AGAINST THE LAW

It has always been my strong belief that, although we are a nation of laws, we have far too many of them. Don’t argue with me – you know it’s true. Do you know how many laws there are on the books? 7.8 billion. Really. Okay, maybe not exactly. But it’s something close to that. We have a LOT of laws. So many, in fact, I’m probably breaking several right now and don’t even know it. And that’s in addition to the laws I KNOW I’m breaking.

Laws should be simple, so regular people can understand them. And irregular people, too. If you need a lawyer to explain a law to you, then the law isn’t really serving its purpose – which is to discourage you from doing something naughty. All today’s confusing, cryptically worded legal creations manage to do is keep lawyers in business – and we have enough idiots filing frivolous lawsuits to do that.

I think the Ten Commandments is a pretty good model. Religious influence aside, those are some pretty clear statements. Thou shalt not kill. Period. That’s it. That’s the law. There’s no “degree” to taking a life. No taking into account how long you may have thought about killing the person before actually going through with it. Killing is killing, and most people agree that, in most cases, it’s a bad thing. Speaking of a bad thing, what about the lost Commandment: Thou shalt not serve pickled eggs to unsuspecting dinner guests without warning. That’s just wrong.

Before I drill down further, let’s take a step back.

Keep going.

One more step.

Okay, good. From here we can really see what laws are all about. It is the basic intention of laws to keep order by telling us, the people, what it is okay and not okay to do. It is then the intention of our justice system to, with the utmost objectivity and fairness, of course, determine whether or not a law as been broken – and then decide what to do in the case that it has been. Some people have quipped that “Laws are made to be broken,” but those are the people your mother wouldn’t let you play with when you were young. Laws are most certainly not made to be broken – they’re made to be obeyed. At least for as long as they make sense. Here are a few actual laws that, for one reason or another, stood out to me as unnecessary. But you be the judge.

In Alabama, boogers may not be flicked into the wind, dominoes may not be played on Sunday, and under no circumstances is it permissible to wear a mustache that causes laughter in church. No joke, my friends – these are REAL laws.

You may not hunt camels in Arizona. In Illinois, if you don’t have at least one dollar on your person you can be arrested for vagrancy. (I’m breaking that one right now!) In Oregon and New Jersey, it’s illegal to pump your own gas. In California, it is illegal for animals to mate within 1,500 feet of tavern, school, or place of worship. There are countless others that I simply don’t have the time or energy to share here. But I think you’re getting my point. For more of this madness, check out this site.

Despite the absurdity and irrelevance of some of these laws, the people who create them are almost always well intended. But our country has become so bloated with statutes we’re drowning in a virtual sea of jurisprudentia. At some point we may want to consider simplifying things so that the legal system stops expanding like government and starts functioning as it was intended: to keep order by making it CLEAR what people can and cannot do. And that’s precisely where I come in. I am good at pretending I know what’s best for everyone and I also happen to have a real talent for naiveté. Think Kevin Kline in the movie “Dave.” These are my thoughts…

Like most people, I have questions. Why are settlements so out of control? Why does it take months and years for anything to get to trial? What’s the deal with appeals? Why do lawyers earn more than teachers? These are intended to be rhetorical questions...I know there are answers, but the point is that we can do better. Donnie Trump wouldn’t stand for bureaucratic inefficiencies of this magnitude. Who do we need to fire? Seems to me we need to start changing the rules a little bit, and in my opinion, it starts at the top.

AYNtK Legal rule #1: A LAW FOR A LAW. Congress shall pass no law without repealing two.

Let’s face it, we’ve got too many laws and regulations on the books, too many of which are simply obsolete or irrelevant. It’s time to start culling things down. We keep adding and adding and adding legislation, language that limits our freedoms and restricts the free market from providing products and services we want…and need. Is all of this regulation really necessary? Law has become the solution to every problem. Every little danger results in a new law. Every new concern brings new regulation to the table. Every perceived inequity inspires legislative debate. While most of it is well intended, we’re strapping our liberty in a straight jacket. So from now on, we don’t add a law without subtracting two. It sounds far-fetched – but is it really?

Consider how we came to have all of these laws in the first place. They’re blown like hot magma from a hyperactive volcano called Mt. Congress. Indeed, Congress is made up of people we call “lawmakers.” And when they’re not spending our tax money buying off foreign governments, deposing evil dictators, building unproven military technologies, and rebuilding other countries at the expense of our own, they’re busily passing laws that restrict our freedom. Don’t smoke in public. Don’t drive with a hand-held cellphone. Don’t crap on the airport’s luggage-return conveyer belt. (That was an awkward day for me) Don’t go here. Don’t do this. Don’t say this to this person if you mean this and you’re doing this. Don’t touch this after this time and before this time. Just don’t do anything dammit!

Please don’t take this the wrong way – or, at the very least, don’t e-mail me about it if you do. While proposing a major cleansing of our law books, I’m certainly not in favor of a lawless society. I just think we, as a society, tend to overreact sometimes in our zeal to address every niche concern – and the stock solution has been to create a new law. As a result, we’ve ended up with an increasingly complicated collection of rules that are hard to understand, harder to follow, impossible to enforce, and easy to manipulate if you’ve got enough MONEY earmarked for legal fees.

That’s right – I just played the money card. Dammit. Now I have to bitch about that, too. This is going to be long fucking post. Oh well – you’ll make time because you love me. You made it this far, didn’t you?

So let’s talk about money for a second. Aside from the superfluity of laws out there, the other big problem with our justice system is that, ironically, it’s not fair at all. You don’t need the law on your side to win a case – you need money. It helps to have the law on your side, but even if you’re clearly in the wrong, you can buy yourself a settlement, a verdict, or in rare cases, a jury…provided you’ve got enough green. Justice isn’t colorblind.

So that’s how it goes down day after day in the courtrooms of America. If you got the dough, you run the show. This is the case because, with money, you can afford to buy a better legal team. A dream team. A team that seldom loses because it knows how to work the system. It knows how to bend a jury. It knows how to leverage technicalities. Culpability is an afterthought these days – law is about who can play the game better, and who can PAY to play the game better.

Consider this. What if, in a stroke of absolute objectivity and fairness, ALL legal representation were decided by a blind draw? You and I could suddenly afford Johnny fucking Cochrane, while the Tyco execs get stuck with the new guy, Stu Pidasse. Our capitalist culture would never allow for it, but think about how quickly the field would level. Why should money dictate how well we are represented before the law? The justice system is supposed to promote fairness – but how fair is it that the quality of your case depends largely upon who you can AFFORD to argue it for you? Our free market system works great if you’re buying a can of Chunky soup or a new pair of Levi’s – but do people who have a lot of money really deserve better legal representation? Don’t answer that, Father Warbucks.

This is perhaps what I detest most about our legal system: Its vast subjectivity has made lawyers more important than the laws. Everything is so open to interpretation, you can argue pretty much anything you want. A creative lawyer with a talent for spin can almost always find ways to bend the meaning of a law to their liking. There’s always an angle. A chink in the armor. An Achilles’ heel. Here’s how.

Laws are documented in writing. Writing requires the use of language, and is therefore subject to the limitations of language. Now language has many components to it. Believe it or not, I actually took a course on language in college and was surprised how complex an animal it is. (Yes, I went to college - it was a long 7 years) Fortunately, a little something called grammar allows us to study its various components. There’s syntax, for example, which is the construction of words into coherent thoughts. This is more or less about getting words put together in the right order. Then there’s Lexis, which is about choosing the RIGHT words. The larger your lexicon, or vocabulary, the better you’ll be able to select the right words in forming meaningful sentences, written and spoken. And then there’s Semantics, which is the study of meaning. It’s this last one that wreaks havoc on the law.

There was a time when lawyers would take cases based on whether a case had legal merit. But more and more, lawyers are taking cases based on whether the case has money in it. They can afford to do this because, more and more, law is becoming about semantics. In other words, you can deconstruct a law word by word and argue its interpretation. Perhaps the most famous example of Semantic Dissection was when President Clinton was questioned about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky and he made the famous declaration that his answer would depend on what the intended meaning of the word “is” was.

Are the laws so poorly written that we need to parse their precise intention in this way? Actually, they are. Which brings us right back to the beginning. I think laws should be simple, so regular people can understand them. If lawyers are able to semantically reconstruct the meaning of a law in making their case, then the law clearly isn’t clear enough.

AYNtK Legal rule #2: K.I.S.S. A written law may not exceed 10 words.

Let’s keep it simple. Okay, 10 words may be a little unrealistic. But the point here is to write (and rewrite!) laws in the simplest terms, so they can easily recited by third graders. All of the riders and exceptions and additions create confusion and enable more semantic reconstruction. We’ve managed to dumb down everything else in society to serve the “lowest common denominator,” why can’t we do that with our legalese?

That’s a rhetorical question I think I’ll answer anyway: because a simple, efficient, easy-to-understand legal system would put a lot of smart people out of work.

Then again, we COULD use a few more teachers…

SPAM HUMOR FOR YOU

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

SPACEMAKERS

Did you hear about the new reality program coming out in the UK? It’s called Space Cadets and it’s being billed as the biggest hoax in television history.

The makers of Big Brother have reportedly persuaded a group of British adventure seekers to take a trip into outer space – only they’re not really being blasted into space. The entire experience will be simulated on the ground, inside an elaborate film studio, so that the participants believe they’re actually out in space!

Nine people will be selected to blast into the final frontier, and the show will document their preparation as they undergo intensive training in “Russia,” which will actually be an old airbase in the UK. When it comes time to make the great leap into space, their shuttle will be the very same Hollywood contraption built for the film Space Cowboys. And a giant screen just outside the shuttle will provide the illusion of a journey into space. An authentic launch sound has been created by a Hollywood sound specialist, and the mock craft has been mechanically outfitted to tip and rock during lift off and throughout the “voyage.”

Worried that some participants might catch on, three actors will be on board to help facilitate the illusion and provide feedback should the amateur astronauts become suspicious. Now THAT'S entertainment!

I can’t wait for the American version – Survivor: Lunar Edition.

Probst: “16 blastaways stranded on the moon have to learn to live together while forging a whole new civilization from scratch…with no food, no water, and for the first time ever, NO AIR! For 39 days they’ll bounce around in 1/6th gravity, facing tough new reward challenges as they compete for one million dollars and the title of sole survivor! Get ready, because the countdown to orbital council starts right now – 4…3…2…1” [LOAD INTRO]

CUT THE BIG CHEESE

Rick Wagoner, chairman and CEO of General Motors Corporation, announced plans today to cut 30,000 manufacturing jobs and close nine North American facilities by 2008.

Wagoner was captured in this photo estimating how bad he feels about it.





Here Wagoner estimates the size of the turkey his family will be enjoying on Thanksgiving Day while 30,000 former employees are out hunting for new jobs.

Gobble gobble.

THE CHRISTMAS COW

The holiday shopping season is in full swing and the major credit card companies have jumped into the fray. Have you seen their latest gift idea? Visa’s offering one now and American Express has been promoting theirs pretty hard. It’s a pre-loaded credit gift card. Their value proposition is that the credit card works just like a gift card, but you can use it anywhere! Wow – what a brilliant fucking idea. A gift card that works at ANY store. That’s amazing.

Wait a second. Don’t they already have something like that? Oh yeah. I think it’s called CASH.

But cash as a holiday gift gets a bad rap because it can be perceived as thoughtless and uninspired. The appeal of the gift card is that it lets people take the easy way out of having to choose a gift for someone, without entirely removing thoughtfulness from the exercise. By giving someone a Borders gift card, you’re essentially saying, “I think you like to read, but I don’t have the time or the balls to pick something out for you.”

Of course, it’s always spun as a positive:

“This way I figured you could pick out whatever you want.”

See? How THOUGHTFUL.

But the proof is in the pudding. Gift cards have been wildly successful because people LIKE gift cards. They're easy. Plus, we LIKE being able to pick out the things we want instead of having someone else presume to know what we want. And do you know who REALLY loves gift cards? Retailers. They save a fortune every year in unused cards. Shit – I’ve still got gift cards in my wallet from LAST Christmas. That’s money that went directly into the bank accounts of big businesses in exchange for future purchases that were never made. And by the time I actually use them, prices will have risen and I won’t be able to get as much product as I would have a year ago when the cards were originally purchased.

If you've been post-holiday shopping for years, you may have noticed a trend. The number of post-holiday sale events have significantly decreased. There was a time when malls were packed post-holidays with people shopping for deals. Retailers customarily dropped prices after the holidays to keep traffic coming at a time when consumers felt financially tapped out. Not anymore. That's because we've entered the age of gift cards. If retailers drop prices, they'll be giving away more product when people use their gift cards. That's why, instead of using them right after the holidays, it's now better to wait a month or two.

I don't mean to badmouth gift cards here - heaven knows I've given out and appreciated receiving my share of them over the last decade. And I’m certainly not suggesting gift cards are a racket – they’re just good for business. And if they're good for business, they're good for the economy, which is good for people looking for work, which is good for boosting employment figures, which is good for putting money in peoples' pockets, which is, in turn, good for business. Ah, the wonders of capitalism.

I guess that explains why the credit card companies are finally getting into gift card the act. They’re banking on the fact that if they can talk people into giving out plastic cards as gifts instead of cash, people will lose or forget to use their cards and they’ll make out like bandidos.

So my advice to you this holiday shopping season is to resist the urge to buy preloaded credit cards as a holiday gifts. Especially considering I am more than happy to accept cash.

Thanks in advance!

MAKING CONVERSATION

A guy I work with told me the other day that if he didn’t complain he’d have nothing to say. And that got me thinking – do I complain a lot? I like to think I don’t, but a further analysis of my conversations has revealed that I bitch incessantly. And here’s some news – you’re a whiner, too.

Think about it. There are only so many things worth talking about. The old stand-by was, is, and forever will be “the weather.” That's because the weather is something we all have in common, and it’s also one of the two things in life over which we have absolutely no control, so you can bitch about it freely without blaming anyone.

But once we’re done talking about the weather, what else is there to say? As a courtesy, we've adopted the custom of asking one another how we're doing. Regardless of how I feel, I usually say I’m good – which isn’t entirely a lie, but not entirely the truth, either. It’s just that I know people don’t want me to tell them how I REALLY am, because that would involve a litany of pointless complaints.

“Fine, thanks. Well, actually, I’m not doing so great. My property taxes doubled, I’ve got an escrow shortage, my condo assessments are on the rise, business has been slow, my car is acting up on me, I’ve got a bad cough, the White Sox won the World Series, and I just got the worst haircut of my life. How have YOU been?”

The fact is, no one wants to hear that shit because we’ve ALL got problems. And, of course, we all think our problems are the worst. Ah, the ultimate relativity of distress. By the same token, no one wants to hear how GREAT someone else is doing, either. If there’s anything worse than a chronic complainer, it’s a person who couldn’t be doing any better.

“I’m fantabuliffic! Things could not be going better. My property taxes went down, an uncle I didn’t even know existed left me $43,000 in his will, a publisher contacted me out of the blue for a book deal, that mysterious lump I found turned out to be a golden testicle – I’m having it removed next week – I just got a massive raise and promotion, won 6 tickets to the Super Bowl, my doctor says I’ve got the cholesterol level of a Japanese fisherman, and my dick seems to have gotten bigger. Can you believe that shit? So, how are YOU?”

People like that suck. The truth is, life is hard work and is full of disappointment. We worry about our health, our finances, our jobs, our loved ones…and so much more…day after painful day. We’re under the stress of so many commitments and obligations, it’s a miracle any of us ever find the time to sit back and reflect upon how amazingly wonderful it is to JUST BE ALIVE. But we’re all lottery winners in that regard. We’re here – fortunate enough to have shit to bitch about day after day.

So, yeah – my taxes doubled. That sucked. But I’m still breathing. And yeah, business isn’t what it could be. But I’m still breathing. And yeah, this is the worst haircut I’ve ever had. But I’m still breathing.

Basically, life is good. So if you hear me complaining, don’t let it get to you. I’m just making conversation.

A LINK TO YOUR PAST

Here’s an oldie but a goodie!

Enjoy…

THE FINAL CUT

Have you ever had a really bad haircut? Me neither.

Okay, I KNOW you’re lying – and so am I. I mean, just look at me. This is fucking ridiculous. I can’t believe I paid someone money to do this to my head. Stevie Wonder could’ve given me a better cut with a pair of garden shears. Drunk. Speaking of Wonder, I wonder if he ever drinks himself half blind. [gratuitous rim shot]

So I waited and waited and waited to get a haircut. And day after day, Geri would politely remind me by asking, “So when are you going to get a haircut? You could always go this afternoon. How about tomorrow then? Will Friday work?” And I would shrug it off – “I know. I know. It’s getting shaggy. I really need to go.”

On Saturday, I finally went. But for some reason there was a run on the barber shop that day. People must want to look their best for the apocalypse (I hear it is nearing). As I stepped up to the front door I noticed there were 4 people seated in the waiting area…all patiently reading day-old newspapers. My well-kept secret was out – the Russian immigrant I’d discovered down the street from my apartment took a lot of pride in his work, and it showed. For $20 (after tip!), he’d give you a clean, crisp cut every time...without taking, or talking, your ear off.

On any another day I might have pulled up a stool and waited for his reliable services. But I had places to go and people see that day. So after waiting and waiting for weeks to get a haircut, I chose not to wait just one more hour. I got in my car and drove uptown to one of those fast-food haircut joints where they fleece folks like sheep for $10 a pop.

I eagerly took a seat in the chair of a slow-moving, older lady who I was certain moonlighted as a tarot card reader. She had a thick accent I couldn’t place and a pleasant, if unhurried, way about her. I felt comfortable in her care, assuming she’d been cutting hair for boys of her own for decades.

Oh, the horror that followed.

I watched on in helpless agony as she began chopping away at my dark brown dome, her clipping fingers weaving up and down randomly like drunk butterflies, slivers of hair shooting like sparks from my scalp. I wanted to stop the madness, but she was the professional, I thought. I decided to close my eyes, relax, and give her experienced eye the benefit of the doubt.

10 minutes later I opened my eyes to a whole new me: one who looked like a lobotomy addict. I smiled graciously and thanked her for the cut, eager to get home and patch things up with some hair gel.

But this was wishful thinking, it turned out, as she’d left me with disturbingly little to work with. There wasn’t any hair left to direct with the gel – and what WAS left was not in good shape. I envisioned a stoned high school kid “mowing” the lawn with a broken weedwacker, leaving patches of dirt in between tufts of thick, uncut bluegrass. Yeah - it's THAT bad. I then remembered Geri's five year old son enthusiastically offering to give me a haircut just a week ago. In hindsight, I should have taken him up on it. Would've saved a little money, anyway. (But not much - ever since discovering the value of money, he's been driving some pretty hard bargains).

Anyhow...here I sit at work, just hours before a client meeting, wondering if the partners will mind me wearing a golf visor during the presentation. I am a “creative,” after all. It'll be part of my schtick.

Here's the photo you nosy people keep clamoring for. Go ahead - make your jokes. It'll grow out...eventually.

WHITE MEN CAN JUMP

We're just not very good at it.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

So I'm watching Survivor here, enjoying a couple of pan-fried pork chops, when the CBS channel 2 news center catches my attention during a commercial break. I shit you not, this is what I hear:

"Why hundreds of thousands of chicagoland residents are being told to have their tap water tested immediately. Could you be one? Find out tonight at ten."

Excuse me? If hundreds of thousands of people need to check their tap water immediately, shouldn't you tell us who they are immediately?? What's this "find out at 10" horseshit? I hate these fucking scare tactics news programs use to lure us in. I'm hitting the sink right now and downing as much tap water as my belly can hold in the hope I get deathly ill so I can sue the shit out of CBS Channel 2 for withholding vital public health safety information.

Bastards.

FOR SPORTS AND GIGGLES

Thanks to Dr. Barnyard Friend for this hilarious spoof of ESPN.com . The Dickie V column is a fucking scream. Be sure to check out the mock stories on the right side. WNBA Player Suspended For Not Being Gay.

Fanfuckingtastic!

OUT OF SERVICE

One of the big knocks against big businesses is that they can’t provide the same level of customer service as the mom and pop shops. It’s just hard for a faceless corporate entity to give you the same personal attention as your friendly, neighborhood boutique down the street. But things are definitely changing, my friends. Here’s an example…

I routinely order my contact lenses through the online service 1-800 Contacts and have never had a problem. My last order, however, was taking a bit long to arrive, so I called to check on the status of my delivery. The customer representative on the phone politely acquiesced that my shipment should have arrived long ago and agreed to send out another shipment of $210 contacts absolutely free. She then told me that if the original ones should arrive at some point, I should just send those back. But, of course, we both knew that was code for, “If the original ones show up at some point, keep those, too.”

A week later I received a hand-written apology by that very same customer rep. She’d included a coupon for money off my next order. All because my package had been lost in the mail – it wasn’t even their fault! But they valued me as a customer and wanted to keep me happy. Now THAT’S service.

By contrast, here’s an experience I just had with the friendly dry cleaner located in my building. The shop is very small and always staffed by the same, polite Korean woman who not only remembers me, but remembers my name and unit number. Last week I brought in 7 button-down dress shirts to be laundered with light starch. I dropped them off on Monday and she told me they would be ready on Wednesday, which was a little longer than usual for laundry – but I was in no hurry, so whatever.

I returned that Friday to pick up my shirts. She saw me walk in and immediately went to the rack. I waited patiently while her mechanical closet spun full wardrobes of plastic-covered suits, shirts, dresses, and coats past us. She ran the motor for awhile, checked a few tags here and there, stopped and started the machine over and again, moved the line forward and reverse, and finally started digging through the clothes as they went by. You can probably guess what happens next. Mine were missing.

After an uncomfortable five minutes, she finally gave up and told me they were lost and that she’d have to call me back. Good thing I gave them a couple of extra days, I thought.

An hour later she called me at work to let me know that my shirts had been located, but were not laundered. “You come Monday,” she said. I wasn’t sure if she was asking me or telling me, but I realized I didn’t really have a choice, so I agreed. At least I’d get a discount, I thought.

I went back in this week to pick up my shirts and, as usual, she remembered me right away. After apologizing profusely for the delay, she proceeded to ring me up for the full price. I probably could have negotiated a discount of some kind, but I knew the mistake had been unintentional and was just glad to have my shirts back. I paid her the full amount and left.

On the way to the car I looked at the shirts and realized one of them wasn’t mine. So I headed right back in and told her one of the shirts did not belong to me. One was still missing. She showed me two other shirts on a nearby rack and asked if either one was mine. They were not. She asked my size, then took one of the shirts off the rack and told me it was mine. “You take shirt,” she said. Certain it was not my shirt, I declined. She insisted. “Maybe you take shirt and see if fit.” At this point I understood everything. She was offering me someone else’s shirt to replace the one she had lost. Aside from the fact that it would have been loose on Marlon Brando, it was simply wrong. She was running her dry cleaning business like a community closet.

“This is not my shirt,” I said. “Mine was white.” I then pictured her offering up and giving away my white shirt to the last guy who lost one. She apologetically jotted my phone number down and told me she’d look for it and give me a call back.

This morning I put on one of the shirts (that was actually mine) and noticed a button had disintegrated somehow to a fragmented little nub. Not only had they misplaced my shirts, forgot to wash them, delivered them late, charged me full price anyway, lost an entire shirt and tried to replace it with a tablecloth – they’d now fractured a button, rendering it unwearable.

That was the last straw. I dug through the trunk of my car for an empty gas can and marched over to the dry cleaner. I barged in angrily, startling a couple of patrons, and sending a set of door chimes flying across the tiny room. The gas can in one hand and a book of matches in the other, I stared across the counter and uttered: “You burned me, now I burn you.” Everyone scrambled in a panic as I began…

And then I woke up and realized I hadn’t really set flame to the dry cleaners. That was the good news. The bad news was that the rest of the story was true. Funny how a big company like 1-800-Contacts could provide better customer service than my friendly neighborhood dry cleaner. It just goes to show that companies, like people, should be judged individually, on their own merits, and not as a function of blind assumption.

And I still haven't heard back from the dry cleaner.

INFORMATION HIGHWAY ROBBERY

I don’t like this one AT ALL. My dad sent me this link yesterday. It’s a website that will let anyone in the world have a peek at your driver’s license, including all of the information which may be on it! I was shocked that this kind of sensitive information has been made public. I strongly encourage all of you to have your license removed from the database.

For your convenience, I’ve included the link to the site here. Just enter your name, city, state, and ZIP to see if yours is on file. If it is, click on the “Please Remove” tab and then search for it again to make sure it has been removed.

You’re welcome.

COOL BEANS

I finally got them to switch to regular coffee here at work.

I can feel it inspiring me to do something great. Just not sure what. All I can say for certain is that my bowels definitely approve of the move, so to speak.

BUZZ NUGGETS

Here’s some more of my handiwork, because I know you people are interested. It's a little work I did for a company that claims to manufacture the only confection of its kind made in America – a bite-sized piece of chocolate filled with real espresso. They didn’t have a name for it, so I was put to the task of coming up with something sweet (pun forced). I came up with scores of options to choose from – in the end, a focus group helped us select Espresso Secrets.

My personal recommendation was to market them on college campuses as “Buzz Nuggets” with the tagline "Good to go." As is so often the case in my life, no one took me seriously.

Anyhow, a year and a half later they finally got around to producing the damn things and I was proud to see they’re still using my copy to promote them. I actually had a couple and must admit they were tasty. Is it time for a coffee break?

JOWLING BALL

Proof that cyberspace can be wasted.

SAY UNCLE SAM!

President Bush, speaking at a news conference with Panamanian President Martin Torrijos, defended U.S. interrogation practices this week, insisting forcefully that "We do not torture."

Bush obviously hasn't seen Deuce Bigalow 2. Hollywood promotes cultural agony worldwide as a matter of habit. I can hear the whimpering voices of international passengers on trans-oceanic flights right now: "Please, please, I beg you - make it stop. Make it STOP!"

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST

" I love sleep...It's when I'm awake that my life falls apart."

~Ernest Hemingway

SWOON SONG

Here’s a site that makes Astrology fun. Check on compatibility, get daily horoscopes, or find out all about yourself. They've also got this handy dream interpreter that tells you all about your dreams, including a forecast for things to come. Even keep an online dream diary that logs all of your dreams for future reference. I had a dream last night that I was drafted by the military, forgot my asthma medication, and missed the bus. I chased down the bus only to discover it was the wrong one. Not a great dream, really, but at least it wasn't my usual episode of burning and drowning at the same time. Anyhow, it's definitely worth a few minutes next time you need to take a brain break at work. They've even got a special category for dreams about Tori Spelling. I don't know what that says about us as a people, but it can't be good.

TUBES & TUBERS

Thanks to cindy and steve, my windy city neighbors:

Terry,

Thought you might this:

POTATO LAUNCHER

He can shoot a potato farther than 500 feet. Hey, it's something to do at a pig roast!

************

Believe it or not, my good friend Dr. Faber actually had one of these bad boys and I saw it in action a couple years ago on our annual camping trip. It's as fun as it is dangerous!

THE CASE OF THE STICKY BUNS

When the urge to take a monster dump struck Bob Dougherty, 57, in the middle of his trip to Home Depot, he couldn’t have imagined it would go down like this.

Bob hastily stepped into the bathroom of his Home Depot in Boulder, Colorado, expecting your average everyday defacatory experience. What he got instead was stuck to the toilet seat. That’s because some ingenious prankster thought it would be a good idea to line the seat with superglue. [Warning: Do not try this at home]

According to the lawsuit filed last Friday, Bob, who was recovering from heart bypass surgery at the time, thought he was having a heart attack when he couldn’t lift himself off the pot. He immediately started calling for help but no one came to his rescue. Would YOU respond to pleas from a man in a restroom at a Home Depot claiming to be stuck to a toilet seat? Really? You would? Me too.

Anyhow, a store employee heard him calling and informed the head clerk by radio, but the head clerk believed it was a hoax. Bob spent 15 minutes on the throne before the paramedics were finally called in. The seat had to be unbolted from the porcelain commode and Bob had to be wheeled out of the store with it firmly fastened to his backside. The seat was later removed, leaving abrasions on his arse. Sounds like an episode of Nip/Tuck to me.

Bob said he doesn’t blame Home Depot, but he IS upset he was left sitting in the bathroom for 15 minutes while calling for help, hence the lawsuit.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bob was the victim of a criminal act. There’s no doubt about it. He went through a lot of pain, discomfort, and humiliation that day. But, unfortunately, not all criminals get caught. We can’t just go around awarding damages to victims because we feel bad for them. Home Depot was not to blame here, nor were its employees. The assmuncher who cemented Bob’s cheeks to the seat is the guilty party. He’s the fucknut we really need to get our hands on. Punishing Home Depot by awarding compensation to Bob for a sticky bun incident wouldn’t be an act of justice. Is Home Depot expected to hire bathroom monitors at all of its store locations to prevent future such incidents? Is McDonald’s for that matter? Or Starbucks? The fact is, you can’t prevent idiot pranksters from performing random acts of havoc like this. Sometimes you can catch them and prosecute them. But when you don’t catch them, you don’t pass the blame to the next person in line. I feel for Bob – I really do. But my decision is for the defendant. Case dismissed.

HALLOWEEN DREAMS

Geri and I only had a few minutes to throw together our Halloween costumes this year before trick or treating for drinks, so this is the best we could come up with.

With scissors and glue, we manufactured our own Chicago Cubs World Champion shirts. Surprisingly, our "costumes" ended up being a hit. People liked them because they were original and conceptual: Geri was "in denial" and I was "dreaming." WE liked them because they cost $10 and took 10 minutes to make. Plus, we got to deface a perfectly good White Sox t-shirt in the process.

Oh yeah...and I also got to wear my pajama bottoms to the bar. You really ought to try that some time - it's a whole different world out there when you're in your PJs.

MIND GAMES

Here’s a link that ought to keep you occupied a while .

UNFAIR AND OFF BALANCE

A few years ago I discovered something called the Fox News Channel. I was immediately drawn to its colorful, sensational presentation, and soon found I was preferring it to the comparably uninspired approach of other news networks. Fox had character…and I liked that.

The flashy Fox formula was soon duplicated by MSNBC and CNN, but there was still something I found appealing about Fox. It just seemed easier to digest somehow. My tastes have since changed, however, after having taken a closer look at how they cook their "news."

It didn’t dawn on me for quite some time that if you have to keep telling people you’re “fair and balanced,” chances are you’re probably not. Yet they drilled that message home over and over again, every chance they got, and with pleasant authority like a hypnotist telling me to relax. And every morning I’d watch the talking heads on Fox spew forth commentary disguised as news. I’d listen to carefully selected experts cite suspect and often refutable statistics in defense of their points of view. I’d see guests offering alternative perspectives berated and belittled in a hostile public forum. I actually started resenting the very news presentation I’d come to prefer.

I began to note how, behind all the fancy graphics and quick-hit breaking news alerts, there was an unmistakable undercurrent that pulled strongly right. I actually found myself laughing aloud at the ludicrous opinions offered up as articles of rational thought. These people are insane, I’d think, if they honestly believe some of the things coming out of their mouths. The Fox News Channel was about as fair and balanced as 24 hours of Tucker Carlson debating with a stuffed bear (an argument I’m not so sure he’d win, incidentally). More frightening than that was the fact that people actually watched this shit. And I was one of those people!

Morning and night, the Fox News Channel beat down its cable news competitors. And people loved the one-sided approach to news for the same reason they tuned in to hear Rush Limbaugh vomit diarrhea into a microphone every afternoon – because when you tell people how to think, they don’t have to think for themselves. And the presentation of opinion as fact is a clever means of telling people how to think without telling them you’re telling them how to think. Further, they actually think they’re thinking for themselves! Not only that, but then these brainwashed disciples go out into the world and spread a gospel of nonsense like fertilizer on artificial turf – making a big, stinkin’ counterproductive mess.

I don’t know where to get my news these days. All the cable news networks seem to have gone sensationalist on me. I guess that’s why I take such pleasure in making up my own news, not unlike the wizard who put together this entertaining collection of faux Fox News Channel reports .

Good shit, y'all.

QUICK QUESTION

Does anyone know offhand if it is illegal to mail soiled toilet paper? I'm writing a letter to the CEO of Exxon Mobil and I need to know whether to include a return address.

DUNKIN' DONUTS WITH SHAKA BAWA

The set-up:

I recently saw a nightly news program segment warning people against the many Internet scams coming out of Nigeria, where scam artists with only a rough grasp of the English language are somehow talking “greedy” Americans into sharing their person banking information.

After receiving one such scam e-mail, I decided to have a little fun with the bandit on the other end. What follows is the complete, unedited conversation I had with an enterprising gentleman named Shaka Bawa.


****************The Original Scam E-mail*****************

FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION.

COULD YOU PLEASE CONSIDER TO HELP ME TO RELOCATE THIS SUM OF TEN MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS(US$10.5m) TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR ESTABLISHING A MEDIUM SIZE INDUSTRY IN YOUR COUNTRY.

THE SAID 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS WAS DEPOSITED IN OUR SECURITY COMPANY BY MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER,A GERMAN CITIZEN WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH IN 2000.WE HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY TO COME FORWARD FOR CLAIMS BUT COULD NOT SUCCEED.WE DISCORVERED THAT THE LATE GERMAN DIED ALONG SIDE WITH HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN WHO SUPPOSED TO BE HIS NEXT OF KIN.

CLICK HERE(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm)

I WILL GIVE YOU ALL VITAL INFORMATION CONCERNING THE GERMAN AND THE 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS IN OUR CUSTODY SO THAT YOU WILL CONTACT OUR COMPANY FOR THEM TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU.YOU CAN COME HERE IN PERSON OR YOU CAN REQUEST THE COMPANY TO SHIP THE FUNDS TO YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY DIPLOMATICALY.

I AM A MANAGER IN THIS COMPANY,I WILL PLAY A ROLE TO MAKE SURE THAT THE 10.5 MILLION DOLLARS IS RELEASED TO YOU.AS SOON AS I RECIEVE YOUR REPLY,I WILL GIVE YOU A DRAFT APPLICATION WHICH YOU WILL FORWARD TO OUR COMPANY.REPLY AND LET ME KNOW YOUR FULL NAME,AGE,ADDRESS,OCCUPATION,YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS IF AVALIABLE.

I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.

MR.BAWA.


****************My Initial Response*****************

Mr. Bawa,

Please help me understand what you would like for me to do. I do not understand your request.

Thomas Mann



****************Shaka Bawa's Response*****************


Dear Thomas Mann,
It is my pleasure to reply the mail which you send to me.thank you for your kind interest to help me.

my assurance to you is that i am a manager in this company.i am responsible to review any application concerning this claim and give recommendations to the company to release the fund to the person.meaning that your application is coming directly to my department and i will give you all the information about the late customer which the company will require from you as proof that you know the late customer.

i am contacting you for this business considering the fact that you are a foreigner.the deceased person is also a foreigner,the company where i work will consider a foreign application.

what i want you to do now is to apply as a business associate to the late customer and request the company to release the funds and ship to you in your destination or any nearby destination.i will draft the application for you and you will fill it and send to the company through the company email address which i will provide.i will send the draft application to you as soon as you reply this mail.

The company will ask you some questions concerning the late customer to know if you can give correct information about the late customer.you will forward the questions to me and i will give you the correct answers for you to give to the company for approval.

as soon as you recieve the 10.5 million dollars,both of us will discuss on how to build an ultra model clinic in your country or anywhere else.or we may choose to invest the money in any other lucrative business.be assured i am 100% behind the success of this business.always follow my instructions.

thank you for your understanding.my tel.number is +226 78 86 76 47.give me a call.i want to hear your voice.get back to me as soon as posible.my kind regards.

Bawa.



****************My Eager Reply*****************



Thank you, Bawa, for your response. I am eager to assist you with regard to this opportunity. I cannot call you, however, as I am at work and the number you have provided is not toll-free. But if you will send the draft application, I will be most happy to provide the information necessary to complete the transaction.

I have another question. Will I be able to use the money to start my own Dunkin Donuts franchise here in my home town? We love donuts here and do not currently have a place that makes them fresh daily. Dunkin Donuts also has 9 flavors of coffee now and my wife thinks that a Dunkin Donuts on Beech Street would make a lot of money. Do you think this is possible or do we have to use it all to build an “ultra model clinic”? Because if this is the case, I will need you to explain to me what an ultra model clinic is. Does it involve flash photography? I take very good pictures, if so.

Okay, then. Thanks for your response. I look forward to receiving the draft application and your answers.

Thomas Mann



****************Shaka Bawa's Courteous Response*****************



Dear Thomas Mann,

i thank you so much for your prompt responds to my mail. i am writing to answer the few questions that you ask in regards to the business at hand.

your idea in the Dunkin Donuts franchise is duely wellcomed. we can not invest all the money in the hospital project. i only suggested the hospital project, it does not mean that we must build a hospital.

you knows your country more than i do, you are in the best position to know what nature of investment that can be lucrative there in your country.

in my opinion,the Dunkin Donuts franchise business should be number one.we can decide to invest part of the money in any other business that will yield profit.

ultra modern hospital simply means a modern hospital.it does not require photographs.i use the word ultra modern to qualify the type of hospital i needed.it is not compulsory that we must build a hospital.let us invest in any project that will help us.

i have drafted the application for you.fill it and send to the company and get back to me.extend my greetings to your beloved wife.my wife sent her regards to your family.
my kind and profond regards.

Bawa.



****************My Playful Reply*****************


Dear Bawa,

Thank you for clarifying the projects we would like to be building. I agree that a Dunkin Donuts is more important than a hospital and we should immediately begin the processes of building one on Beech Street in my neighborhood. They also serve croissant breakfast sandwiches that are very good and I would hope that one day you will come and try one. You will not be disappointed. The croissants are light and buttery to taste, and ultra delicious. My wife thinks that hospitals are a big scam in this country anyway because their prices are not for regular people like you and me, but for the greedy insurance companies instead. So let us build an ultra modern Dunkin Donuts instead and make a lot of money selling breakfast food to busy people!

I see you have also sent an e-mail with the application. Let me review it with my wife and see if we have any more questions.

Sincerely,

Thomas Mann



****************Shaka Bawa's Application E-Mail*****************



FILL THE BELOW APPLICATION AND EMAIL IT TO THE COMPANY. CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY AS SOON AS YOU SEND IT.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THE COMPANY EMAIL ADDRESS IS


sec_guard_company@yahoo.com

or

securityguardbf@fsmail.net


THE TEXT OF APPLICATION.

ATTN.DR.BUKALA WOKOH.
THE DIRECTOR,GLOBAL SECURITY GUARD COMPANY,
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.

SIR,
APPLICATION OF INHERITANCE
I AM THE COUSIN/BUSINESS PARTNER TO YOUR DECEACED CUSTOMER MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH IN 2000.APART FROM BEING MY COUSIN,WE ARE ALSO ENGAGED IN REAL ESTATE/PROPERTY MANAGEMENT TOGETHER WITH EXPORTATION OF SOLID MINERALS.
MR.ANDREAS SCHRANNER HOLDS THE ACCOUNT NUMBER GSGCBF/GBX89.I HEREBY SOLICIT FOR THE RELEASE OF HIS US$10.5 MILLION DOLLARS FROM THE ABOVE MENTIONED ACCOUNT AND ALSO SHIP THE SAME TO ME USING THE BELOW INFORMATION.


NAME......................

AGE.......................

OCCUPATION................

ADDRESS........................

TELEPHONE NO.................


I WISH MY APPLICATION BE GIVEN AN URGENT ATTENTION.ACCEPT MY APOLOGY FOR THE LATE APPLICATION.IT WAS DUE TO SOME LOGISTIC PROBLEMS WHICH HAVE BEEN REGULATED RECENTLY.
THANKING YOU FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION.
YOURS FAITHFULY,

Bawa



****************My Concerned Reply*****************



Bawa,

We have reviewed the application and my wife is now telling me that we need more information from you before we move forward. She says she feels uncomfortable doing business with someone she barely knows. I do not share her concerns because I trust the good in all people, but because I love her very much I need to ask you a few questions before completing the application.

She would like to know your name, age, and occupation. And so that she feels she knows you better, she would like to know your favorite color, favorite leisure activity, and the names of any pets you may have at home. We have two pet cats named Sallie Mae and Freddie Mac, and a parakeet named Maxwell Smart. I know this sounds very silly, but I think it will help my wife feel more comfortable doing business with someone she has never met.

I look forward to making many donuts with you,

Thomas Mann



****************Shaka Bawa's Polite Response*****************



Dear Thomas Mann,
i thank you so much for your prompt responds.i am writing to satisfy the conscience of your wife as regards knowing whom i am.

as i told you in my proposal,i am a manager working with the security guard company burkina faso where the deceased person deposited the us$10.5 million dollars.

my name is Mr.Shaka bawah.i am 49 married with 3 children.i live in fada ngourma zone 5 area 311. my phone number is +226 78 86 76 47.

i want to tell you categoricaly that i love all colours,though blue is my favorite.this is business,we do not have to go into that extent as it has got nothing to do with our project.

i love domestic animals(dogs),i have one that guides my home while we are away.i have leisure in fishing and watching soccer.

i will like us to execute this business and become life time family friends.send the application and get back to me.my regards to your wife and entire family.let me know what your intended project will cost.i hope and believe that the 10.5 million dollars will be in your hands in 7 working days should you comply with all my instruction.i wait for your reply.

Shaka Bawah.



****************My Enthusiastic Response*****************


Bawa,

I must say thank you for sharing with me these personal details of your life. My wife feels much better now to know you in this way and we both look forward to our partnership together. We have already told our neighbors about the plans to bring a Dunkin Donuts shop to our neighborhood and they are very excited for us. Especially Merle, who is known for his sweet tooth. In fact, they would like also to do business with us!

I do have one final concern regarding the application you would like for us to complete. Will this be a legal transaction? I spent much of 1983 in jail because of some livestock problems. It was a horrible experience I would like to avoid if possible. If you can assure me this is a legitimate transaction, I think we will be ready to proceed with the transfer and start our business life together.

Your friend,

Thomas



****************Shaka Bawa's Confident Reply*****************



Dear Thomas Mann,

i thank you also for your understanding.extend my greetings to your beloved wife.

i am writing this time to assure you that this business is legal.all that the company requires from you is correct information about the deceased person of which,i am here to provide you with such information.

i am 100% sure that both of us will not encounter any problem.i am 100% involved of which,i have prepared grounds for a perfect execution of this transaction.your application is coming to my department.i am responsible to look into your application and give recomendation to the company to release and transfer this funds to you in your destination.

always adhere to my instructions as they will be of help to this business.be assured that you will confirm this funds in your hands before the end of next week.i will mount pressure from here to make sure that the funds are released to you.

i am of the opinion that we open the Dunkin Donuts shop in other good areas where the need is required.you will use this opportunity to make some market surveys and see where we can open other shops.i will use my time here to think of any other good project.but for now,let us open atleast,three or four shops.the shops could be opened in other cities.

fill and send the application to the company and inform me.endeavour to forward to me whatever question the company may ask you in this regards.i will give you the correct answers.be assured that i have perfected everything before contacting you.my kind regards.

Bawa.


********************


No reply from me for two days (playing hard to get)



****************Shaka Bawa's Concerned E-mail*****************



Dear Thomas Mann,

i am yet to hear from you as regards the application.update me.

Bawa.



****************My Final Response*****************

Bawa,

I must begin with an apology.

My name is not Thomas Mann – it is Michael Landon. I am not really a painter by trade, and I do not have a cautious, curious wife who loves Dunkin Donuts. That was a cover story utilized to engage you in discourse, not unlike the remarkably wild tale you invented to encourage a response from me.

In truth, I am a member of the United Nations’ new International Task Force fighting Internet fraud, CyberStrike. CyberStrike has been investigating claims of fraudulent e-mails originating from your country for 8 months. We are in the surveillance phase of the operation – collecting e-mail account information, known pseudonyms, IP addresses, Internet routing coordinates, and other information that will enable us to pinpoint the location of individuals across the globe who have been soliciting personal information from unwary Internet users for the purpose of making illegal withdrawals from financial accounts.

This final electronic correspondence is to inform you that CyberStrike has successfully completed phase one and is scheduled to launch a comprehensive crackdown of all such illegal activity at the beginning of the new year that starts January 1st, 2006. The U.N. goal is to apprehend and prosecute all individuals engaged in the practice of international fraud, including the confiscation of all computer equipment, and the freezing of all assets.

Thanks to your many responses to my e-mails, you have been marked as a live individual, and are therefore subject to indictment under international law for attempted fraud, attempted identity theft, embezzlement, and a host of lesser, related charges. This e-mail is a courtesy warning to cease and desist all such communications at once or face strict penalties. CyberStrike is currently working with a team of undercover operations specialists who will be exercising a sweep in your area in the coming months. You can plan to be in police custody some time before April of 2006.

Kind regards and best wishes,

Michael Landon
a.k.a Thomas Mann

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Here’s an interactive pumpkin carving instruction site you may find helpful for last-minute jack-o-lanterning.

SPAM ARTISTS

I recently saw a nightly news program segment warning people against the many internet scams coming out of countries in Africa, where scam artists with only a rough grasp of the English language are somehow talking “greedy” Americans into sharing their person banking information. Most of these scam e-mails are likely snagged by your e-mail program's SPAM filter and tossed into your junk/bulk folder next to reminders to read AYNtK, so you may have never seen one firsthand.

I have - and they're hysterical. It's really a wonder anyone would respond at all given how poorly they're written. But according to the news source, these scam operations are big business overseas where enterprising young Nigerians pack cybercafes day and night attempting to hoodwink naive Americans.

I received one such scam e-mail earlier this week, and in the interest of research, responded. You'll be interested to know that I have been communicating with an internet bandit who goes by the name of Bawa for two days now. I have saved the entire communication stream for your amusement. When our dialogue concludes, I will post it in full all to enjoy.

Big fun!

SAY IT ISN'T SULU

George Takei, the actor who steered the Starship Enterprise over three television seasons and six hit movies as Sulu, came out as a homosexual this week. Funny how some news isn't really news at all.


Warp speed ahead, Sulu. You go, girl!

OILING POINT

Exxon Mobil Corp. and Shell posted their best quarterly results ever today, with Exxon becoming the first U.S. company ever to boast quarterly sales of $100 billion.

And here I thought the war in Iraq, an OPEC supply blockade, and a trifecta of devastating hurricanes were to blame for soaring prices at the pump. Here I thought THESE were the reasons I've been paying $3.00 a gallon for gas. Yet today I read this bullshit. I feel like I've got one of those gas pump nozzles broken off in my ass.

Laugh it up, fuckwad.

Would any jury of my peers convict me for strangling the assholes who’ve been raping our wallets? Or is it just a coincidence that while we’re paying record prices for gas, the big oil companies are turning record profits? What the motherfuck is going on?


You know...if they’d just point to the free market as the reason prices have escalated, I could respect that. But all we ever hear on the news is how escalating gas prices are due to everything else under the sun. The White Sox win the World Series – gas prices expected to climb. Gas prices rise with the sale of Halloween candy. Small grease fire in the kitchen of a house in suburban Baltimore sends gas prices soaring. How about this - oil companies raise gas prices yet again in a bid to post their best quarterly results ever. I wouldn't like it, but I could respect it. They're robbing Peter to pay themselves and telling Paul there's nothing they can do about it. It's bullshit.

I see tomorrow's headline now: Man in Chicago has a hard time swallowing the truth, dies choking on it – gas inches higher.

WHY I AM A CUBS FAN

EXHIBIT A


I can't even imagine what went on in that locker room. World champions? No thanks. I think I'll stick with my lovable losers. And the bandwagon played on...

SLOW AND STEADY

Okay, so some days I do more than others. Today, in between banging my forehead against my keyboard and picking coffee grounds out of my teeth, I stumbled upon this fun maze game where you have to trace your way along a path using your mouse. It starts out pretty easy, but gets hard quick. I couldn’t get past round 4.

Oh yeah? See if you can do any better, hot shot. You're such an ass!

CATCH OF THE DAY

I love this one. A man fleeing from the Chicago police tried to get away by jumping into Lake Michigan. He must have figured the officers wouldn’t follow him in. And he was right – they didn’t follow him. They simply waited on shore until he got so cold he had to come out of the water. According to authorities, officers responded to a call of a possible carjacking and pursued a suspect to the lakefront. The chase ended when the suspect dove into the lake. Police on the shore and aboard a Marine Unit boat kept an eye on him as he waded through the water. A short time later, after getting tired and cold, the suspect returned to land where he was apprehended.

ICE-A-HOLICS

Here’s a little something you can do to pass the time.

SICK DAYS

I know, I know – you’re wondering where the hell I’ve been. Well, since you must know, I’ve been under the weather all week. I don’t know exactly what that expression is supposed to mean, as it would seem to me we’re all “under” the weather all the time, but people like to use it in place of things like:

“I’ve been vomiting more regularly than Lindsay Lohan.”

“I’ve been drowning in sinus discharge.”

“I’ve been trying to expel my lungs through my esophagus.”


Anyhow, I feel much better today. Except I’m a little constipated.

A TALE OF TWO CITIES

I SWEAR

If you can’t say it with flowers, say it with profanity. Plenty of fun words here…even add your own. Cussing is cool!

COFFEE FOR THOUGHT

I realized shortly after paying four dollars for a Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks this morning that I had just paid four dollars for a Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Was I so comfortable with my finances that I was okay with paying 4 fucking dollars for a cup of milk? It just didn’t seem right.

So I did some fuzzy math and estimated I was paying somewhere in the neighborhood of $30 a gallon for coffee! That sure put the price of gas in perspective. How was it that I came to value coffee more than gasoline? I suppose it’s because of the pleasure I derive from a tall cup of coffee - the way it winds me up like a category 5. Gasoline, on the other hand, doesn’t really make me FEEL anything – it’s just something I have to buy to get to work every day. There’s no immediate pleasure in gasoline consumption. Even when I consider the luxury of personal transportation, the levels of gratification are virtually incomparable. One is an experience I enjoy incrementally over time, the other is an immediate fix I enjoy almost all at once.

Still, this deeper understanding of the relative cost of things didn’t make me feel any better about paying $4 for a cup of leaded milk. Was I insane to pay that much? I decided to do a little research into what people pay for other liquids. You might be surprised at what a gallon of some other popular consumer items goes for these days…


Chanel No. 5 Perfume: $45,056 per gallon
Visine Advanced Eye Drops: $741.12 per gallon
Vicks 44D Cough Syrup: $96.67 per gallon
Coppertone SPF 45 sun-block lotion: $90.11 per gallon
Pepto-Bismol: $58.52 per gallon
Evian bottled water: $21.19 per gallon
Corona beer: $12.89 per gallon
Snapple: $10.32 per gallon
Tide liquid detergent: $8.39 per gallon
Coca-Cola: $2.64 per gallon
Tap water: .00186 cent for 11,000 gallons

So, depending on where you live, gasoline is roughly the same price per gallon as Coke. And heaven forbid you should ever develop an affinty for Pepto-Bismol shooters - that'd be an expensive habit to break!

Just a little liquid for thought...

DON'T CRY FOR MR. CHAVEZ

Taking a page out of North Korea’s Handbook on destroying relationships with the world’s most powerful nations, Venezuela’s president Hugo Chavez publicly accused the U.S. this week in a BBC interview of planning to invade his country. He pointed to a 2002 failed coup attempt as evidence of a U.S.-assisted overthrow and suggested the oil-hungry Americans would relish taking over his country.

“A coup happened in Venezuela that was prepared by the US. What do they want? Our oil, as they did in Iraq….We have detected with intelligence reports plans of a supposed invasion, one that would never happen. But we have to denounce it,” Mr Chavez said.

The White House official response was brief: “As if.”

According to one source at the Pentagon, an invasion of Venezuela is not likely.

“Mr. Chavez should not flatter himself – the Venezuelans aren’t even in our top 10. They’re like number 17 on the list of proposed invasions. And they’d be lucky if we did. In fact, that may be the motivation behind these accusations…to get under our skin for a more prominent place on our list. But we’re onto Mr. Chavez and we will NOT be baited into invading his piece of crap country.”

Venezuela is the fifth largest oil producer, sending a million and a half barrels of oil to the U.S. every day.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED?

When someone tells you to smell something, it's never good.


I think I'll pass.

OH, FRED!

This is a photograph of Hurricane Wilma as it approaches Cancun, Mexico. Holy shit is right. This storm looks like more trouble than Michael Jackson headed for Chuck E. Cheese.

BEING TRANSOXUAL

I’ve been catching a lot of flack from friends who don’t think it’s natural for a Cubs fan to be rooting for the White Sox to win the World Series. My reaction thusfar has been to respond with a big, “Fuck off, I can root for whoever I want.” But today I decided to think rationally about it. Does rooting for the White Sox somehow make me less of a Cubs fan?

After four seconds of deep consideration I came to the conclusion that of course it didn’t.

Sure, the two teams are city rivals…but they play in different leagues. And when they do play against each other I always root for the Cubs. Indeed, were the Cubs playing against them in the World Series, there’s no way in hell I’d be fired up about the Sox. Of course, were the Cubs actually in the World Series, nothing in hell would be fired up, as hell would be a massive sheet of ice. But that’s not the point.

The point is that it is perfectly acceptable to pledge support for a rival team if YOUR team is comprised of a bunch of lame, underachieving nurses who’ll never get to the big show themselves. I mean, shit, what’s the point to watching sports if you’re not invested in the outcome one way or the other?

I suppose I could throw my support to the Cubs’ division rival Astros, but that wouldn’t make me a better Cubs fan, either. That would just make me a Sox-hater, which some Cubs fans think is central to being a Cubs fan. I love that argument: “Sox fans wouldn’t root for the Cubs if WE made it to the World Series, so why are you going to root for the Sox?” That’s simple: Because I’m not a bitter, mean-spirited Sox fan, frothing with vitriolic hatred. I’m a happy-go-lucky Cubs fan who doesn’t have to see the Sox implode to get a good night’s sleep. But some folks just don’t see it that way. Less power to them.

I suppose another tactic would be to boycott the World Series because my team isn’t in it. But the World Series is a prime excuse to get piss drunk with friends. How can I possibly boycott the World Series? I’ve never boycotted the World Series and I don’t intend to start now. No – my liver’s not getting off that easily. That’s what sore losers do – they pout and whine and quit when their team is out of it. I don’t pout and whine and quit. I acknowledge my team sucks, as I do every year, and then give the nod to one of the finalists. One of the finalists this year just happens to be bringing a lot of excitement (and revenue) to my fine town. I’m rather enjoying it.

So go Sox. Show Chicago how it’s done. Take some of the weight off of our City of Big Shoulders. Give Cubs fans another reason to hate you next year when the rivalry resumes. Kick some Astro ass. (Except when Clemens is pitching…everybody loves the Rocket, baby!) For the next week, there’s no rivalry here – just the respect a good, hard-working team deserves.

And if you don't agree, fuck off - I can root for whoever I want, beotch!

THE DAILY PICK ONE

I just pulled out the longest nose hair of all time. I’m thinking it may have been attached to the back of my eyeball as my left eye is now tearing up uncontrollably.

It all started as an innocent nose pick. I had a little itch I tried to scratch by curling up the knuckle of my forefinger and rubbing it against the side of my nose. When that didn’t work, I brushed the outside of my nostril over the back of my hand a few times. When the itch persisted, I decided I was going to have to go in with the finger. Fortunately, things were pretty dry as I fished around for the source of my discomfort. Unfortunately, when I finally found it, it was clinging tightly to a long, thick hair. So I started twisting and pulling it, hoping the offending goober would break free. But it would not. It was a stubborn little bastard. So I started to yank and pull, inserting the tips of both my forefinger and thumb for better leverage. I focused my chi and with one swift stroke pulled down firmly. That’s when I felt the sky open up and a cold breeze rush over me.

I blacked out for a moment, then glanced down to see what had to have been the single longest hair ever extracted from a human proboscis. I am not exaggerating when I tell you I could have used it to floss my teeth. For your appetite's sake I will assure you I did not. Was it painful? Yeah – it hurt like hell. But there was no blood, which was good. There did appear to be some gray matter on the very end, however, which I am guessing originated somewhere in the neighborhood of the frontal cortex. But I’ll leave that determination to William Petersen.

Anyhow, the itch is gone now and my vision has returned enough for me to type this up for you. Just wanted to keep you in the loop…

OUT OF BUSINESS

Here’s a little something I stumbled upon online today.

This is Camille Cabral. Camille is a French prostitute. Here she is posing with a European Union flag at a conference organized by the International Committee on the Rights of Sex Workers in Europe. Yes, you read that right – the rights of sex workers in Europe. It is the Committee’s goal to end the criminalization of the sex industry so that hard working folks like Camille get the same social rights as other workers. What Camille isn’t considering is that with rights come regulations – and a girl this butt ugly would never be allowed to work in the sex business.

Only on the black market would someone part with hard-earned money to have any sort of physical contact with Camille. No...she's definitely got the face for phone sex.

HOT PANTS!

Looking for some sweet fall fashions? This guy's selling a hot pair of leather pants you might be interested in...

(Open the Q&A if you've got a minute, as a lot of people are asking about his pants)

A-MAIZING

If you build it, they will come.



And we did. Richardson's Farm is home to the world's largest corn maze. I didn't realize how popular these things have become in recent years. Farmers are letting people into their corn crops and reaping the benefits. There was a 50 foot slide for the kids, a petting zoo, pumpkins for sale, and some of the most structurally sound port-o-potties I've ever hung out in, so to speak. It's simply amazing how these things are created - with just a few cases of Coors and some garden shears. Actually, it may be a little more involved than that.

So what's the point to all of this cornograffiti? To have fun and make money, of course. We had the fun, they made the money. They hand everyone maps at the beginning and the idea is to travel deep into the labyrinth in search of posted landmarks. At each post there is a hole puncher that you use to notch your map with a different shape indicating you found that post. Two hours later you emerge victorious and turn in your map to receive a token gift. It's the perfect way to spend a Sunday with family - especially kids.

One twist I would have liked to have seen - a HAUNTED corn maze. No maps - just flashlights handed out to a few bold adventurers on a chilly autumn night. Imagine wandering around in the thick of a cornfield surrounded by eerie noises, growling dogs, panting, footsteps, chainsaws, etc. And as you find yourself at a dead end in the middle of the maze your flashlight buzzes over a rotting corpse, severed in several places by the blade of a rusty sickle. Yeah - that's what I'M talking about. The scariest damn haunted "house" experience of all time. You'd hear people screaming around every corner - and you'd be completely lost! Almost makes me wish I had my own corn maze to dress up for Halloween.

There are corn mazes all over the place. To find out if there's one near you, Google it and plan a corny outing of your own.

CONFUCIUS SAY: PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

This picture is worth way more than a thousand words, and none of them good.

PRIORITIES

Now here's a boat the Minnesota Vikings would approve of.

While it is often said that a picture is worth a thousand words, this one can be summed up in just one:

Priorities.

This guy better keep moving or he's going to get a ticket.

IN DEFENSE OF TOM DELAY

Sorry, nothing immediately comes to mind.

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE PAN!

Chicago passed an anti-panhandling law last year that - you guessed it smartypants - banned panhandling. The city-wide law was enacted to prevent people from aggressively suggesting you give them some money in exchange for them leaving you alone.

So if you're planning on moving to Chicago to open up your own panhandling franchise, here are the rules:

"No panhandling within 10 feet of a bus shelter or bus stop, a public transportation vehicle or facility, any vehicle parked on a public street or alley, a sidewalk cafe or restaurant, a gas station, or within 10 feet in any direction of an ATM machine, bank, or currency exchange."

So, basically you can only ask people for money if you're in the comfort of your own home. And if you've got a home, chances are you don't need to be asking people for money.

The fine for the first and second offenses within a 12-month period is $50. The fine for a third offense in a 12-month period is $100.

A $50 fine?!?! Do you know how much panhandling a panhandler would have to do to pay a $50 fine? That’s like a whole day’s work! And what happens when they don't pay the fine? Does the city send out a warning notice to an address that doesn't exist? These people are homeless - they're not going to pay fines. The city ought to stick a broom in their hands and tell them if they want to ask people for money, they'd better be sweeping up the sidewalks while they're doing it.

THOSE HORNY BARBARIANS

Did you see the news today??

Vikings Allegedly Had Sex Party on Boats

Holy friggin' crap! Finally, some news worth printing.






And then I started reading the article and realized they were talking about the MINNESOTA Vikings. Yeah - those FAKE Vikings who claim to play football. I thought this was going to be some big historical revelation about how rowdy ancient Scandinavians used to host the best orgies in the new world. Now THAT would have made for a story.

Instead, I'm wading through the details of a 90-minute "team event" cruise during which there were drugs and live sex acts performed on football players. Where's the news in THAT? Sound the alarms - professional athletes practice infidelity on the open sea. Big fucking whoop. I'll tell you what a real story would be:

Team of Computer Engineers at M.I.T. Board Wrong Boat, Score Repeatedly

These are NFL players we're talking about here. Infidelity is in their contract. They HAVE to accept illicit drugs and lap dances from prostitutes. Ask Michael Irvin or Lawrence Taylor - they'll tell you all about it.

Stereotypes exist for a reason - so people have something to live down to.

KNOW YOUR NASCAR!

Oh boy are you kids in for some fun today! Yeeeeeeeee----ha!!!!

Don't ask me why, but I recently had to come up with a NASCAR quiz here at work. Sometimes my job can be borderline fun. Now...I'm NOT a NASCAR fan, but I did enjoy getting to know more about the fastest growing spectator sport in America. (Did you think it was extreme ironing? I did too.) Anyhow, most of you may only have a passing familiarity with the sport. In fact, I am going to assume this is the case by virtue of the fact you are able to read this. For the those of you wholly unaware that people can earn a living driving like cab drivers on a closed circuit track, NASCAR is that auto race where colorful cars whip around and around making a lot of left hand turns in front of tens of thousands of drunk good ole boys sporting mullets. Okay, that's not so true anymore. These days there are a lot of drunk good ole gals sporting mullets, too.

Start your engines, folks...here's my NASCAR quiz. The answers can be seen by clicking on Comments below...

1.) Happy Hour is the nickname for:

a. The first practice of the season
b. The last practice session prior to race day
c. The celebration immediately following the race
d. The last hour of the Daytona 500
e. Ted Kennedy

2.) How many cars start each race?
a. 43
b. 47
c. 50
d. 27
e. None – they don’t start themselves, a driver must start them

3.) NASCAR racecars are equipped with 358 cubic inch engines that, unrestricted, can generate:
a. 550 horsepower.
b. 690 horsepower
c. 730 horsepower
d. Over 800 horsepower
e. A lot of bad press

4.) The temperature can approach ___ degrees inside the car during the race?
a. 100 degrees
b. 120 degrees
c. 140 degrees
d. 190 degrees
e. 6 degrees of separation

5.) A driver can lose what during the course of a race?
a. Feeling in both hands
b. Viscosity
c. 5-10 pounds
d. Sense of smell
e. Rectal virginity

6.) Why does a NASCAR vehicle have roof flaps?
a. For improved aerodynamics
b. To keep rain out of the vehicle
c. To prevent the car from rolling over
d. NASCAR vehicles don’t have roof flaps
e. Roof flaps are for sissies like Jeff Gordon

7.) A single NASCAR racecar tire weighs:
a. 50 pounds
b. 75 pounds
c. 100 pounds
d. 175 pounds
e. More than Star Jones

8.) Drafting creates:
a. Friction
b. A vacuum
c. Thermal displacement
d. Decelerative momentum
e. Fancy Blueprints

9.) The Restrictor Plate
a. Decreases horsepower
b. Decreases exhaust
c. Decreases risk of a rolling over
d. All of the above
e. Keeps Kirstie Alley away from the Cherry Danish

10.) During a race, the driver’s pulse:
a. Is elevated by 10%
b. Is at 85% of maximum
c. Remains unchanged
d. Fluctuates wildly from start to finish
e. Increases when the guest Crew Chief is Heidi Klum

11.) A driver’s helmet weighs around 3 pounds, but on banked turns, pulling between 2.5 and 5Gs, it feels:
a. Like 15 pounds
b. Weightless
c. Like 40 pounds
d. The same
e. Headless

12.) If a car’s windshield gets smeared with track debris or other cars' fluids during the race,
a. The driver completes the race as is
b. The driver pits to replace the windshield
c. The pit crew peels off the windshield’s outer layer
d. The pit crew uses a high-powered solution to clean it off
e. The driver uses a hand towel while he is driving to clear off a spot
13.) What is used to inflate the tires on a NASCAR NEXTEL Cup Series racecar?
a. Good old-fashioned air
b. Hydrogen
c. Helium
d. Nitrogen
e. Hootie’s Blowfish

14.) How many laps does the typical driver usually go before making a pit stop?
a. 10
b. 60-65
c. 90-95
d. 120-125
e. Depends how many beers he had for breakfast

15. Many early NASCAR drivers learned their racing skills:
a. Running from the law as bootleggers
b. Driving cabs in New York City
c. As stunt drivers in Hollywood
d. Watching Smokey & the Bandit
e. Playing Pole Position

16. The fastest NASCAR track is:
a. Daytona International Speedway
b. The Brickyard
c. Talladega Superspeedway
d. Infineon Raceway
e. The one that really gets around, so to speak

17. The first NASCAR competition held outside the U.S. was in:
a. Mexico
b. Japan
c. Aruba
d. Canada
e. Texas

18. The closest finish in NASCAR history was when Ricky Craven beat Kurt Busch at Darlington on March 16, 2003. His margin of victory was just:
a. 2 seconds
b. .585 seconds
c. .002 seconds
d. .102 seconds
e. An illusion

OFF BASEBALL

The City of Chicago has got it all. We've got culture and dining and entertainment - even a corrupt mayor to wrap it all up in a shiny clean package. Hell, we've even got TWO baseball teams. Do you know how wickedly cool that is? Unless you live in New York or L.A., you couldn't possibly. Here's how it works.

In Chicago, when you are born, the hospital administrators ask your parents which team to put on your birth certificate, and from that day forward you are either a Cubs or White Sox fan. The choice is no more yours than the color of your eyes. For better or worse, I was born a Cubs fan...and sworn enemy to all those forced to support the White Stockings.

Local sports radio over the years has made a big deal over the marked difference in the fanbases of the two Clubs, largely because the Cubs have no problem filling seats - even when they put a crap product on the field. The White Sox, on the other hand, have always had attendance issues, due in large part to the area they call home. Let's compare. The Cubs have charming Wrigley Field, a historical landmark nestled in amongst the 3-story brownstones of a bustling, residential North Side neighborhood - while the White Sox had Comiskey park (Now Cellular One Field) off of the Dan Ryan Expressway in an area of the city you wouldn't want to be caught alone in at night. Nevermind the team on the field, which stadium sounds like more fun on a Friday afternoon? I'll make this easy - the White Sox don't play on Friday afternoons.

The rivalry is real here, mostly because White Sox fans insist on hating Cubs fans for being, well, Cubs fans. Most Cubs fans could give two shits about the White Sox and don't really care one way or the other whether they win or lose. Sox fans on the other hand are always hoping something dreadful will befall their overprivileged northside counterparts. I have a lot of friends who are White Sox fans and I forgive them for hating me. It's been as central to their lives as their middle name.

This week, a mass e-mail got started amongst some friends because the White Sox made the playoffs and the Cubs, LOW and behold, did not. The gloating was surprisingly creative; one guy asked what time the Cubs game started tonight. Ouch. Then the argument was made that Cubs fans are a bunch of drunk yuppies and spoiled kids who don't care about baseball as much as they do getting a tan. While not entirely untrue, I took great offense. We were even called "fair weather" fans by another Sox junkie. Can you believe that? How do you call a Cubs fan "fair weathered"? That's like calling Richard Simmons straight. I needed to intervene and stop the madness. My contribution is posted below for those who have nothing better to do than read the types of things I take time out of my busy day to address.

**********************

Dear friends:

I don't think you well-intended gents disagree on what it means to be a "fair weather" fan - I think you're disagreeing on what it means to be a "fan."

I've been digging around online for a list of qualifications that make someone a fan, but haven't found one. So at a minimum let's agree that it's fair to say a "fan" must take pleasure in the success of "their" team. I'm sure we could come up with a more complete list, but most of us have jobs, and of those who do, some would like to keep them. So let's keep this simple.

Instead of there being a black and white definition of what it means to be a fan, it seems to me there are gradations of "fanity," and we all fall somewhere on that continuum, from vacuously vapid to wildly rabid. I know a lot of Sox fans who are hard core baseball junkies and watch every game. I also know more than a few who are casual fans - they like their Sox, but they're not going to lose sleep tonight if they lose. All teams have fans of varying degrees of fanaticism. That's how fanity works.

As for all this talk regarding the quality of the fans, this too seems to me to be a measure of fanity. As a Cubs "fan," I can and will admit that more than a few of the people with whom I share the bleachers on gameday fall into the vapid category. They spend more time talking on their cell phones about the girl/guy they're meeting at Murphy's after the game than paying attention to the on-field product. That said, I don't think the number is 60%. [As had been suggested by one Sox fan, and armchair statistician]. In fact, the majority of the people at the games I've been to this year were very much in tune with the on-field action, as well as the up-and-down drama that marked their season – an emotional rollercoaster that took us from optimism early to disappointment to hope to more disappointment. Sure, plenty of those cats couldn't tell you the ERA of every starter in the rotation, but given a few beers they cheer just as loud. My point is that there are some people who go to the game just to have fun – but as long as they're rooting for the Cubs when they're in there, that's fine by me. They're not hardcore fans. They're not fair-weather fans. Maybe we call them fans of opportunity. Regardless - they contribute to the energy and excitement of going to a Cubs game, and why the Cubs are so popular. It's like being proud of your college because it made Playboy's list of top party schools. It's not exactly something you ought to be proud of, but you are.

I would definitely say that more of the people at the Cell [Cellular One Ballpark] are what I would consider your harder core "fans." You'd almost HAVE to be to make up for the difference in atmosphere. But I guess that all depends what you go to the ballpark for. In addition to rooting for the Cubs, I also like laughing at stupid drunk people while sitting on a weather worn bench in front of a scoreboard you have to wind up like an old watch. There's something about the character of the ballpark that contributes to the appeal of the experience. I don't think the same can be said of Cellular One, which offers a markedly different experience. An experience I didn't mind so much, incidentally – I just wish it weren't so damn clean. I felt guilty dropping my peanut shells on the ground. I also didn't see nearly as many fights in the stands as I had been expecting. That was a bummer.

News Flash: The Cubs blew it again this year - didn't even come close to meeting expectations. And they'll sell a ton of tickets again next year regardless of the team they field for the simple fact that Wrigley Field is a fun place to spend the afternoon. I wish it weren't so fun so we could send a message to management that the team's success matters. On second thought, no I don't.

What would be the fun in that?

THINGS I WONDER

Is it okay to say "Bless Me" if you sneeze alone?

BREAKING TABOOCHI

According to a new poll released by the Gallup organization, Americans now widely support interracial dating. Ahhh, nothing like the sweet smell of progress! Approval was most popular among those aged 18-29, with 95% of respondents indicating acceptance. This is particularly good news for Michael Jackson, who is now free to date himself without feeling like a complete freak.

Despite indicating a strong trend in favor of interracial dating, the poll did not show similar support for inter-species dating, which leaves Danny Bonaduce in a bind. An international consortium of top scientists remains unable to figure out what planet that guy is from. "Uranus" came up a number of times in initial discussions, but it turns out the scientists weren't talking about the planet.

DISASTROUS!

Did you see this shit in Pakistan? 40,000 people feared dead from the massive earthquake over the weekend. Figures. Every time we have a massive natural disaster of some kind, some country somewhere has to one-up us with a something even more devastating. Sure, we'll get a handful of destructive twisters in the heartland...then there'll be a cyclone in Bangladesh. So then California will weather a crippling drought, widespread wildfires, and rolling blackouts - only to be outdone by a massive Tsunami. So then we finally think we got them with back-to-back hurricanes blasting the gulf coast - what could be worse than THAT? But NO - they whip up a catastrophic earthquake and just like that they're back on top again. How are we supposed to feel bad for ourselves when people are dying in numbers like that? 40,000 people DEAD. Holy Hiroshima, Batman!

And the timing was perfect. They waited until the whole Katrina/Rita thing was out of the news so people would conveniently forget that there are displaced Americans all over the country with no place to call home. Timely because now we can write them a big check in the name of friendship. I don't mean to make light of the situation over there - from what I've seen on television, it looks horrible. But so did/does New Orleans and surrounding communities. I just hate to see all that money going overseas when we desperately need it here. But that's not how imperialism works. When one of your global provinces has problems, you've got to loosen the purse-strings a little bit and throw some support their way. How else are we to find Osama Bin Missen without the support of Musharrif and company?

I just hope God takes a smoke break soon because all this devastation is getting expensive!

PAPER OR PLASTIC?

You know what steams me? People who still write checks at the grocery store. We’re closing in on 2006 here…get with the program, people! They’re called debit cards and they’re FREE if you have a checking account - which I'm assuming you do since you're writing a fucking check. Swipe it, hit your PIN, and get the hell out of my way! Nothing to fill out, sign, or record for your files. It’s all done automatically. Just take your receipt and go. You’re holding up the line with that archaic payment instrument. Or maybe I just need to grow some patience. Nah - it's more fun to bitch.

Here’s a little something else you should know. It’s better to sign for debit card purchases than it is to enter your PIN. When you enter your PIN, the funds are electronically transferred from your account to the merchant directly. That’s easy and that’s fine and that’s the whole idea behind using a debit card. BUT, if you ask to sign your receipt and use the “credit” option, the transaction goes through Visa first, which means you can earn rewards points (if you’ve got a rewards debit card like I do), and you’re given all of the purchase protections that come with using a Visa card, like Zero Liability fraud protection. That’s why I sign every time! Of course, merchants don’t want you to use your cards as Visa cards because every time you do, Visa gets a processing fee from the merchant. So a lot of stores won’t even let you choose the “credit” option once you’ve swiped what they detect is a debit card. Sneaky bastards! But for those stores that do - let 'em know you'd like to sign.

Just a little 411 from your friend who happens to do a lot of writing for Visa.