today. I have no idea what they are, but there are tons and tons of great things just waiting to happen. Stuff I can't even imagine, they're so good. And I need to be out there to enjoy them all. I'll tell you what. I'M excited about today because something very fun is going to happen. I can feel it. Yep. Today could be the best day ever - and I am not going to miss it." I slapped the edge of the mattress a couple of times and walked off confidently.

Three minutes later the H-Man was in the shower.

And now, as I sit here at work, I find myself hoping nothing bad happens to the little guy today or he'll never believe another word I say for as long has he lives.

KRAMER JUMPS THE SHARK

Wow. This is really bad. Michael Richards, the frizzy-haired comic actor who played Kramer on Seinfeld, was caught on tape making a complete ass out of himself.

On stage.

Apparently, he was getting heckled by a couple guys at a recent stand-up comedy show at the Laugh Factory when he completely lost all control and made a number of incredibly insensitive racial comments about the hecklers.

I personally think heckling sucks, but it doesn't sink to this level.

Be warned, the link is vulgar in its depiction of Michael Richards ceremoniously ending his own career. Click on the movie link to view the whole thing yourself. I hope he made a call to Mel Gibson's publicist after this shocking performance, because he's going to need a PR miracle to survive this Apocalytpo stumble.

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE LIVING AS FOES

Here's something that breaks my heart.

We were at Barnes & Noble Bookseller yesterday afternoon, browsing for Christmas gift inspiration, when we decided to stop in their second floor cafe for a gingerbread latte. As we waited for the barista to whip up our seasonal specialty beverages, we pulled up chairs at a nearby table. At the table behind us, three young boys were talking to each other while one of their mothers read quietly beside them.

"Yeah, I know. We're ALL going to go to war."

"Yeah, like, in 10 years it's going to be World War 3."

"I know. I'm going to be 19. We're going to have to go to war."

"I heard World War 3 is already started, but we won't have to go for 10 years."

"Yeah. It's started already. But the real world war won't be for 10 years."

As we got up to get our warm spiced coffee drinks, I suddenly felt terribly depressed. "Did you hear that?" I asked. "Those kids were talking about going to war. They were NINE years old and talking about World War 3."

It was startling, and made me wonder what kind of world we had created - that war was the expectation of our nation's youth. And not just any old war, but the mother of all wars...global smackdown numero tres.

I wasn't worried about going to war when I was a kid. We had the evil Russians to fear, not war. War back then was a handful of mysterious men in smoke-filled rooms without windows, pushing big red buttons and bringing armageddon to places thousands of miles away. It was a fear we couldn't imagine, so we didn't imagine it. We played Frogger and Pitfall and spun around on broken down cardboard boxes to people rhymically making fart sounds with their mouths. The human beatbox age was a simpler time.

But today's kids see news reports every day of American soldiers dying in a faraway place. They have family members, or friends with family members, serving extended tours of duty in the Middle East. And what are we telling our kids when they ask why we're at war? Do we tell them the truth? Or do we tell them what George Bush tells us because the Administration's soundbytes are hardwired into our polluted stream of consciousness? Do we reflexively demonize the nation of Islam? Do we define them all as "terrorists"? Do we say, "Because they hate us"? Or do we take the time to explain to our kids the way of the world - detailing our complex cultural differences, outlining our very different histories, and making an attempt to tell both sides of the story. They don't hate our people, kids. They hate our policies. There's a difference. They don't hate our way of life. They hate that our way of life is sustained at the expense of theirs. The responsibility for our current conflict is shared, depsite what you may hear from the righteous brothers at arms.

How do we raise our children so they don't make the same mistakes we've made? I don't quote Ozzy Osbourne very often - not because he isn't quoteworthy, but because his exact words are usually subject to great debate - but "maybe it's not too late...to learn how to love and forget how to hate."

The alternative may be exactly as those precocious 9-year-olds put it.

We'll be going off the rails on a crazy train.

THE WONDER YEARS

FYI - the world is in the process of selecting a new list of 7 World Wonders, and you can vote for your favorites here.

Some of the structures that made the list baffle me. The Eiffel Tower? One of the 7 Wonders of the World? I don't think so. Even the Parisians thought it hideous when it was first constructed. Others on the list make complete sense. Stonehenge. Easter Island. Truly magnificent "wonders" that defy explanation and instill us with a sense of awe.

A large number of contenders are up for consideration, and the world wants your opinion. Which was a greater world wonder - the Great Wall of China or the Eiffel Tower? No question in my mind that the largest man-made monument on the planet nabs that honor...but you may not see it that way. Read the short blurbs on all of the nominees (there are a bunch I personally wasn't even aware of) and then cast your vote today!

ESPN Motion Sickness

I need to vent.

Is there anyway to disable that stupid-ass ESPN Motion player on the espn.com homepage?

You know what I'm talking about - that little video screen in the upper right hand corner of the page they use to replay sports clips and commercials they presume I am interested in watching. I'm not.

I don't want it. I don't use it. I don't like it. Every time I visit that site, I get down to the third or fourth headline and the stupid player kicks in. It's distracting. It's annoying. Sometimes it's very loud. I hate it. And I immediately have to go up and click on the stop button to make the madness end.

I like to be in control my browsing expoerience, and ESPN won't let me. They keep forcing that audio/vidio shit down my throat. I'd boycott the site if it weren't the gold standard in sports news. Looks like I'm stuck with it. Just wish they'd let me OPT IN to the movie player instead of forcing me to opt out every single time.

Give me a dramamine - I've got ESPNMotion Sickness.

AM RADIOACTIVE

I was headed to the Bears game with my dad last month and, stuck in traffic en route to Soldier Field, we tuned in to some pre-game AM talk radio to get us fired up in advance of kick-off. The analysts and broadcasters were mercilessly criticizing someone's performance from the week prior, drilling down to the minutest details in offering explanations for why that player was under-delivering on the field. As the headless talking heads went back and forth, my dad offered up some food for thought.

"Imagine," he said, "if there were people in this world whose jobs were to analyze and criticize your work performance every day."

"Right," I said, catching his drift immediately. "And they'd question your salary, and your work ethic, and your desire. Every single day."

"Exactly. And then they'd do it over the radio so that millions of people could hear about how you messed up. And how you should have done something differently. And how you're not trying hard enough. Imagine being under the microscope like that."

It all seemed kind of absurd when we thought about it. These sports radio guys get paid to pick apart player performances day in and day out. They question absolutely everything. They orchestrate call-in programs where fans can get in on the bashing. They openly discuss details considered private in most employment agreements, like medical information and salaries. And they're constantly stirring up controversy by questioning commitment, dedication, intentions, and motivation. And, in many ways, high-profile sports figures are demonized by members of the media who don't know them personally - but who presume to for the sake of making a point.

Many of these folks say it comes with the territory - that professional sports figures are fair game because they're in the public eye. And because they make a LOT of money.

Then I imagined how I would feel if I turned on the radio this evening on my way home from work and heard people talking about ME.

"...that's exactly what I'm talking about, Mike. He clearly lacks focus. Let's go back to the conference call he had this morning. Completely unprepared. Hardly said a word. Mentally absent."

"No, you're right. But maybe that's because he's just not ready yet. He's too young."

"Too young? He's not a rookie anymore. By now, this kid needs to know how to handle a simple client call."

"But even the best have bad days. He's still learning the ropes. And let's give that conference call some props - those clients threw some real zingers at him today. Estimates? Schedules? I can guarantee you he wasn't prepared to handle those. Whose fault is that? The director."

"I agree. But he's got to have better instincts when he's under the gun. Period. But aside from the conference call. That's just one example. I'm talking about a pattern of behavior here that forces us to have to ask the question - maybe there's someone better out there. Maybe the agency should consider waiving him and re-staffing that position with some more proven talent."

"It always comes back to this. Keep him. Get rid of him. I still think he's going to be spectacular one day."

"One day, yes. But when? And how long is this agency willing to sit on his potential. He spends half his morning checking fantasy sports online. He spends another hour every day checking personal e-mail. And then there are the long coffee breaks. This is a guy who doesn't have the passion that is required to become great. Tons of natural talent - but no motivation."

"Well, we disagree again. Although I think he's overpaid, too. I'll agree with you there. They spent a ton of green when they went out and nabbed this guy. Signed him to a lucrative deal and have yet to see the investment pay off."

"Unless they figure out a way to bill clients for trips to the coffee machine."

"Right. That's right. Although he'll tell you he needs it to take his morning dump. Okay. Let's take a break. But when we come back we want to know what YOU think about AYNtK. Revenue-raising star or water cooler bust? We'll talk about the day he came in late because he couldn't find parking, the long lunch he had last Friday, his bad breath, and more. Stay tuned!"

"Oh man, the breath. That alone is grounds for dismissal. We'll be right back."

And then I'd flip the station and there'd be two more jackasses talking about me.

"What was with that sweater he wore to work yesterday? Did you see that?"

"It wasn't the sweater so much as it was the pants. I've never seen such a random dresser in my life. Different colors, styles, patterns. It's like he's dressing out of one of those Salvation Army bins behind the grocery store."

"Did you hear what his co-worker said about his breath the other day?"

OFF.

Most of these sports dudes are pretty tough to begin with, but they must have skin of steel to deal with some of the crap these motormouths are belching out during the morning drive. I don't know how they do it - but I'm glad I don't have to deal with that kind of public criticism.

Anyone have a breath mint?

HO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF CISCO

Pirate Brad sent me this link as explanation for his walking the porcelain plank at our Halloween Party a couple weeks ago. It does seem to explain a lot. Not the site itself, but the fact that Pirate Brad says it's one of his favorites.

The Night Train is leaving the station...all aboard! This link is actually a pretty good resource for college kids looking to drink on a dime. And busy professionals. The only "bumwine" I've ever had, that I know of, is Mad Dog 20/20. The name sends a mixed message of sorts. While I was foaming at the mouth by evening's end, my eyesight was no where near 20/20. I'm thinking it ought to be Mad Dog 20/400 or something like that.

CHOPPER STOPPER

Screw the Playstation 3.

Here's a fun helicopter game that will keep you occupied for hours.

Or at least several minutes.

INSERT TWO MORE TOKENS TO CONTINUE

I am old. Old and out of touch. I keep seeing these news stories all over the internet about the debut of a new gaming console called the Playstation 3. Apparently there have been long lines across the country, and a number of heated altercations, as people fight to be the first to own one. And here I am, oblivious to this nation's insatiable hunger for cutting-edge electronic entertainment. I just don't understand the hype at all. It's a GAME box - I'm pretty sure Sony is going to be making more of them. Are these collectors editions? What does this demand for hand-eye stimulation come from?

When I was a kid, we had Atari. 2600, baby. And that was a pretty big deal when it first came out. But it was revolutionary because you no longer had to trek out to the J.J. Peppers convenience mart around the corner from the park to play Space Invaders. For the first time you could play arcade games on your television in your home. It was breakthrough technology that shaped the way we live and interact. The medium, as you know, is the message. Instead of gathering in public places every once in a while to share in the gaming experience, people could now enjoy the same games at home on their own. And these machines soon became an appliance staple, like a toaster or a can opener. Every home had one.

Today, a lot of homes have multiple gaming machines, from multiple makers - in addition to personal computers, which are also chipped and equipped to accommodate a massive PC gaming industry. Where personal gaming had once been an entertainment novelty, it is now deeply woven into our nation's social fabric. Children are often born with them already in the house, and grow up devoting countless hours developing post-modern maladies like "Nintendo Thumb" and "Playstation Posture." And a lot of parents don't mind because, as every parent knows, Nintendo is a relatively cheap babysitter.

I understand the dazzling allure of modern gaming consoles - the graphics are so real they stop me sometimes when I'm doing laps at Best Buy. But when I see people lined up outside of buildings in the cold, willing to fight over an appliance that will still be available tomorrow and next week, I have to wonder what's happening to us as a people.

But then, our parents used to fight over Cabbage Patch Dolls in the aisles of Toys 'R' Us. So maybe it's less about an addiction to new technology and more about a competitive sense of entitlement that comes with life in culture of mass consumption.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a high score of Tetris to beat.

AMERICA'S TOP POLITICIAN

There’s been a lot of talk for years now (not just by me!) about getting a third major party established in this country – someone to give those Republicans and Democrats a run for their money. The Libertarians and Green and Reform Parties have all fielded candidates in past elections, but they just don’t get the media attention or the widespread public support they need to prove viable come Election Day.

So here’s my idea: a television show on FOX called America’s Top Politician. Why FOX? Because they're crazy enough to do something sensational like that.

Simon Cowell and Mark Burnett will team up to produce it…a weekly show on which ordinary people like you and me (who also meet the Constitutional requirements for becoming President) line up outside of auditoriums nationwide to audition in front of a panel of judges for a shot at becoming El Presidente. I know it sounds ludicrous – but I bet it would result in one hell of a candidate…and the press coverage he/she would get from week to week would make him/her a formidable opponent in the General Election!

This is how I imagine it would be done.

The show would last a full year and start with several months of broad auditioning to weed out the religious zealots, criminally stupid, car salesmen, and facially uninteresting. Can you imagine how hilarious the auditions would be? Our panel of judges would ask average people to provide practical solutions to real problems and then vote based on the quality of the responses. Who would judge? Could be anybody! I'm thinking my mom, Gary Coleman, and Bruce Willis for starters. People would learn pretty quick how difficult it is being a politician as they struggle to offer viable solutions that won’t offend SOME group of people. I'm guessing most folks would sound like complete idiots. I know I would!

“Mr. AYNtK – okay. Welcome.”

“Thanks for having me.”

“So you’d like to be President?”

“Sure.”

“Sure? That doesn’t sounds very convincing. Why are you here?”

“I heard the job pays more than the one I have, and I could use the extra coin.”

“So you’re here for the money?”

“It’s all about the Benjamins. And having access to that private jet would be pretty sweet, too. Par-tay!”

“Fantastic. So let’s see. How would you propose the U.S. government address the troublesome flow of illegal immigrants from south of the border?”

“That’s a great question. And I have a great answer. First, I would offer them all jobs.”

“Did you say jobs? How would that help solve the problem?”

“I’m not finished. The jobs would be digging trenches. I propose we pay the largest workforce in American history minimum wage to dig a 20-foot deep, half-mile wide trench from California to the Gulf Coast. Then I’d have them it with oil and light it on fire like that kick ass scene at the end of the Beastmaster. Did you see that scene? You know which one I’m talking about? Maybe it was Beastmaster 2.”

“Let me get this straight. You’d pay a massive foreign labor team to dig a gargantuan petroleum moat and ignite a permanent barrier of flames between Mexico and the U.S.?”

“Yes, sir, I would. It’d be a real life firewall...like the ones that protect computers from viruses and stuff. Except it would be a REAL firewall protecting our lower-class jobs from foreigners, thereby preserving the rich, cultural traditions of our nation’s NASCAR class.”

“That is a completely asinine suggestion…and yet also very brilliant in a way. I like how you think and I’m going to vote you through to the next round!”

This kind of Q&A would go on all over the nation until our list of viable candidates is narrowed down to 16 finalists. These 16 presidential hopefuls would then compete in a series of mock challenges in a format more like the Apprentice. Donald Trump would preside over phase 2 ensuring that the candidates not only have good ideas, but possess strong leadership skills as well. They’d be split up into teams and given a number of tasks to muddle through. Then the losing team would be sent to the board room where Trump would send one of them home: “You’re impeached!”

Phase 2 would last several more months until the list of candidates is narrowed down to 8. The remaining 8 would have to learn how to dance with the help of a professional partner and America would vote on their dance routines every week until the field is narrowed to 4.

The final 4 would then participate in a series of debates, after which America would vote, eliminating two of the candidates. The final two would then have a foot race, arm wrestling match, and ro-sham-bo for the right to run for president. The runner-up would become the VP candidate on the same ticket. It's brilliant!

I think America’s Top Politician would give the major party candidates a real scare, too. He/She would be a strong, sensitive, smart leader with a textbook tango. I know – this is all beyond genius. And here’s the best part. All those .99 cent calls to vote for your favorite politician add up in the winning candidate’s advertising fund so they are able mount a serious media challenge in the weeks leading up to the election. Gotta hit those airwaves!

So what do you think, Simon? Are you game? Let's do this!!!

THE JOLLY LLAMA SAYS

If you're looking for Enlightenment, start with a matchbook.

TO MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS COMEDY MAN FROM BRITISH

As you must be aware by now, Borat is a not really an Eastern European bigot with a knack for making people uncomfortable. He's a British comedian who's made a killing at the box office by pulling off one of the grandest candid camera pranks of all time. Sacha Baron Cohen's character Borat has been the top draw for two weeks in a row now - and the appeal of his cinematic charade is simple: the film is one long practical joke on America and, we the people are in on it.

Have you seen it yet? Lucky you. And have you heard how all of the "real" characters from Borat's motion picture are coming out of the woodwork to say they had no idea the entire thing was a ruse? There were definitely some moments where I was thinking: "This HAS to be staged." But as it turns out, the scenes were actually more real than anyone thought - including the people appearing in them, many of whom are now seeking legal recourse for the way they were portrayed.

Producers allegedly told participants they would be appearing in a foreign-made documentary on American life. Some were even liquored up before their appearance. All of them signed documents agreeing to the use of their likenesses. What these people didn't know was that the ignorant, backward filmmaker from Khazakhstan wasn't really an ignorant, backward filmmaker from Khazakhstan. He was a British comedian filming what would amount to a feature length episode of Punk'd. They just didn't realize they'd been Punk'd until the movie was playing in theaters nationwide.

My review? It's everything you may have heard it was: irreverent, crass, outrageous, juvenile, and loaded with toilet humor - literally at times. But it wasn't offensive in a gratutious way - like, say, Porky's or American Pie. It was genuinely offensive, which, strangely, was probably what made it so entertaining. The film shows real people interacting with Borat, reacting to his disgusting, obnoxious comments and behavior, clearly uncomfortable, and completely unscripted. You actually feel a little bad for them at times - but worse for the conscience of America. And that was the depressing genius of the film, in my opinion.

In exaggerating the fictional prejudices of an unrefined, underdeveloped culture, Borat actually exposes the real prejudices of a culturally advanced and presumably more "enlightened" people. Some of the things uttered by the real particpants in this film will make you sicker than the twisted crap that comes out of Borat's mustached mouth. Sad, really, that in 2006 there were people willing to make such hateful, appalling remarks about minorities, homosexuals, and women - entirely aware that the camera is rolling. It's hilarious to watch the reactions of other people when Borat makes such remarks. It hurts when real people make similarly offensive remarks right back at him.

Still, despite these depressing cultural revelations, I enjoyed the film immensely. Laughed myself to tears in a couple of spots, I am almost embarrassed to admit. I do feel obliged to caution that the movie is not for everyone. Some of the scenes may be a little over the top in relentless pursuit of indecency. If you're looking for wholesome family entertainment, this is definitely not it. But if you're looking for something wildly outrageous, Borat says it best:

You like!

CHAKRA KHAN, LET ME ROCK YA

I had my aura read this afternoon and learned that my chakras are all out of whack. The reader first told me that my aura was healthy and that I was projecting myself well. She also said my color, yellow, denoted wisdom and creativity. Then I asked her what the giant yellow orb on the diagram meant - and she informed me that my navel chakra, or solar-plexus, was extremely active. I told her I had not eaten lunch yet and wondered why there was so much activity in that area. She explained that chakras are channels for energy - and that this was where the sense of self, or ego, manifests. She called it the power center for the self. So I asked her what the little dots meant "here" and "over here." I pointed to the purple dot on the top of the diagram's head and the blue one in the neck. She told me those were my crown and throat chakras, and there wasn't a whole lot of energy flowing through those. I didn't like the sound of that at all. So I got online and looked up some ways to balance my chakras. Three cups of herbal tea later and I've got to say I am feeling fantastic. I can't say my chakras are in balance - but I definitely feel a shit coming on. And that's almost always a good thing.

YEAR OF THE ASS

Did you vote this week?

I did. Used one of those unwieldly optical scan ballots that are the size of cafeteria trays. The whole experience was very Alice-in-Wonderland for me. After connecting all of the arrows to my choices for public servant, I took the over-sized sheet to the tabulator, which operates much like a paper shredder. It sucked my ballot in and that was that. A lady with her name stickered to her blouse handed me a generic “receipt” that I suppose was to make me feel better about the process because now I had PROOF that I had voted. But all it really did was give me a meaningless piece of paper that I promptly discarded on the way out the door. More meaningful would have been an itemized receipt - like the bill they give you at a restaurant, with all my choices clearly listed so I could verify that I had voted correctly. Imagine playing Super Lotto and having them hand you a generic, "Thanks for playing!" ticket. What good is that? I want to see the numbers I picked so I know who I'm rooting for.

As I walked away from the scanner machine I pointed back at it and announced, "There's the winning ballot, right there!" Everyone looked at me like I was insane. "That's the winner, right there. I just picked all the winners. Trust me - I have a knack for these things." The registrar at the entry table wiped horseradish off her mouth with a napkin and said, "That's not how it works, sir."

"Watch the news, tonight. I bet you I win." And I walked out.

It turns out I missed two. But that's not a bad percentage. I believe this may be the first time in my life that I have ever voted and came out on the majority side of things. I voted for Dole in '96 and he was trounced by Slick Willie. I voted for Bush in 2000 and he was beat by Al Gore (although the powers that be made sure he ascended to the throne) – so I suppose that qualifies as a win. Although, considering where he’s taken our country over the last 6 years, it's hard to call that a win. Then voted for Kerry in ’04 and he was mauled by the Republican rhetoric and marketing machine. Every successful politician in this country since 1776 has been a "flip-flopper," but Kerry was officially branded one...and that made all the difference.

But this election year was different. It was good to see people are finally coming around to my way of thinking.

South Dakota rejected a law that would have banned virtually all abortions. That’s a pretty conservative state, but like I’ve been saying for years – church-going farm folk get knocked up unexpectedly, too. What people don’t want to admit in public, they will vote for in private. Or against, in this case.

Speaking of which, Arizona voted against banning gay marriage. And good for them. I’m sure the temptation was overwhelming – thousands of heterosexuals standing in those cramped poll booths with the power to legislate the boundaries of love. They easily could have been Wedding Nazis: “No love for you!” But instead they chose the enlightening path of compassion and empathy. Lots of old people out there - maybe the rest of us could learn something from them. Such as: There are all kinds of people in this world – why not love them all? The institution of marriage promotes monogamy, which is healthier for all of society. Why would we discourage ANYONE from participating in that?

And then there was the passage of the stem cell measure in Missouri – a hotly contested debate that plumbed the depths of decorum when Rush Limbaugh accused Michael J. Fox of hamming up his debilitating illness for the camera. The measure was a big win for the advancement of medical science in the Show Me state, while the incumbent Senator who publicly opposed it will soon be collecting unemployment. For your files, here’s a file photo of Rush in rehab. He’s a little thinner here because he’s battling a fierce addiction to over-the-border pain killers.

So, yeah – it was encouraging to see that the American majority, by and large, has had enough of our Administration’s blind leading the deaf leading the dumb policies. Tuesday’s sweeping Democratic victories were essentially a referendum against Lord Bush and his elite Republican cronies. The only two candidates for whom I voted NOT elected to office were the two Republican candidates I felt were better for the job. I threw them my support, but it just wasn’t enough to overcome public suspicion that the elephant in the room is actually an elephant.

Who's got a Chinese calendar handy? Is this the year of the ass or what?

CHOO CHOO!

We hosted a Halloween party last Friday night and things got a little out of hand. Pirate Brad took a ride on the Night Train, which derailed around 2:15 am.

No worries, Bradley - we've all been there!


[give yourself a courtesy flush, buddy!]

EXERCISING THE VOICE OF AMERICA

I have a voice. You have a voice. If we use them together we have a louder voice. Voices are used to communicate, to let others know how we feel and what we are thinking. Voices are important because they can be used to influence behavior and change the world. And that’s why it’s important to exercise your voice when you have something to say.

I like knowing that I a voice, even if it’s a small one. And size definitely matters. Think about all of the worthless crap Rush Limbaugh submits for public discourse on a daily basis. Why should his opinions matter any more than yours or mine? In substance, they don’t – but because he has a much bigger voice, he enjoy far more influence.

AYNtK is my voice, and I like knowing there’s a place I can exercise it with people outside of shouting distance. The Internet is a teeming hive abuzz with voices.

I derive great satisfaction using mine because it lends the illusion I have some control over what's going on out in the world, even if I know the absolute controls of law and policy are shaped more by bribes and money than bitching and moaning.

In addition to this voice, where I spread my own intoxicating brand of "common sense" propaganda (let's call it what it is), I’ve a second voice in the voting booth, and a third through participation in public opinion polls. Polls, you say? Mos def. Polls,not unlike advertising, don’t just reflect the attitudes and beliefs of society, they have the power to shape it. Polls are the pulse of a people, and a good indication of whether you’re going with the flow, or resisting. So whenever I am asked to participate in a poll, I do it without hesitation. It’s a voice.

I'm currently registered with www.pollingpoint.com, which solicits opinions from time to time on important issues, and yesterday morning I received one surely aimed at predicting the outcome of next week's mid-term elections. I eagerly dove into it, anxious to let the world know I felt it was high time we make some changes in those houses on the hill. I read the very first question to myself and knew I had to share it with you because it really got me thinking about America.

Question:

What is the Most Important Problem facing the coutnry today?

• Education

• Immigration

• Health Care and Health costs

• Energy Supply/Gas and Oil Prices

• Taxes/Deficit

• Economy and Jobs

• Abortion

• Housing

• Gay Marriage

• Terrorism

• Poverty

• Corruption in Government

• Crime

• Social Security and pensions

• War in Iraq

• Pollution and the Environment

• Drug Abuse

• Rising Prices

• Other, (please specify):

Wow! How could I choose just ONE at the expense of ignoring all of the other ones? Surely, one of these would stand out as the BIGGEST problem, right? It was difficult, but I rationalized my way through the list until I arrived at my answer. I began at the top.

Education is a major problem, but probably not our nation’s biggest. We definitely need to figure out a way to pay teachers more so we can attract a reliable supply of highly qualified public educators, level the playing field between low- and high-income communities, and improve standards and performance in public schools so parents don't feel like they have to send their kids to private schools for a quality educations. Either privatize public schools and let parents decide where to send their kids (only the strong will survive, thereby improving the quality of education via market forces), or overhaul public schools so they can compete with private schools. What’s the hold up here? Oh yeah, the billions we’re spending to secure and rebuild a country we invaded on poor intelligence.

Immigration is also problem, but how can we send back millions of illegal immigrants who are already here and peacefully contributing to GNP? Not practical or logistically feasible. Why not register them by granting temporary amnesty and enrolling them in some kind of guest worker program so we can get them on the books, thereby establishing a legal process for handling the flow of wanna-be Americanos – making English a prerequisite for citizenship in order to preserve the unity afforded by our national language, of course. I understand there’s an immediate need to secure our borders, and the great wall of America they're building down there now will be an interesting (and costly) experiment in low-tech security. I am neither for nor against it – but I do have my doubts. A massive wall couldn't keep the Mongolian horde from steamrolling into China – I sincerely doubt a razor-wire fence will prevent starving Mexicans from finding a way in. One final note: A lot of people argue that immigrants are only taking jobs that Americans don't want. But we've got a MASSIVE workforce available to perform these jobs: They're called criminals, and right now they sit behind bars bleeding our coffers dry while giving NOTHING back to society. Put those fuckers to work...and all these LOW-paying jobs we're squabbling over suddenly become NO-paying jobs. The only jobs left to fight over would be the ones that require a grasp of the English language. Illegals are coming to America to work, not because the weather is nicer. If there aren’t any jobs up here either, maybe they’ll stop making a run for the border. It’s a problem…but not our nation’s biggest.

Health Care and Health costs – This one is up there all right. Health care is currently priced out of the ballpark, and insurance companies are the primary reason. The symbiotic relationship between the two industries has resulted in an unending escalation of health care costs. I think health insurance should be treated more like car insurance...as an INSURANCE policy against accidents and whatnot, not a medical fund you pay into every month to subsidize routine visits. If my twice-daily asthma control medication, Advair, sold for $130 on the market (listed retail price), it wouldn’t survive as a product because people wouldn’t be able to afford it! But propped up by insurance company subsidies, it finds its way into millions of homes month after month. Why is an insurance company paying for my medicine? Instead of having me (and my employer) pay huge premiums to my insurance company so that my insurance company can turn around and pay off the pharmaceutical company, why not just lower the fucking price of the medicine and I’ll pay for it myself? Corporations make this econo-savvy adjustment all the time…it’s called cutting out the middle man. The bureaucracy and overhead associated with maintaining today's Health Maintenance Organizations keeps ballooning, and we keep footing the bill. It's not a healthy situation at all.

Energy Supply/Gas and Oil Prices – I'm not worried so much about the supply as I am the demand. If we reduced our energy needs, then prices would come down and this “problem” wouldn't even be on the list. But it IS on the list, primarily because the American standard of living is intimately tied to a steady flow of oil – most of which comes from the land of Jihad. Oil is the lifeblood of our economy; without oil, the American empire crumbles quickly to dust. Our enemies know this, by the way. Where do we start? Alternative forms of power exist, but big oil companies currently have the lobby to resist their development. We need major policy change here. Another very big problem, perhaps on its way to becoming our biggest...

Taxes/Deficit – Yeah, taxes are a bitch…aren’t they? But I think most reasonable people agree that they are necessary evil in today’s world. They pay for our protection and infrastructure. The problem here, in my always-humble opinion, is the cannon of indecipherable tax code even CPAs call laughable. It's far too easy to find loopholes in that mountain of legal mumbo-jumbo, and the IRS admits it can only catch a tiny fraction of the people who are knowingly breaking the law. The tax structure as it is set up doesn't work. A major overhaul is required. I say scrap the entire fucking thing and start over with something new and simple. I've heard a lot of great ideas on this, including a plan that would replace income tax with a general consumption tax – so people keep more of what they earn, and pay tax only on what they consume. It's just an idea, but a place to start. I sometimes wonder if anyone in power will ever have the balls to try something new.

Economy and Jobs – Hey...you gotta keep the people busy or they'll resort to mischief. Or starve. Fortunately, we are among the planet’s richest people. A democracy of goods has made a comfortable life more accessible to more people today than at any other time in history. But you have to be able to afford these goods to enjoy them, which means bringing home the bacon. Our problem here is that we have become a white-collar service society with too many people counting on blue collar manufacturing jobs to live the American dream. We can't compete with overseas labor, so our workforce needs to adapt to this paradigm shift or risk a future on skid row. There will almost always be some percentage of the population out of work – the challenge in keeping this figure low in any society is matching the skills of the employees with the needs of the employers. This is becoming more and more of a problem as the global economy picks up steam and we become, in essence, one world. To compete, we must adapt to America’s new economic role. Still, I don’t get the feeling this is our nation’s biggest problem right now.

Abortion – How can you possibly reconcile two viewpoints so diametrically opposed? The Supreme Court tried with its Roe v. Wade decision, establishing the concept of viability as the centerpiece of its decision to give states the right to make legal this controversial medical procedure. Viability was essentially a stab at defining when a "life" becomes a life with legal rights, and they determined that this right to "life" comes when the person-to-be can survive and develop naturally independent of the mother. According to the medical community, the viability threshold is around the end of the second trimester. For an issue so hotly debated and emotionally charged, I have to say I found the Supreme Court's wisdom remarkably rational – given, of course, the fact that this is a zero-sum issue with virtually no room for compromise. While abortion remains a hot topic, and will remain a lightning rod issue for some time, I don't personally consider it one of our nation's biggest problems.

Housing – A big part of living is having a place to live. Unfortunately, most places to live cost money – and if you don’t have enough of it, housing can become a real problem. Take a look at the people who are homeless. Many are mentally ill. They don’t know what’s best for them. They can’t hold down a job like the rest of us. They’re alcoholics or drug addicts. The bottom line is that people are typically homeless because they are either mentally sick or physically lazy, not because they can't find jobs. Separating the unwilling to work from the unable to work is the first step in tackling homelessness. And then we need a policy of some kind for sweeping the streets and getting these folks off of them. There should be a place for everyone…and the street is not one of them. This is definitely a problem, but no where near our nation’s biggest.

Gay Marriage – I can't imagine there would be a single person in America who would sincerely argue that gay marriage is the biggest problem facing our country today. I personally don't see it as a problem at all, let alone a MAJOR problem that requires an Amendment to our Constitution. But that's what separates me from President Bush. That and a 6th grade reading level. Is gay marriage a problem? Absolutely. The problem is that a significant percentage of the population can’t enter legally recognized, long-term committed relationships like the rest of us. All men are created equal, unless they happen to prefer other men.

Terrorism – Ah...the Dick Cheney special. Get them before they get us. Fight them over there instead of over here. The best defense is a good offense. ATTACK! It's true – terrorism is a real problem. It was a problem before 9/11 (see: World Trade attack numero uno, bombing of U.S. embassies, U.S.S. Cole, etc.) – and will continue to BE a problem so long as our foreign policies result in the systematic oppression of people half way around the world – particularly impoverished people who happen to be religious fanatics. It really doesn't matter how aggressively we pursue these third world henchmen, their distaste for us is cultural. Wherever our presence is regarded as an unholy occupation, terror will grow. It feels good to know we’re being proactive about the problem, but ridding the world of these zealots is complicated because our war machine is decapitating a hydra in disguise – every time we cut off its head, two more grow back. Decapitation actually creates more danger, not less. To defeat this beast, we have to take it out at the belly, where attitudes and behavior fuel action. The pull-string Bush doll likes the phrases: "Bring 'em to justice" and "Hold 'em to account." But you wouldn’t go after a bee that stung you by squeezing your fist into its beehive. That's just fucking stupid. And in this case, the beehive is a vast and venomous Middle East. It’s not like we can carpet bomb the entire desert and wipe out a billion Muslims (although I’m sure that was Rumsfeld’s Plan A). So yeah – I'd say terrorism is definitely one of our nation's biggest problems...because the people in charge of preventing it are haphazardly promoting it. How about we explore ways to foster good will in other parts of the world instead of aggressively imposing our will everywhere we go? Bush insists such a radical approach won’t work because they hate our whole way of life. But of course they do! Our way of life is what keeps them hopeless and destitute. This is a national problem not likely to go away any time soon.

Poverty - You can't have a list like this one without mentioning the poor. Poverty is a cultural institution in this country. And the people with the power to make a difference have done virtually nothing to change the prevailing mindset in poor communities that this is "as good as it gets." The result is a permanent welfare state – a population of people who for generations have been born and raised in an economically disadvantaged environment. A lower class without aspiration. We throw food stamps at them and raise the minimum wage every once in a while – token gestures that do more to keep them in poverty than help them out of it. While this is another big problem...it’s not what I would consider our greatest.

Crime – Crime is an unfortunate byproduct of some of the other problems on this list, such as poverty, drug abuse, and rising prices. As a result, it improves as the other problems improve, so it doesn’t make my list of top national concerns. One thing I will note is that I think we’re too quick as a society to lock up non-violent criminals, when they could be far more valuable to us all serving time on the outside. If we were to weed out the non-violent criminals from the violent ones, we’d discover that our nation's crime rate is actually a lot lower than the fear-inspiring media would have it seem. I’m not saying crime isn’t a problem – but how we deal with it may be more of one.

Social Security and pensions – Another doozy right here. We've been hearing for YEARS that our nation's security net is an insolvent mess. It's a hot topic every election year, and then it somehow drops completely off the radar. To address the issue, some have suggested we let people invest a portion of their social security in private accounts. Others call this gambling. The way I understand it, Social Security was created to protect people from themselves. The government recognized that, as Americans started living longer lives, they couldn't all be trusted to save up enough money to support themselves post-retirement. As a result, the social security net was established to help protect our "tribe elders." Privatizing a portion of that money is just another misguided, token gesture designed to preoccupy us with the illusion of control, when the overarching problem is that our government is spending our social security money on other things! This is definitely a major problem – and it may soon become our biggest if it continues to go unaddressed.

War in Iraq – I'm guessing this option will likely garner the poll’s highest percentage of responses. And I can understand the sentiment...war is among the costliest of national endeavors – in more ways than one. At least when we went to Afghanistan it was to chase down known terrorists and deliver payback, Tony Montana style. Rock and roll, Rummy. Go do that thing you do. Our invasion of Iraq, however, proved a horrible miscalculation based on erroneous information that has since served to create more terroristas (would you like whipped cream on your Skim Latte Jihad?) than it has disrupted. We can’t get any support from the rest of the world on this, but if we bailed, the U.N. would be forced to come in and mitigate the ensuing chaos. Hey, the rest of the world hates us anyhow, right? Major problem, for certain.

Pollution and the Environment – Al Gore had me on the rampage after his "Inconvenient Truth" flick, which I found both fascinating and inspiring. I then read the book 'State of Fear' by Michael Crichton on the advice of a good friend. I’ve never been much a fan of fiction, but properly annotated, a good novel can be every bit as informational as – and often more compelling than – a purported “truth,” inconvenient or otherwise. Assimilating knowledge from both sources, and consulting available arguments in support of both positions, I must say that I no longer share in the panic of hard-core environmentalists. Instead, I have cultivated a frightening appreciation for how our national political-legal-media machine works. Everyone has a motive…even the well-intended folks who cry “warming!” But as Crichton delicately illustrated (in a book I recommend every American reads), good intentions coupled with bad information is a recipe for disaster. Bottom line: in systems as chaotic and complex as our global environment, it is virtually impossible to detect reliable cause-effect relationships. So while I believe that pollution is a problem and that it would be nice to clean up the environment, I no longer think of global warming as a catastrophe in the wings.

Drug Abuse – A problem, yes. But our nation’s biggest problem? Clearly not. Drugs are cool. That was a joke. What concerns me more than the incidence of illicit, illegal drug abuse is the proliferation of FDA-approved crap foisted upon the masses by massive pharmaceutical companies. Somehow marijuana is bad, but Paxil is good. I have had them both, and can testify that marijuana is much healthier for the mind than Paxil. Without question. But slick marketing would have us believe otherwise. Apparently, we’re a nation of clinically depressed, sexually dysfunctional insomniacs with bad heartburn, high cholesterol, crippling arthritis, and a scorching case of herpes. But we can live the good life through good pharmacy. It doesn’t happen often, but I side with Tom Cruise on this one. Just say no to designer drugs.

Rising Prices – Inflation happens. But more unsettling to me is the financial industry’s vast takeover of American real estate. Think about this. It’s called “owning” your own house if you pay a mortgage, but you don’t really own your house – the bank does. Homeowners are still renters – we just write our checks out to the bank every month instead of the landlord. Worse, if something goes wrong at your hizzouse, there’s no super to call. You gotta fix that shit yourself. Yeah…there are benefits to owning your own home – benefits routinely summed up with grown-up words like equity and appreciation – if you’re lucky. And if you happen to live in the same house 30 years after you buy it, you just may end up owning it outright. The rest of us are just paying rent with interest, hoping the housing market happens to be hot when it comes time to move. Further, there was a time when the nuclear family was supported by a single breadwinner. Not anymore. No one understands the two-income household cultural revolution better than the actuaries in the mortgage industry. Today it takes two incomes to afford the same houses families used to be able to afford on one. It’s no wonder there’s a brand spanking new bank on nearly every city corner of the city. They’re flush, baby! It’s not exactly ironic, I suppose, that the banks have all of the money…or is it? We are but serfs, working in the fields of the financial industry, paying our wages right back to the landowners and investment lords of the manor. The rest goes to Best Buy and Verizon because flashy toys keep us preoccupied. I see rising real estate prices as a huge national problem, but not the very worst.

Corruption in Government – At first I skimmed over this option because, well, everyone just assumes there’s corruption in government. But then I thought about it. Why does everyone just assume there’s corruption in government? Is it true that absolute power corrupts?

Our nation’s Fathers fashioned a rather intricate system of government that has served us well for 2 and a quarter centuries. I suppose it’s hard to complain about corruption in government when you’re the world’s lone superpower. But that’s all we are anymore – a power. A military machine. We’re no longer admired or respected overseas for our values, ideas, and charity. Our values are mocked. Our ideas are questioned. Our good will is more often mistaken for subornment. Why is that? And that’s only the beginning.

The economies of backwards countries are being turned around while ours flirts with stagflation. Obesity is epidemic. Our children are not realizing their potential (U.S. ranks 55th in literacy). Third world countries are going completely wireless, while we remain chained to our copper, cabled infrastructure. China has stricter emissions regulations on its cars. CHINA! The legal system takes forever and costs a fortune to go through – so justice belongs to the wealthy. The tax codes are a nightmare. We are still a great country in many, many ways – full of great people (like me) – but our claim to “greatest nation on earth” is certainly in question.

It’s sewn into our cultural fabric somewhere that America is the greatest nation on the planet. We grow up recursively hearing it, and can’t help believing it. But statistics bear out that we are not the great world leader we tell ourselves we are when we are drunk. And for this, I believe, we have our leaders to blame.

They squabble over stupid shit, distorting the voting records and public statements of their rivals for political gain. There’s pork in every bill that gets passed around. Many of them have been proven liars and hypocrites. And it seems even the most well-intended of public servants ultimately succumb to the (two-party) system that prevents us from progressing like so many other less encumbered nations around the world.

So that was my choice. Government Corruption. Biggest problem in my America. I believe it is responsible for our failure to address so many of the other problems on this list. Now…chances are good it wouldn’t be your choice, and I’d wager it doesn’t even come in the top 10 when all the other votes are added up. But I wanted my voice to be heard, so that’s how I voted.

And on this note, I wish you a fantastic weekend out in the world. Think about voting next Tuesday and what it means. Exercise your voice. Be the change you want to see in the world.

Peace out.

UNBEARABLE!

It was one of the most egregious violations of human rights ever reported - and the whole thing was captured on tape. Just this past weekend, at least 40 Americans were forced to endure hours of degrading, humiliating, and painful treatment at the hands of fellow American citizens in an episode that many international watch groups are calling a senseless tragedy. Perhaps you saw the footage on the Sunday evening news, or heard it discussed around the water cooler on Monday morning. Yes, I am talking about the Chicago Bears publicly flogging the San Francisco 49ers in front of a nationally televised crowd.

I am almost ashamed to admit that I was on hand to witness the event in person - and did nothing to prevent it. Nor did the other 60,000+ screaming fans who encouraged the Bears to pour on the punishment play after play after play. In case you do not follow football, the Bears scored early and often against the hapless Niners...mounting an almost unfathomable 41-0 FIRST HALF lead. If you left your seat for any reason at any point during the first half, you missed a Bears score. It was a remarkably dominating performance that saw the Bears covering a 16.5 point spread in the first 8 minutes of play.

The highlight for me was the singing. The folks at Soldier Field cue up the Chicago Bears fight song every time they put points on the board. So after every field goal and following every extra point, the loudspeakers start crackling and buzzing and 60,000 drunk people start singing, "Bear Down...Chicago Bears...put up a fight with a might so fearlessly...Bear Down..." It's enough to produce chills, even if your officially-licensed down jacket is doing its job. We sang that damn song 7 times in the first half, roughly every 11 minutes. I am certain the Niners had it stuck in their heads the whole flight back to San Francisco. I honestly started feeling bad for them and wondered why football doesn't have a slaughter rule.

Fortunately, the Bears took pity on their prey - letting them fly back with a small bit of esteem: The Niners salvaged the second half of the game, winning 10-0 and preventing the Bears from completely trouncing them into oblivion. Next victim: the Miami Dolphins.

Growl.

COUGH! COUGH ! COUGH!

Do you know why people get sick this time of year? It's not because of the cold, damp weather. It's because we share a lot of nasty germs - and one of our favorite ways to share these germs is by covering our mouths when we cough. Yes, it's considered polite to cover your mouth when you cough. But did you know there's a right and a wrong way to do it?

I dare say MOST people do it the wrong way.

This video was developed to demonstrate the difference, and to promote a healthier world through proper cough-covering technique.

BUSH MUST BE LOOKING FOR A JOB

I found his resume on Craig's list.

BOOK WORMS OF THE WORLD UNITE

Looking for a book to read this winter? Someone has compiled a list of 1001 books you should read before you die. That's a lot of page-turning. I was surprised to find I've actually read a few of them. Or, at least I was SUPPOSED to have read them back in college. Cliffs Notes count, right? Drat.

It's broken up by eras so you can get a variety by time period. Check it out here!

THE MIRACLE OF THE MIND

This is friggin' amazing. Here's a movie about a guy who sees numbers everywhere. Part of the movie shows his trip to America to meet the real Rain Man, the autistic savant about whom the movie of the same name was based. Apparently, the real Rain Man can read a whole page of any book in about 8-10 seconds and has a completely photographic memory. He remembers everything he has ever read in his entire life...right down to the last letter or number. It's simply unfathomable what this man's brain can do - a man who was diagnosed as retarded at 12 months.

Anyhow, if you've got 10 minutes to be amazed, watch this short documentary. I found it quite astonishing. I've queued up part 2 for you so you can get to the good stuff. Science is wild...but even more so when it involves mysteries about ourselves.

And when you're done with that one, check out this savant. He didn't speak his first words until he was 5, but he is amazing beyond explanation. He takes a 45 minute helicopter ride over Rome and then is able to draw an accurate aerial view of the entire city. It almost doesn't seem possible.

ACTION!

Everyone who looks at Chicago's Marina Towers for the first time wonders the same thing: How do they get those cars so close to the edge? The tall, round apartment buildings in the heart of River North are actually an open-air parking garage for a third of the way up, and the parking spots go all the way to the edge.

If you've ever wondered what would happen if someone decided to gun it and fly out into the Chicago river from 18 stories up, check this out.

LONG WAY DOWN

Check this shit out. Some ambitious folks are hoping to build the highest man-made structure on earth. Guess where? A glass bridge that spans the Grand Csnyon.

Not for those with a fear of heights.

THE NERVE OF THOSE NIGERIAN SCAM ARTISTS!

I love corresponding with Nigerian Scam Artists. I actually had one turn me down this week, which was a first. Most people delte them, but I LOVE reading those long, drawn-out stories about how they identified ME somehow as the next of kin to some wealthy businessman who was killed in an overseas accident. And how they want to liquidate their estate but have run into some legal problems and need me to claim the money so that we can split my "relative's" millions. I usually respond by describing how excited I am to have received the e-mail and start detailing how I plan to use the money once we have gone through with the transaction. Then I like to start a dialogue and go back and forth for a while until the scammer starts getting frustrated with me, at which point I reveal that I am not who I claimed to be, but instead an undercover agent working with the United Nations task force on internet fraud called Cyberstrike. They never seem to reply to that one!

Anyhow, this week I decided to try a new tactic. When the scammer ran through all of the details and offered me the standard 60/40 split - 60% for him and 40% for me - I decided to counter. I demanded 70% of the estate for helping him out, and then concluded with, 'So - deal or no deal?"

The guy writes back:

"Dear Mr. Fujita - no deal."

Can you believe the nerve of that third world criminal? He's got no room to bargain with me. I'm calling the shots, I told him. After all, I was NEXT OF KIN. He needed me. I was his ticket to fortune. But it was going to cost him.

No deal.

These scam artists are starting to get a little full of themselves, don't you think?

I don't like being told no, so I'm actually thinking about coming down. I'll let you know how it goes.

AGAINST THE LAW SCHOOL

You are not going to believe this shit. The game of Tag has been banned from recess at Willett Elementary School in Attleboro, Massachusetts. Sorry kids...no more, "Tag - you're it!" Someone might get hurt!

But wait, there's more. Also banned is the popular schoolyard pastime of touch football, as well as any other unsupervised games where kids chasing one another may get injured and pose a liability risk to the school. Our nation of laws is beginning to implode as fear of costly litigation squeezes freedom from us one harmless activity after the next.

I don't know about you, but this trend toward sterilizing our kids' physical activities is a little disturbing. We've already got an obesity pandemic in this country - our kids need to be chasing each other MORE, not less. Why would anyone in their right mind think this is a good idea?

"It's a time when accidents can happen," said Willet School Principal Gaylene Heppe. Her new rule is part of a standardized set of playground rules developed to keep kids out of the nurse's office, and the school out of court. Hey Gaylene - you said it, darlin'. ACCIDENTS can happen.

Sadly, this isn't an isolated act. There's apparently a growing movement against the simple schoolyard games you and I played growing up. School administrators around the country started by banning dodgeball, calling it an exclusionary, dangerous game. But kids were not discouraged, and they quickly found other ways to have fun. But this only frustrated those hoping to crush fun in all of its forms, and led to a new round of regulation overkill. Clearly, kids shouldn't be having fun because, as everyone knows, anything that gives you pleasure is bad for you.

This isn't a regional thing, either. In addition to Massachusetts, schools in Cheyenne and Spokane also banned tag at recess this year. It's out of fucking control. One of the primary reasons cited for buckling down on these activities was the avoidance of litigation. School administrators aren't the ones to blame here. They're merely adapting to a dog-sue-dog climate in which everyone's looking for a slice of free pie. Why is it that our reflex as a nation is to sue the moment something happens to us? Do we not understand what it means to forgive? To accept responsibility for our own actions? to understand that the world is a dangerous place and that accidents happen? People get hurt - and it's not always possible to point the finger and say, "YOU...YOU were to blame for this." And how have we decided as a nation that the best way to say "I'm sorry" to someone is with a checkbook?

If kids are chasing one another on the playground, and one of them should fall and scrape a knee, why would any parent reflexively think to sue the the school where the accident occurred? And how are so many administrators learning to fear a generation of such parents? Better safe than sorry, I guess.

The way I see it, these schools, for how ridiculous some of their bullshit schoolyard rules may seem, are only protecting themselves from the growing monster that is unchecked law. Most people have choices, remember. So if parents don't like these pussy-building playground policies, they can try placing their kids in other schools where physical social interaction is encouraged. If every parent did that, these rules would go away. Unfortunately, there are people who will send their kids to these schools BECAUSE they don't let kids play Tag.

[Dr. Rumsfeld asks: How are we going to power our mighty hegemonic war machine in the future if we're raising a nation full of pansies?]

Scary to think how, when I was a kid, I didn't wear a bicycle helmet. I played tackle football in the snowy schoolyard. I didn't even wear a seat belt in the car. There was a different socio-legal climate back then. We didn't feel the need to legislate every aspect of everyday life. People did what they did and lived their lives and every once in a while someone would get hurt, and we'd learn from that - or we wouldn't. And life would go on. Then the media started getting a hold of us - filling us with fear and stuffing numbers down our throats: all reasons to worry. Today there are laws, and rules, and regulations, and guidelines, and codes, and restrictions, and bans on everything. Practically everything you do is legislated in some way - all in the name of protecting us from, ahem, ourselves.

I don't know about you, but I liked things better the way they were. Men were men and so were boys.



Tag.





You're it!

TONGUE TWISTED

DAMN this coffee is strong. I don't understand why. I made it the same way I make it every morning. 10 cups of water in the Krups. One cup of blended kona. I just don't get it.

Unless.

UNLESS.

What if it's not the coffee that's different? What if it's ME? What if my taste buds are suddenly hyper-sensitive? What if I have a superpower I never knew I had? Extreme taste! Yes! And maybe I can use it for good, fighting crime with my extraordinary sense of taste. Folks can call me Flayva Man!

This is gold.

"We've got no leads, detective."

"Bring in that guy. What's his name. Guy with the tongue."

"Flayva Man?"

"Yeah - him. Have him lick this entire room for evidence and let me know what he tastes."

"You got it, detective. Hey Johnson! Get a holda Flayva. No visible clues yet, but I'm betting this place isn't as tasteless as it looks."

LUH-WHO-ZUH-HER

Last week I provided a photo recap of the Bears-Bills game. This week's Bears recap is provided in the form of a link to a clip that is now posted on Wikipedia under references for Arizona Cardinals Head Coach Denny Green. I'm not kidding - history sure gets updated quick these days!

In case you missed his succinct summary of the Monday Night collapse, here it is in a nutshell.

THROWING THE BOMB

Here's some exciting news from the land of terror. A website is claiming that 7 NFL football stadiums will be targeted with radiological dirty bombs this weekend, but don't worry - the government has expressed doubts about the threat.

The warning was posted last week as part of an ongoing Internet conversation creatively titled "New Attack on America Be Afraid." It specifically mentioned NFL stadiums in New York, Miami, Atlanta, Seattle, Houston, Oakland and Cleveland. My first thought was, "Good thing the Bears have a bye this week." (I've actually got tickets to the game the week after next)

The Homeland Security Department has since alerted authorities and stadium owners in those cities, as well as the NFL, of the potential threat, but said that it was being viewed "with strong skepticism." After all, why would terrorists go after teams with a combined record of 13-24? Miami? Cleveland? Houston? Those sporting environments are already polluted enough with poor play - I mean, chances are a dirty bomb wouldn't even be noticed in Oakland.

I personally think there should be a man-law against conducting terrorist activities during NFL operating hours. What do we think - man-law? Launching attacks during NFL games will henceforth be considered a neutral-zone infraction and punishable by 15 yards and a loss of Jihad.

RESTORING CHAOS ONE DAY AT A TIME

JB thinks YouTube was worth every penny Google paid for it, and I'm beginning to see why!

Here's a greatest hits reel Americans can be proud of...

HAIR MANAGEMENT 101

This here's a jam for all the fellas,
Try to do what those ladies tell us...

Yeah, I'm talking about the lesser-known faux-hygienic art of "manscaping." Many of you are not strangers the routine of trimming upper body fur, cutting back the creep of chest hair that pushes like ivy from below your collar line. Some of you may even go so far as to use a straight razor in pulling the hair border back behind your buttons. While these manscaping exercises can make a real aesthetic difference, the girls tell me there are other places we should be directing that blade.

Encroaching back hair, for example, while unavoidable, is entirely manageable. It usually starts as a few stray hairs here and there, which eventually blossom into hair patches over time. For some, these hair patches spread like wildfire until there is complete coverage. And there's nothing you can do about that - it's genetic. But you CAN do something about it once it's there. I find if I do the proper stretching exercises beforehand, I can actually reach most of mine with a disposable razor. Yes, really. Excessive hair on the upper arms and shoulders should also be given your attention if you plan on being outdoors without a shirt - or intimate with someone who might appreciate the added attention to detail. If you can't reach these areas, a little wax treatment can go a long way toward improving your desirability.

Finally, and most importantly, men must become comfortable with the idea of trimming our nether-hedges. It's only fair. If women are expected to keep a tidy hairline down there, we should afford them the same courtesy. It's really not that difficult to do - and the result, I don't mind sharing, is a decidedly more robust-looking package, making the activity a win-win proposition. Here's what you do:

Just grab a fistful of the curly stuff and pull it away from your body. Then run some scissors in the space between and clip. I recommend performing this over a garbage can...and sober. Go ahead and clip it down nice and short. Don't worry - your nuts won't freeze off. Once the excess brush is taken care of, use a straight razor where it makes sense to shape the borders. You could shave the whole thing away if you choose - but that brand of barren manscape is typically reserved for the porno male. I do not recommend the Mr. Clean Machine. But definitely give the rest of that area a good buzz every few weeks - it's easy and relatively safe. I've been doing it for years and have been accident free for most of them.

One final note: Do not ask a barber to trim that up for you.

So there you have it...hair management 101. Your lady will love the new you - you're welcome!

BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Here's an interesting clip. It's a real life Battle of the Album Covers. Thanks to Marky Mark for sharing - who submits that we should not forget to thank drugs for enabling video art of this nature. It's quite creative!

END GAME ON!

North Korea is hosting a nuclear festival and we're all invited! Do you know what you'll be wearing for the big event?

As I'm sure you've been ignoring for the past couple weeks, there's been a nuclear crisis brewing on the Korean peninsula. Hard to get excited about something going on half a world away - but let me tell you, this has the potential to affect everyone.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il has been insane much of his life - and that insanity is peaking at a dangerous time. His country, as you may or may not know, has been insolvent economically since the word "insolvent" was made popular by Social Security and Health Care watchdogs years ago. The country's chief exports are counterfeit cash and military technology. They basically make and sell weapons and cash to whoever will pay for them. And their favorite place to sell is a shady little market on Black Street. Given their penchant for shifty, underworld dealings and a leader known for making mischief, recent reports that they successfully tested a nuclear bomb underground are troubling to say the least - for a multitude of reasons:

1.) First, let's consider the source of this knowledge. The media have proven susceptible time and again to erroneous, fictional reports (reference: Iraq) - so it's important we consider the possibility that these nuclear reports have been fabricated by the CIA, eager to keep hawkish Republican stalwarts in power - remember: the U.S. war machine is in the business of staying in business and is skilled at exploiting mass media for subversive political gain. The more you and I fear the perverse, powerless dictators of corrupt, third world nations, the more power we will turn over to those already in power here. Exhibit A: the erosion of your individual rights...a program brought to you by the Bush Administration, already in progress. I would submit to you that all we have to fear is fear itself - but that's already a matter of public record.

2.) North Korea has stated that sanctions against the rogue nation for nuclear testing are tantamount to a declaration of war. Well, it doesn't take a tenured logician to tell you that the unanimously passed U.N. Security Council resolution imposing sanctions on North Korea is essentially the equivalent of the whole world declaring war on Kim Jong-Il's military cabaret show (love those media-file clips of marching North Korean soliders on the evening news!). If we choose to buy into the North Korean rhetoric, we must acknowledge that we have, as a planet, declared war on that starving nation. So have we or haven't we? They say we have - but most of us missed the memo.

3.) If Illy Jonka DOES have the bomb, what do you suppose he will do with it? Bring it to class for show and tell? Ever since President Bush's private remarks about the 5'3" North Korean leader were made public in Newsweek a few years ago (unflattering, and un-presidentlike to say the least - go look it up!), we've been at the top of their payback (s)hit list. But, North Korea knows it doesn't have to launch a missile toward Hollywood to draw us into a costly conflict overseas. They need only lob a few nukes across the border into South Korea, or in the general direction of the Japanese. The U.S. has stated such an attack would be the equivalent of declaring war against us. So there you have it - everything Kim Jong-Il ever wanted is just a red button away.

4.) Or perhaps a few nuclear suitcases might somehow find their way into the hands of a terrorist. This, of course, is Donald Rumsfeld's "wet dream" scenario - or at least that's the way it appears when he, or Dick Cheney, talks excitedly about it with Tim Russert. Those hard-line war-machine chauffers LOVE the prospect of a nuclear North Korea because it gives the American people someone real to fear. Just as they made us fear Saddam Hussein, who had - count 'em - ZERO weapons of mass destruction, they will make us fear Kim Jong-Il. They are already pushing their talking points on top Republicans, so you can expect a steady stream of fear propaganda in the weeks leading up to the mid-term elections.

5.) Finally, reports of a nuclear bomb detonation by the North Koreans are troubling because that's all they have. That is, presuming they actually have it. (See item #1) There's nothing IN North Korea save cold, barren mountains and millions of starving people suviving on aid shipments. The only two things the government supports over there are the country's robust military and the leader's appetite for the good life. What do you suppose would happen if you raise a dog to fight its entire life by starving it, beating it, and locking it up in a cold, damp basement...and then decide to let it loose in the neighborhood?

It's not all doom and gloom, mind you. There IS a solution to this problem. Are you ready? Kim Jong-Il has a documented fascination with Hollywood. The guy just loves celebrity and the chic V.I.P lifestyle. If we could line up a date with Angelina Jolie (or perhaps he would prefer Ryan Seacrest?), he would abandon his nuclear ambitions in a heartbeat.

But then we'd have to go back to fearing terrorists - and poll numbers reveal that's getting a little stale. Count on the Pentagon and the powers-behind-the-powers that be to stoke the flames of discord in the Far East.

That's what they do best...

BEAR DOWN!

ROOOOAAARRR!

It sure is a great time to be a Chicago Bears fan. I actually tailgated before the game last Sunday and it was WILD. I'd never seen so many motor vehicles and drunk people gathered together in one spot before. There were even girls pushing a shopping cart full of Jell-O shots up and down the rows of parked cars, handing them out to complete strangers. I was told, "They do that every game." I'd been to Bears games before, but had never witnessed firsthand the pre-game debauchery that takes place in the parking lot. I now understand how it is possible that grown men will expose their bare chests in sub-zero weather.



Anyhow - I'm not sure if you caught the Chicago Bears vs. Buffalo Bills game last week, but here's a recap: