All You Need to Know

CONSUMER VICTORY #230: BUDGET RENTAL CAR & THE SQUEAKY WHEEL

2011-07-17T12:03:00.005-05:00

July 16, 2011

Avis Budget Car Rental, LLC
6 Sylvan Way
Parsippany, NJ 07054 U.S.

RA Document# 598442XXX

To whom it may concern:

I am writing to detail a disappointing experience I recently had with Budget and to offer your company a chance to make things right.

My wife and I recently booked a trip to the Los Angeles area through Hotels.com and reserved an economy vehicle to be picked up and returned at your LAX airport facility, 9775 Airport Boulevard, Los Angeles, California, 90045.

Upon arrival at the airport, we were picked up by a shuttle bus and transported to the Budget rental office location. The shuttle service, while prompt, was also considerably damper than our clothing would have preferred. The air conditioning unit in the vehicle had apparently been sweating at regular intervals throughout the day, emitting large amounts of condensation on the bench seats every time the vehicle came to an abrupt stop. As a result, the cloth seats were saturated with water. Unfortunately, this would not become apparent to us, or anyone else boarding the shuttle for that matter, until about three minutes into the ride when the water from the cloth bench had managed to saturate the bottoms of our pants.

While an uncomfortable ride, to say the least, this was only the beginning of what would prove a disastrous rental experience.

Upon arrival at Budget’s LAX rental office, we were unpleasantly surprised to see a line of customers from the office, out the door and down the covered walkway to the parking lot. We could not believe this was actually the line to pick up a “reserved” vehicle, so we checked inside to find out where we could pick up our car and were told that this long line was, in fact, the waiting line for ALL people picking up cars from Budget that day – even those of us who had booked a car online in advance months before to expedite the process.

Grudgingly, my family and I were forced to stand in line outside your facility for over an hour on an unseasonably hot day, all of our luggage and personal belongings baking in the summer sun as we helplessly watched the precious minutes of our first vacation slowly melting away.

Once breaking the threshold of the office, I saw the line wrapped around even further, which meant more waiting. At this point the problem became evident – while there were around eight reservation terminals in total, only three were staffed by personnel. Given the long line, which only grew longer as shuttle after shuttle continued bringing new customers to the office, it was clear that the people on duty that afternoon were in no hurry to get customers on their way.

Upon finally reaching the service desk, I was greeted by a polite lady who appeared to have a management position. I asked her if the facility were always this busy, to which she responded with a laugh, “Always. The price must be right, right? Business is good.”

I explained to her that while business appeared good, things were actually not so good if you asked the dozens of people in line behind me, many of whom were on their cell phones canceling afternoon plans because Budget was inexplicably understaffed and woefully inefficient.

She laughed again and said, “Well, we must be doing something right. Look at all these people.”

Frustrated at her lack of empathy, and lack of understanding regarding sound business principles, I politely explained to her that ‘all these people,’ as she had put it, had been “Bad-mouthing Budget for the past hour and a half.”

“They may be customers today,” I continued, “But they’re not HAPPY customers…and they won’t likely be repeat customers given this experience. That’s actually BAD for business.”

Another laugh. Another smile. Another excuse. “That’s how we keep our prices so low. People like low prices. It must be worth it.”

“That’s my whole point,” I explained. “It’s NOT worth it. No one here expected to waste away their afternoon in line at the airport. I would never pay a few dollars less for a rental car to endure this. I don’t think anyone here would. If it’s ‘always’ like this, and ‘business is good,’ then you’d think Budget could afford to hire a couple more people to make use of all of these empty terminals.” I gestured at the row of unmanned computer screens that had been taunting impatient customers all afternoon.

Another ‘polite’ laugh. I had to admire her mock amusement as she deftly avoided offering me anything that would have made the situation better – such as an apology, or better yet – a token discount for my time and trouble. I was instead horrified to discover the opposite was about to happen.

After accessing her records to locate my reservation, she began the ritual hardsell of vehicle upgrades, supplemental insurance, and pre-paid gasoline purchases. I declined, but she insisted on explaining to me the benefits of all three anyhow – even as my family continued sweltering in the sun outside. “Perhaps,” she suggested, “You would like a vehicle with a little more room.”

“Like what?” I asked, foolishly taking the bait.

“I have one Impala left,” she said. “It is the only car we have ready. I only have it because someone else canceled and you can have it now if you want it.”

“Wait a second,” I said. “You don’t have any other cars ready?”

“No,” she confirmed. “There is a wait for all other cars right now. They are not ready.”

“Even the car I had reserved for today? After I’ve been waiting all this time? It’s not ready?”

“There is a wait. But this Impala is ready now. It has more room.”

I would have been pleased to agree to a car with more room at that moment, had it been offered at the same rate I had been extended for the vehicle I had reserved online – well in advance. But it was not. This car would run another $93, she explained. But had more room.

I looked outside at my family, camped out patiently on our luggage, their pants finally beginning to dry from the shuttle ride over, and wondering if we would ever get to start our vacation. How much longer could I possibly ask them to wait for our car to be ready, I wondered.

In the interest of leaving the facility as soon as humanly possible, I relented and grudgingly accepted the terms on a car we didn’t ask for, that would cost more to rent, and that would get us worse gas mileage over the course of a week (but had more room). But it wasn’t until we were driving away that we made the most bone-chilling discovery of all.

UPGRADE? PLENTY OF ROOM IN THIS SWEET RIDE.

Just as we had been handed a key and were allowed to load our Impala and drive off to wherever we wanted, so too had other customers been handed keys to cars – economy cars – to be loaded and driven away. In fact, it was happening all around us. People walking out of the office with keys to cars that were *GASP* ready.

There had been no wait, after all, as we had been told. People who had been waiting in line with and around us were all driving away in cars that could easily have been assigned to us. We had, in fact, been lied to by the representative and told that our wait would have been longer had we opted to keep our economy car reservation.

Rather than spend another minute of our vacation battling your staff over this deceptive, unethical practice, we drove off and elected to take this issue to a higher authority. And that is, at long last, why I am writing today.

I believe we are owed an apology and an explanation for way we were treated, as well as a refund for the $93.31 we were coerced into paying by the unscrupulous Budget employee who exploited our frustration to up-sell us a vehicle we didn’t need or ask for.

I trust someone in your company has the authority to make this happen, and trust that whoever is screening this formal complaint and request now ensures it finds their hands. This is not a matter any company or business should leave unaddressed, and I do hope Budget will take action toward able remedying this to our satisfaction.

Sincerely,

Terry Mertens
312-501-XXXX

RESERVATION DETAILS

Rental Agreement Document # 598442XXX
Car # 10586XXX
Rented: 02JUL11/1146
Due-In: 09JUL11/1700

CC: Hotels.com

******************************************

TWO HOURS LATER:

******************************************

CS#40621

Thank you for contacting Budget Customer Service, Mr. Mertens.

Budget strives to provide exceptional customer service with every rental. We deeply regret that you have had a bad experience with us, and we thank you for bringing this to our attention. We try to provide you with the utmost customer service experience as possible and when this is not being done, we need to be aware of this. Also, the $93.31 USD charge for the upgrade has now been removed, and a credit has been issued to the charge card used for the rental, which you should see within a few business days. We can assure you that this case has been submitted to the District Manager of that location and action will be taken in order to prevent such an incident from occurring again in the future.

If you have any further questions please let us know.

Sincerely,

Josh Pinson
Budget Customer Service

AYNtK ALSO RECOMMENDS...

2009-09-16T17:59:00.004-05:00

This is the second installment of my recommendation feature, offering consumer experiences I recommend based on businesses and companies holding up their end of the bargain and giving me something I felt was worth the money.

Again, you may have a different point of view based on your experience, but based on MY personal experience with these products, services, and companies, I would like to publicly recommend them...and commend them for a job well done.

THE FRESCO MENU @ TACO BELL
Most fast food chains don’t even TRY offering healthier alternatives, so I give a big thumbs up to Taco Bell for making an effort. Their Fresco Menu gives border runners a collection of delicious dining options lower in fat and cholesterol than the standard fare we know and love long time - late night or date night! Or maybe both. Yeah, that's how I roll. My lucky wife.

Even though I usually break down and dial up the Meximelt for dessert, I do feel better about hammering a half-dozen tacos when they're not accompanied by the unappetizing aftertaste of a guilty conscience.

Something else I like about the Fresco menu is the taste. They have a great tomato-onion-cilantro pico they use instead of all that cheese and sour cream you’ll find on a standard deluxe – and I actually find myself preferring it to the fattier fare. Simply remarkable. Yo quiero Fresco!

One last request for the folks at Pepsico...CHORIZO, mi hermanos. Fresco chorizo with low-fat chihuahua. That's what I'm talking about, Willis Tower. I might just make you my regular Saturday night.

And bring back the little talking dog, too. I miss that perro pequeno.

COUPONS
Okay, so this isn't really a specific store or a product - but there are a lot of companies out there throwing money at us...and most consumers refuse to accept it. How INSANE is THAT?

Coupons add up, folks. My wife and I recently considered canceling our subscription to the weekly newspaper because, while we enjoy receiving it, saving money is the name of the game these days. Then I did a little math and realized that the paper pays for itself (and then some) in all of the Sunday circular coupons I clip and use. YES, I clip coupons. And I maximize my savings by using those coupons only when the items are on sale at the grocery store. Yeah...retail is for suckers.

I am a power shopper, which also means I can do difficult math like solving the per unit price of a "6 for $10!" sale. Don't you hate the way they price food these days? Everything is a complicated division problem - 4 for $11, 3 for $8, and 5 for $7. What the hell is THAT? Just tell me what ONE COSTS! But I digress...I've been trying to keep things positive by pointing out things I recommend...and I highly recommend clipping coupons.

Look - it takes about 5 minutes a week and I am able to reconcile it with my masculinity by doing it while watching football and drinking beer. The bottom line is this: Virtually everything at the store can be picked up for less if you just wait a week, shop around, do your homework, and/or clip coupons.

These days, I'll take the savings - and I'm not embarrassed at all to be toting around that old, crumpled envelope full of coupons. (Okay, maybe a little). Still, it's a huge thrill for me to get $1 OFF something that’s also buy-one-get-one-free. Score, baby! It’s like finding a washed-up Washington in my pocket. George, not Denzel. Denzel's not washed up. Yet.

And if I haven't got you yet, think about it this way. The less I spend on toothpaste, the more I have for beer. Hard to argue with coupons when they’re blanched in perspective like that. And when I add it all up at the end of the month, I’m saving about $20-$30 on the stuff our family was going to buy anyhow. Multiply that by 12 and you're looking at a lot of nice gifts under the tree come Christmas. Giddyup!

WORLD MARKET
This not-so-hidden gem wasn’t on my radar for the longest time, but ever since I discovered it I can’t get enough. They carry the most interesting shit (and I mean that it the nicest way), from food to furniture to jewelry. If you’re looking to find someone a gift that’s a little outside the norm, I recommend a stroll through World Market. Many of their wares are unexpected, which makes the shopping experience a novelty in itself. They also have an email list you can join that will keep you informed of special deals on things like wines from around the world and seasonal arrivals.

ROY'S HAWAIIAN
If you’ve never been to Roy’s Hawaiian, you are missing out. They're located all over - Chicago, Texas, California, Florida. The service and the food were exceptional – particularly the service. Their attention to detail was amazing as well. When we enjoyed our first anniversary dinner there, they personalized our menu prior to our arrival with a special greeting. They also created a complimentary dessert and surprised us with it after our main course. Staff was attentive, not overbearing, prices were reasonable, food was delicious, and the dining environment could not have been more comfortable. I'm not Phil Vettel here, but I have been to a lot of NICE (read: way overpriced) restaurants, and if you appreciate a 5-letter world called "value," I definitely felt I got my money's worth at Roy's.

Until next time...that's Aloha you need to know!

THE RECOMMENDATION DEPARTMENT IS NOW OPEN

2009-09-11T09:12:00.004-05:00

When I started making a list of all of the companies and products I like and would recommend, I realized it was a lot longer than I thought. It turns out there are a LOT of businesses meeting and exceeding my expectations. We just don't notice them sometimes because we're too busy bitching about the ones that don't.

Here are a few that recently stood out:

FIELDS INFINITI OF GLENCOE
I recently had to take my car into the shop for a stuck dash light. It was a little thing, but when you’re trying to sell your car the little things tend to signal bigger things to prospective buyers. I’d taken it to a local shop first, but all they did was fix the seal on a suspect wheel and hit me up for $30 before sending me on my way. “That ought to do it!” they said.

It did not “do it.”

Against my wallet’s better judgment, I elected to take the vehicle to a certified Infiniti dealership where I figured it just might get a little more love and attention. First off, the customer service at Fields Infiniti in suburban Glencoe was top-notch. I made an appointment online and was promptly confirmed via email. When I showed up the next morning, I noticed their reception facility was unlike any I’d ever seen. They had a low-lit coffee bar serving specialty beverages and grilled panini sandwiches to waiting customers – all free of charge. There were executive workstations with telephones and Ethernet cables…and free wireless throughout. A grouping of leather couches and chairs surrounded a large flat-screen TV. And everything was complimentary. Drinks. Snacks. Car wash.

In the end, they fixed the gauge, updated an outstanding recall I wasn’t even aware of, provided a courtesy diagnostic report on the condition of the vehicle, and shined it up nicely inside and out. Everyone I dealt with was prompt and professional – and the entire visit cost about $25. When I factored in the free lunch and car wash, I left a very satisfied customer. Big thumbs up to these folks who did everything right.

NUTRO ULTRA DOG FOOD
Our puppy had diarrhea when we switched her food, and some guy wandering the aisles at PetCo recommended this brand. I was skeptical at first because I noticed it was a little more expensive, and because guys who hang out at PetCo are not widely recognized as credible, objective consumer advocates. The guy told me that dogs actually eat less holistic/organic food because it has more nutrients and less filler, so you’re actually buying LESS food and saving money in the end.

I was VERY skeptical of this claim, but considering the glut of equally obscure off-brand options to choose from and an embarrassing lack of knowledge about my dog's dietary needs, I elected to take a risk. At the time I just wanted our little bugger to quit squirting crap all over the place, so I was happy to try anything new. Sure as shit, if you'll pardon the expression, our little Lucy Pooper adjusted in about a day and started producing perfectly firm, compact turds the size of Lincoln logs. And, as advertised, she was eating less!

To this day there’s always food left in her dish because she fills up fast and always has a ton of energy. I didn’t believe the hype at first, but now I’m sold. Nutro Ultra delivered and I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend.

SKYPE
When cutbacks at work meant I could no longer expense my wireless phone bill, I needed to make some cuts in my personal spending. I lowered my monthly minutes allotment and started shopping around for inexpensive landlines. That’s when I found Skype.

Skype is essentially an internet-based telephone connection (that also works with a webcam) that offers FREE calls to/from pretty much anyone in North America – whether they have Skype or not. So, unlike a fax machine, you don’t have to wait until everyone else gets Skype to use it. I couldn’t believe Skype was for real until I signed up for a free account and started using it. The sound quality has better than I thought it would be, and for a nominal fee of like $2.99 a month you can add voicemail and a host of additional services.

I like being able to dial in for conference calls through my laptop where I can quickly access my work files (and play games on Facebook when meetings run long). Skype also let me program my outgoing Skype line so that when I call people their caller ID recognizes my cell phone number.

And check this out – my uncle was recently traveling in Italy and was able to walk his laptop around outside to show off where he was standing and what he was seeing. Imagine getting a free video tour from friends and family from virtually anywhere you can get an internet connection. Sure beats a postcard!

Lots to love about Skype. They even have Skype handsets you can buy – cordless phones that function like landline phones, but are connected via your ISP. They ring and dial out just like an ordinary phone – but the calls are free. Yes – FREE. You may not use it right away, but I do recommend you check it out and sign up while they’re giving it away. www.skype.com

THE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT IS NOW CLOSED

2009-09-05T16:45:00.002-05:00

Most of us come equipped with a pretty active complaint system. If we see, hear, try or otherwise experience something we don’t like, we complain about it almost reflexively. It’s as if humans are hard-wired to bitch.

Why is that? Why are we compelled to share every little inconvenience, disappointment, and episode of misery and misfortune? What's the purpose of reliving these moments out loud, oftentimes over and over again?

One reason may be that complaining serves an emotional purpose. Complaining vindicates us in some small, yet meaningful way. Negative word of mouth is our way of exacting revenge on someone or something when we feel we’ve been wronged. It’s how we stick up for ourselves when we’ve been screwed by “the man.”

Even if we can’t get our money, our time, or our dignity back, we can always fight back with harsh words in the hope those words will one day come to haunt or harm the party responsible for our discontent - and that can be pretty much anything these days.

The weather. The waitress. Rising taxes. Traffic. Our shitty job. No shitty job. The religious right. The liberal left. The neighbors. Obama. Rush. The cops. The media. Lawyers. Long lines. High prices. The privileged. Panhandlers. Aggressive drivers. Sunday drivers. Communists. The post office. Smokers. Technology. This damn head cold. Guns. Oil barons. Rap music. The Illuminati.

No, you can't always get what you want – but you can always complain! Talk is cheap, as they say.

Today, more than ever before, people actually LISTEN to complaints. We actively SEEK out consumer reviews on websites like Yelp because they help us make informed decisions. Leveraging the experiences of others helps us make better decisions for ourselves. Thanks to technology, in an instant we can tap into an online database of collective experiences and download mob wisdom.

Go here. Do this. Avoid that. Try this. Do NOT go there!

People freely contribute to these sites because while companies can afford to ignore us as individuals, they have learned to respect the power of communities. One squeaky wheel gets a little grease. Thousands of squeaky wheels gets a whole new machine. Big changes require speaking with a single voice. Case in point: President Obama. (Oh, yes we did.)

All of this, believe it or not, is prelude to a point...which I will get to. Eventually.

We all know the feeling of getting taken, or getting a great deal. We can relate to both because we’ve experienced both. When we spend our valuable wages and precious time somewhere, we expect certain things in return.

I expect my order to be correct in the drive-thru. Most of the time it is.

I expect the doctor to keep his appointment time, or at the very least call me to let me know he is running an HOUR late so I can use that time to do other things. (This never happens, by the way - why is the doctor's time more valuable than mine?)

I expect the guy at Jiffy Lube to be honest with me when he says I need a new air filter. Really? You just charged me $40 to change my oil and you're going to upsell me an air filter?

I expect the waiter/waitress to tell me if gratuity has already been added to the check. Not a small detail, or an easy one to spot at the end of a long tab...especially if you've been drinking.

I expect the store to match the low price I just found if you have a price-match guarantee. How can you advertise a guarantee if you can't guarantee it?

I expect the company to take me off of their calling list if I ask them to take me off of their calling list. Seriously, I am going to find out who you are, drive to where you are sitting, and take my name off your list the old fashioned way.

There sure are a lot of opportunities to complain, aren’t there? But after a while, don’t you get kind of tired of complaining? I do. And I get tired of listening to them.

Complaints, by their very nature, are negative. They’re hostile in spirit. They come from a sad, hurt, and often angry place. They don’t promote the emotional states we think of as pleasurable or otherwise positive, even if they seem to satisfy us on another level.

Complaining, and listening to people complain, are two surefire ways to depress your mood. Think of the people we enjoy being around. Fun-loving, positive, optimistic people with a lot of enthusiasm. They take bad news in stride. When shit happens they step over it.

And then there are the people who can't seem to avoid shit no matter where they step. They're surrounded by it. Drowning in it. Choking on it. Their entire existence is a world of shit and all they can do to make themselves feel better is tell you how shitty things are. Don't you LOVE these people?

Me neither. I recently thought about how much more I prefer hearing recommendations from people than complaints. Positive stories. Good ideas. Things I should try some day. Great experiences. Encouraging news.

So I decided to think positive - for a little while, anyhow.

Instead of investing my time listing all the products and experiences and companies and services to AVOID, I'm going to promote a few that exceeded my expectations.

For some reason I think it’s just easier for people to complain than to give praise. It seems more satisfying, somehow. Or less of a risk. Don't you LOVE when you recommend something you like and the person next to you rips into your recommendation with a story about how awful their experience was? Yeah, thanks for that. Sorry it RAINED the whole time you were in Maui. God obviously hates you. I had the time of my life.

I will confess that I do take a lot of pleasure in crafting written complaints. It's an opportunity for me to be creative. I imagine Roger Ebert takes some pleasure in completely trashing a movie – his negative reviews are always loaded with quality one-liners and painfully riotous insults. Yes, complaining can be fun…

Still, what’s the GOOD word?

In the short term, I'm going to try something a little different and share some POSITIVE experiences here. Recommendations. Product alternatives. New things to try. Experiences that made me smile and think, "This is something other people would enjoy, too."

So stay tuned, because in my next few posts I will be describing a handful of personal recommendations. You may not agree with them all, but they are my recommendations based on my experiences with companies that lived up to their end of the bargain…again, in my humble opinion.

In the mean time, if there’s a company, service, or product you would like to recommend here, please share. I'd love to hear the good word!

The Complaint Department, for the mean (spirited) time, is now closed.

THERE'S NO FREE CABLE IN THE GAME OF OLIGOPOLY

2009-08-10T19:12:00.008-05:00

It’s only a matter of time before people start asking the obvious question.

“Why in fuck’s garden am I paying $147 a MONTH to watch television?”

This is the question I asked myself a couple of weeks ago while adding up our household’s monthly expenses. Seems like just yesterday my cable bill was $35. How did we get here?

When did the cable bill feel more like a monthly shakedown? And why do we reflexively pay whatever they say it’s worth without questioning it? Because alternative would be anti-American!

Ours is a culture of connectedness. We love being in the know. Unplug that connection and we end up on the information fringe wondering what everyone else is talking about. The information fringe is not the most desirable place to be, unless you're moving to Idaho and swearing off human interaction altogether. In which case, your cable bill is likely the least of your problems.

The bottom line is, if you want to function socially in this society, you have to have access to some basic info-tainment. You have to have cable.

So we fork it over – month after coffer-draining month.

I don’t know about you, but my monthly cost mysteriously climbs a little higher with every statement. $114. $123. $142. $156. $177. Go back and look at yours over the past year. Upsy daisy!

When times are good and consumer confidence is soaring, we don’t really question highway robbery – we just stick our hands up in the air with a smile and say, “Take all you want, we’ll make more!”

But in tighter times, as our nation’s “hopeful” leader projects unemployment figures above 10% in the near term, more and more people are starting to think about what they’re getting for their money.

And for our cable money, I’d say we’re getting screwed.

CLUB CABLE IS ALL THE RAVE

It’s all there in black and white.

Your monthly statement outlines everything you “get” for price you are paying. But if you read between the line items you’ll see that the cable company is merely passing along someone else’s content…for a fee. And that fee – consistently my highest household bill – is established by two old, white businessmen making a $1 bet in the bathroom over how much they can charge us before we cancel. Thanks to our unhealthy obsession with information, Randolph and Mortimer Duke have us by the short and curlies.

CONSIDER THIS

Unlike every other utility bill you pay, cable costs are not based on how much TV you consume. You pay full price for it every month whether you use it or not. It doesn’t matter how many hours or channels you watch in a month, you will pay the same amount.

In essence, the cable fee is all about ACCESS. It’s the $20 cover charge you eagerly hand the doorman at the hot new nightclub. It’s a platter full of all-u-can-eat TV. It’s a front row seat on the couch.

And if you don’t like the price, don’t buy it. Right?

That’s certainly true in a competitive environment where other companies can step in and provide the same or similar service for less. Competition tends to be good for consumers because it forces companies to provide more for less.

But if you closely evaluate your options, you’ll see there’s very little competition in the cable market.

The cable industry is a classic example of an oligopoly, in which a few companies enjoy complete, unchecked control over an entire market.

If you want to stay connected via phone, television, or Internet, and depending on where you live, you have limited options.

Here I am in the nation’s third most populated metropolitan area and I have exactly TWO cable television options, and the most significant difference between them is the logo on their statement.

What about satellite?

The dish companies have taken considerable market share away from the cable companies in recent years, billing themselves as lower-cost alternatives to cable, but they live and die by the same, lucrative business model that charges a monthly access fee. You don’t buy the dish and call it a day…you have to SUBSCRIBE to a monthly SERVICE.

Make no mistake about it – satellite communications companies are part of the oligopoly.

But the news isn’t all bad. Here’s a look at the future:

http://bit.ly/xTygC

Companies like this one are probably why the cable companies are hell bent on raking it in hand over fist while they can. The captains of cable are no dummies. They see the writing on the wall, like oil barons panicking and price gouging before the green revolution takes hold.

MARKETING BRILLIANCE!

If you were in charge of marketing for one of these cable companies, you’d have a pretty big job. You’d have to convince people, somehow, that they’re getting a great value for all that money. And that’s not an easy task when folks like me are out here with a megaphone screaming, “Why in fuck’s garden are we paying all this money for cable??!?!?”

I mean, how would you talk otherwise rational people into making monthly payments of $150 for access to anything?

I’m in marketing, so I’ll tell you how.

BIG numbers in colorful fonts!

We’re trained to assume that prices MUST be good when they’re blown up huge on a postcard or in a newspaper ad. We’re bombarded by so many offers, we don’t have the time or attention span to focus on them all. We just trust that the offer MUST be good or why else would they be showing it off like it's the best deal since the Louisiana Purchase.

Out of curiosity, I recently went to Comcast.com and looked up their normal, non-promotional price for basic cable. BASIC cable. Not the expanded basic – just access to what they consider your “basic” channels. I found it in the small print.

$59.98 a month.

I was speechless. $60 a month for BASIC cable? How is that even remotely reasonable? Am I so out of touch with the cost of things that I don’t recognize real value anymore? This is their starting cost, remember – everything else is an add-on. The next tier. Premium channels. Converter box rental. DVR. HDTV. All extra.

Reality is obscured, of course, by the really big number in the colorful font:

$29.99/month!

Now THAT sounds reasonable. If only it were true.

CABLE IS NOT REALLY PRO-CHOICE

You do have choices when it comes to ordering cable service. You don’t have to order 450 channels, all the top tier pay channels, and the kitchen sink. You can scale it down to something a little more reasonable, like 250 channels and HBO.

What you CAN’T do is the one thing that you would like to do: pick your own line up. And it’s not because they can’t manage this from a technology standpoint – it’s because it would hammer their bottom line. This is how they make their money.

They disguise their packages as choices – but you really don’t have much of a choice.

We are forced to select an all-or-nothing “package” and pay a set cost, regardless of how much we watch. They call it a “service” fee. I don’t know what your experience has been with your cable company, but “service” is probably not the best word to describe that fee.

Even the most caffeinated and ADD-riddled among us have little use for the overwhelming number of channel options that come with these packages.

Sane people simply don’t have the need for 300 channels. Or 200. Or even 100 for that matter. In fact, if you took an audit of the programs you watch over the course of a week, you’d likely find that you watch around a dozen or so channels – give or take a few.

The Consumers Union recently reported, “The average household watches no more than a dozen to 17 channels.”

The rest of those channels are just noise, and nuisances you must flip past to get to the channels and programming you do want to watch.

If this is the case, why can’t we just pick the channels we actually watch and pay for those? How much are we paying for the OPTION to watch the other 288 channels?

BASIC CABLE MATH

Let’s say you get a promotional package that offers 300+ channels for $59.99. That comes to about .20 cents per channel per month. If you only watch 12 of them, that’s just $2.40 out of the $59.99 you’re paying. So you’re essentially paying $57.59 every month for the option to watch something else.

Deal or no deal? I don’t need to be a banker to know the answer to that one.

IN DEFENSE OF CABLE

To be fair, it’s important to acknowledge the relationship between cable channel producers (Disney, Fox, Viacomm, etc.) and the cable companies. The channel producers sell the rights to rebroadcast their content to the cable company, which then passes along that cost to us.

Guess what happens when a channel like, say, ESPN, starts enjoying a larger audience share? They assume their content is worth more and charge the cable company more money to offer it as part of their “basic” package.

And guess who ends up paying for that? YOU do. This is how basic cable gets jacked up to $60 month. I don’t know about you, but I think the cable channel producers are double-dipping. They take in ad revenue, airing commercials we are forced to endure…and then also charge cable companies for permission to carry their content. I declare shenanigans!

The cable companies contend bundling is the best way to provide maximum viewing options while keeping costs down. But as channels become more popular, the producers start bumping up their prices knowing the cable companies will pay because the demand is there. And the cable companies get blamed for the costs. They ought to use some of their oligopoly influence and stand up for consumers for a change. Tell those double-dipping producers to fly a kite.

WHY ARE THERE ADS ON CABLE TELEVISION?

Think about this for a second. Broadcast television has been free for decades.

FREE. No charge. Turn on your set and watch.

How is that possible?

Yes – ADVERTISING. Advertising dollars finance the development, production and broadcast of content, which is in turn leveraged to collect more advertising dollars, and so on and so forth. It’s a nice little system that makes complete sense because we can all see exactly how it works.

Content is free to us because advertisers pay for it. Maybe we watch their ads, maybe we don’t. But that’s the drawback to advertising: you can’t MAKE people watch or read your shit. You can only put it out there and hope.

As a creative advertising professional, it’s often been my challenge to develop compelling, relevant ads that resonate with people. This is how we support and sustain the cycle of free content.

Good ads work, and keep companies investing in the medium. But as ad dollars shift, the medium starts to fade. Look at what happened to the print news industry. Companies moved their marketing dollars online, primarily at the expense of newsprint. Without ad support, the medium stands on the verge of collapse, and desperately needs to change its communications ideology to reestablish consumer relevance if it is to remain a viable channel.

How does this relate to cable television? Well, there’s the free-content-supported by-advertising model…and then there’s another model.

HBO, believe it or not, surfaced in 1972. They had a different approach. Instead of offering free content supported by advertisers, they went straight to consumers and said: If you pay us directly, we’ll provide uninterrupted programming.

37 years later, they’re still alive and kicking – for two simple reasons:

1.) The content is good
2.) People are willing, when they’re able, to pay for it

And this just begs the question: Why should we pay to watch channels that are supported by advertising? Why aren’t advertising-supported cable channels free anymore, like they’ve always been?

TNT. Bravo. HGTV. VH1. The History Channel. They all sell commercial time to support the production and distribution of the content they broadcast. They’re on the “free” TV model, yet we pay for them like we do for channels that don’t have advertising. Why? Somewhere along the way the cable companies changed the rules on us and we didn’t notice.

STOCKPILE CABLE NOW!
Consider this. Cable is not a finite resource like the rest of the utilities you pay for. If you use more heat in the winter, you’re going to have a bigger bill because you’re consuming finite resources that someone else can’t use. Not so with cable.

The more television you watch does not leave less television for someone else.

If you use more gas, electricity, or water, you’re consuming resources that someone else can’t use – so individual usage is an important determining factor in establishing the cost.

With cable television, this is not the case. There’s a signal pumping 24/7 to your TV whether it’s on or not – and it’s not in danger of running out. There aren’t going to be rolling cable blackouts if too many people tune into American Idol at the same time. Your hometown isn’t going to announce “no cable” hours to conserve television. And you’re certainly not “wasting” cable if you let it run it overnight. Electricity, maybe...but not cable.

Cable isn’t a traditionally distributed commodity with a market value based on the amount we use versus the finite amount that is available. And that means the price of cable is almost completely arbitrary!

THE COST OF DELIVERING THE WORLD
We’re paying for unlimited access to a virtually unlimited resource – and that cost can be whatever the market will bear. Right now, the market is bearing a lot more than it needs to, in my humble opinion.

Why do we do it? Why do we let the cable companies fleece us repeatedly month after month? I understand there are hard costs associated with maintaining the infrastructure of the network. But what exactly are those costs?

Except in the case of a handful of local cable access channels, cable companies aren’t responsible for creating any of the programming content we watch on television. They just provide the connectivity – that magical switch they can flip without warning from a desk in Mumbai and shut you down instantly if you miss a payment. (Don’t ask me how I know that)

Many cable companies use independent contractors to fulfill their installation and service technician needs, while outsourcing their customer service and technical support needs to the Asian subcontinent because it’s marginally cheaper than employing your out-of-work cousin Glen. Maybe if Glen would quit smoking he wouldn’t be so damn expensive to insure. But now I digress…

The point is, what kind of operational and infrastructure maintenance costs are really required here?

It’s not hard to imagine a company like Comcast employing about 6 people here in the U.S. and running the entire operation out of the back of a pimped out van. What are they are physically providing in exchange for unlimited access to a virtually limitless resource? My home still has the same cables running to it we had last month. And the month before. And the month before that.

AN ALTERNATIVE THAT MAKES MORE SENSE
Why can’t cable companies bill us for what we use like the rest of the utility companies? Bill me per channel if you want. Or by the hour. At least then I can decide which channels, or which shows, to watch and pay for instead of paying for hundreds of channels that I never asked for, don’t want, and will never watch.

Then at least I would have some control over my monthly costs instead of the control I have now: $0 for no service, $60 for basic TV, $100 for expanded TV, $150 for God’s control room.

Let me build my own channel line-up. Or give me cable minutes like a cell phone plan. Give me some kind of a billing system that doesn’t make me feel like I’m getting mugged every month.

BUT WAIT – THERE’S MORE!
Reviewing my bill I also noticed that my cable company makes me pay to rent THEIR video converter boxes, which I need in order to receive their service. That’s like selling someone a car and making them pay extra for the keys...every time they drive it!

SO NOW WHAT?

Rest assured, the model will be changing again...thanks to the Internet, of course. There are already a handful of sites boasting free television through your computer – one of which I offered earlier.

In the same way that companies like Skype are offering FREE phone calls via the Internet (which really works, by the way), it’s only a matter of time before someone figures out a way to deliver the content we crave without the arbitrary and excessive costs meted out by the middle man and his double-dipping accomplices.

Until then, however, if we want inside Club Cable, we need to hand that cash to the man at the door...because the government is letting these clowns play unregulated in the oligopoly gardens.

CONFESSIONS OF A RETIRED SHITSLINGER

2009-07-22T09:07:00.004-05:00

I’m a shitslinger. There’s no way around it. I like to sling shit.

Literally – not figuratively, metaphorically, or otherwise.

Every time I tie up that little blue shit bag, weighted with the warm compact butt nuggets from our well-fed terrier mix, I think about winding that shit up and letting it fly.

Is that wrong? Is it, though?

Is it really?

Let me back up for a moment.

When I was 15, growing up in Chicago, I had a very important job. It was my household chore to walk to our family dog – a shepherd collie mix – down three flights of stairs every night, rain or shine, up and down the alley behind our house, until she finally found an agreeable place to plant her signature dogpile.

Some nights it would take her two minutes to find that perfect patch of gravelly heaven. Sometimes she’d sniff every split in the pavement, taking 20 minutes or more to identify a shitworthy canvass for those repug-nificent works of arse.

Only one thing was certain those nights – when she was done doing her business, I was in the shitslinging business.

Back then, they didn’t really have all of these fancy pile-sized "hand" bags that they do these days, so I had to follow her around with a crumpled up plastic grocery bag. Sometimes the bags had holes in them that you couldn’t see in the dim alley light at night, but you were sure to FEEL them if you squeezed the assfruit a smidge too hard.

For some reason, when you’re 15, it doesn’t occur to you that slinging shit is a bad idea. You don’t think about where it goes, or who’s going to clean it up later. You just know that it liberates you in some mysterious way. Nope - when you're 15 - slinging shit is a perfectly sane, sensible thing to do because...well, why not?

So when my canine companion would finally rise from that signature shit stance, kicking up stones and dust with her hind feet, I’d swoop in with my plastic falcon to swiftly extract the crap from the concrete. In a single motion, I’d deftly pull the bag handles forward, trapping the crap inside the bag, and tie the top into an awkward bunny-eared bow.

Making sure the coast was clear, I’d spin a couple times imagining I was an Olympic shitslinger going for the gold. Like a shot putter, or a discus thrower, I’d leverage the momentum of my rotating torso and let that turdpedo soar into the night sky - target unknown.

Most of the time I would lose sight of it, a muffled rustle somewhere in the distance confirming that my payload had found purchase, and almost wetting my pants with glee in the process.

My parents had no idea I was out slinging shit all over the neighborhood at night, until that fateful Spring morning. My mother screamed my name in a way I knew I had been discovered. I ran to meet her out on our third floor porch. We looked down from our perch at the maze of telephone lines and garbage cans in the back alley.

The snow outside had melted overnight after a long, cold winter, revealing a gloriously macabre sight.

All up and down the alley, for blocks in both directions, the garage rooftops were dotted with plastic bags of shit. They had frozen in place where they landed, night after night, most standing upright, the handles all tied in tight bows. At a glance, someone might have thought an airplane full of skinny white Easter baskets had airdropped its cargo all over the north side neighborhood.

There had to have been a hundred bags of thawing dog shit on those rooftops, if not more.

Somehow, my mother had me pegged for a shitslinger, because she knew in an instant that this work had my signature all over it. I could not deny it. I was laughing too hard. I was also grounded for months. And worse – my shitslinging days were all but over.

Flash forward to today and I find myself struck by the same impish urge to do something I now recognize is – more than simply mischievous – just plain wrong. Only now my juvenile urges are laced with an unhealthy dose of creativity.

As I walk the dog back home, I envision all the “fun” I could have with that tiny blue bag of dog shit.

I see the open sunroof of an expensive luxury car and I think, “Time is winding down...he drives, spins, fakes, pivots, fakes again, shoots...it's up and...he SCORES!!”

I notice an open window walking past a neighbor’s house at night and wonder how fast I would have to run to escape visual ID after pitching a plastic-wrapped pile of poop onto their dining room table.

I look at the mailboxes on the street corner and wonder if the post office would ever be able to return that shit to sender.

I see cyclists as moving targets. I see condo balconies as a chance to elevate my game. I see busy intersections as a crap shoot.

And I see garbage cans as joining the ranks of adulthood.

I know my wife, for one, is thankful I have thus far managed to silence the menace within, surrendering to adulthood night after night, and depositing those little blue bags in the trash where they belong.

But that doesn’t stop the shitslinger in me from dreaming. Because every time I tie up that little plastic bag, weighted with those warm compact nuggets from our well-fed terrier mix, the 15 year-old in me remembers the liberation I felt years ago from setting that shit free.

Sometimes you just gotta let shit go. It is, after all, the best way to know if that shit's gonna fly.

IT'S THE LOGO, STUPID

2009-06-24T14:02:00.003-05:00

My wife is getting a fleet car through work, so we've been looking to sell one of our other vehicles. The fleet car will be nice to have, even if it's not something we would have picked out ourselves.

Thinking it through, we understood that it's not mandatory we take the fleet car, but it just wouldn't make much sense to turn down a FREE car - free insurance, free gas, free tolls, free oil changes, free car washes...well, you get the point.

So, after about 14 seconds of deep consideration, I elected to say goodbye to my ivory pearl Infiniti G35 and hello to [crowd applauds excitedly] our brand new Ford Fusion!

[Crowd quickly quiets, soft whispers and groans continue]

Sexy, I know.

While I wasn't initially jazzed by the thought of parting with my sporty ride, I knew I would come to appreciate the financial benefit of freedom from car-related expenses. As you are likely aware, car costs can really add up - and getting rid of that steep monthly payment will be like finding cash in a paper bag on our doorstep every month (minus the sideways glances up and down the block as you spirit quickly back inside with the dough).

Still, there's been something about the Ford Fusion that hasn't exactly stirred up a whole lot of excitement in me. It's a brand new car, I keep telling myself. It's going to have a sunroof and play MP3 files and smell like heaven's foyer.

Why aren't I more excited about this?

I started noticing Ford Fusions on the road this week and thinking, "That's not so bad, is it?" And it really wasn't. In fact, sometimes I'd see a pretty sharp looking car and think, "I really like that car!" before realizing it was a Ford.

Funny how much something as small as a logo can influence our feeling about something.

And that's when it dawned on me. It's the brand, silly! The "Ford" name does not live in that part of my brain where I store all of the cool stuff, like "iPhone," "Banana Republic," and, "Infiniti."

Why is that? How did Ford end up in the anti-cool bin? Out of curiosity, and while I was waiting for the longest red light in the world to turn green, I began a thought exercise in which I mentally replaced the Ford logo - that hideous, outdated script font inside a blue oval - with an Infiniti logo.

BAM! Just like that, the "Infiniti" Fusion was one sweet-ass set of wheels.

I immediately wondered if the folks at Ford had figured this out yet - that they could probably increase sales among key American demographics (i.e. people who buy cars) simply by replacing their logo with a new symbol of some kind. Sure, there's brand equity in that logo...but with what demographic? And aren't those people too old to drive anyhow?

This is the power of branding, as they say. So much of the focus in marketing over the past 15 years has been on building strong brands so that people recognize you and know what you're all about. But what happens when people recognize you and associate you with "inferior, uncool product"?

I personally don't dislike the Ford brand - I just don't FEEL like driving any of their cars when I see that logo.

When I see a BMW, Audi, or Acura logo, on the other hand, my eyes turn green and I start salivating. Slap one of those logos on a rusty tractor and I'm sold...because the feeling I get when I see those brands makes me want to drive whatever it is they're putting on the road.

I recently read that one of the keys to companies turning around the American automaker market will be building better products that people want. But I'm in marketing, and the fact is there are a lot of people out there who don't know what they want until someone tells them. Product is only one of the 4 P's.

In my opinion, the recovery is going to require a major reprogramming of a few brand platforms until labels like Chevy and Ford no longer trigger a sensation of nausea. They need to become symbols of innovation, evolution, and rebirth.

From the ashes, a phoenix rises. A Phord Phoenix.

If I'm in charge of Ford, I start with the logo. Right now. That logo is toast. It's time for a 21st century look for a 21st century carmaker. I've been told that the 2010 Fusion is actually a decent machine, but too many people (like me) won't be able to see past that logo.

And come to think of it, the Ford name should probably go, too.

How about Fjord, instead? That has a nice European sound to it, no? The 2010 Fjord Fjusion is one sleek and sexy ride.

I'M SOLD!

I would like to close this post with a wee bit of Brady wisdom for the brand executives at Ford.

As Peter and the other Brady kids once belted out, "When it's time to change you've got to rearrange...move your heart to what you're gonna be."

So what are you gonna be?

THE TWITTER STAMPEDE

2009-06-18T09:47:00.003-05:00

Interactive advertising "Admaven" Nicholas Kinports says "Everybody Hates Social Media." It's a good post that discusses some observations in the marketplace regarding trends in the promotion of social media marketing.

I replied to his post with my observations, and build upon them here for further discussion.

**********************
RE: Everybody Hates Social Media

I sense that a lot of companies and clients are just now becoming curious about social media marketing because the traditional media din has been deafening. CNN reports, newsprint articles, and online columns have been hammering the business community with forecasts for a “new age” in marketing where consumers are calling the shots – and social media is the best/only way to reach them.

This has a lot of marketing folks scrambling to take action fast, so as not to get left behind. But in the rush to Twitter and Facebook, I think they’re missing out on something fundamental to marketing of any kind: strategic planning. First, many are simply new to the idea and don’t yet fully understand the potential value in social media marketing. I would recommend these people become familiar with its nuances on a personal level so they can identify potential business applications for the medium. Having someone explain to you how it works can only produce a dim glimmer in the lightbulb above your head.

Second, once there is a better understanding of how people interact in these popular communities, I think there must be time set aside for the development of a coherent plan and strategy for integrating social media efforts with existing and planned initiatives across channels. In other words, you can't just start Twittering and expect a return on the investment. You have to strategically build it into the mix.

I don’t personally hate social media, but I do believe ubiquitous media coverage is inciting an online stampede of well-intended marketers destined to get it all wrong. Like anything, taking the time to get it right, which can also mean spending the money, can pay huge dividends down the road.

EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT SURVIVING THE RECESSION I LEARNED WATCHING SURVIVOR

2009-05-08T09:30:00.002-05:00

Even while there are signs the economy is improving, the job market is anticipated to be among the last to rebound. That means continued job hemorrhaging is likely in the months ahead. As companies of all sizes look for ways to cut costs but cutting people, I look to Survivor (as I so often do) for some tips to avoid the chopping block.

Here are the Top 10 Survivor tips for surviving the recession:

10.) MAKE FRIENDS – Nobody likes the grumpy guy who complains about everything and never goes out drinking with the crew. If you’re bad for morale, you’re an easy cut. Play nice with others and you’ll make it to the final nine.

9.) CATCH FISH OR MAKE FIRE – Be valuable. Even the most adored contestants wear their welcomes thin by lazing about. In business as in Survivor, your special skills will get you every bit as far, if not farther, than your personality.

8.) WIN CHALLENGES – If you want layoff immunity, you’re going to have to fight for it and there are plenty of everyday workplace challenges that will give you an opportunity to shine. Be the first one in every morning. Fill up the paper tray. Run that presentation to Kinko’s at the 11th hour. If someone’s going home, it won’t be you.

7.) FLY UNDER THE RADAR – Use discretion. Don’t leave your resume laying on the photocopier. Stop humming obscure showtunes in your cube. Log out of your Facebook account when you break for lunch so people don’t see that you’re “hardly working again – I love my job.” Shower. The obnoxious players who stick out as oddballs or anti-establishment are always among the first to get the boot.

6.) FORM AN ALLIANCE – Stay close to the office untouchables to become untouchable yourself. Buddy up at lunch. Carpool. Walk to the train. Get to know and trust key people and you’ll have extra ears and eyes to alert you when the whispering begins. You’ll also have advocates and allies to defend your reputation at senior leadership's tribal council.

5.) KNOW THE PLAN – How many times have we seen the Survivor folks smugly strutting about camp just hours before getting the axe? They feel safe and invincible in their naïveté, but the fact is if you don’t know what the plan is, you’re probably not part of it. Get involved, stay active, and don’t take your position for granted.

4.) LEAD AND FOLLOW – Strike a balance between teamwork and leadership. It’s good to follow direction, but order-takers are easily replaced. You need to show initiative, too. Step up your efforts and prove your ideas have merit. Just don’t come on too strong because nobody likes a bossy barker. Congratulations – you just made top 3.

3.) SHARE YOUR REWARDS – Generosity can take you a long way – in Survivor and in life. You definitely want people saying nice things about you behind your back. When you receive credit or praise for a job well done, make sure to acknowledge the support of your co-workers, and the expert guidance of your superiors.

2.) HUMILITY OVER HUBRIS – If you’re among the fortunate few to make it to the end, there’s one final hurdle to clear: your peers. Remember all those coworkers you lied to, misled, and stabbed in the back to keep your job? Don’t brag about how smart you are for outlasting them all. Acknowledge their misfortune, be sympathetic to their plight, and win them over with your character. You’ll gain votes of confidence from these people for life.

1.) THE GAME EVENTUALLY ENDS – This is important to keep in mind wherever you go and whatever you do. Some people feel like it’s the end of the world when they hear those dreaded words: “Corporate has spoken…it’s time to go home. Grab your stuff.” But NOTHING is permanent in today’s business world. The marketplace is in constant flux, so if you’re not the sole survivor this time, take your experience down the street and apply to be on the Apprentice.

THE CONCEPT GARDEN

2009-05-02T09:46:00.001-05:00

So often in advertising we talk about "the big idea." It's the traditional brainstorm session kickoff question: What's the big idea? What is the concept that's going to sell this product or service? What is the angle here? How are we going to get noticed? What's going to make people say, "Aha! I totally get it...that's cool"?

In my experience, the big idea always starts out as a page or two of small ideas. Silly ideas. Stupid ideas. Ridiculous ideas that "they'll never go for." One of those ideas, of course, becomes the big idea.

I've always been the idea guy. Working at small creative agencies my whole career, I've been responsible for coming up with thousands of ideas. Television and radio concepts. Dimensional direct mail campaigns. One-off print ads. Outdoor campaigns. Promotional themes. Interactive presentations. Communications and contact strategies.

Most of my ideas were never executed. That's just the way it works. And the ones that ARE executed are seldom the best ones - at least in my humble opinion. But that doesn't matter so long as clients are pleased with the creative product, and that they work - driving awareness, interest, desire, and action. It is all about client satisfaction, after all. In that sense, the "best" idea is the one the client buys.

When a good idea doesn't work, it's seldom the fault of the creative. It's usually under-funded, watered down, or paired with a poor list. A lot of clients don't understand that about creative marketing. Just because you have a great idea doesn't mean it's going to work. It needs to be supported financially. That means spending the money to have it professionally produced and properly promoted. The integrity of the concept needs to be protected. That means resisting the urge to make sweeping, often unnecessary changes that compromise the appeal and effectiveness of the idea. And a good idea needs to be paired with sound marketing data. That means having a clean customer list, a solid media strategy, and/or the benefit of current market research to give your good idea a great chance to connect with your top prospects.

Coming up with a big idea can take 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, or 5 weeks. It's hard to provide a reliable estimate since it's impossible to know how long it will take. When I'm about to start a project, people ask me, "So, when do you think we'll have something to look at?" The answer, of course, is sometime between now and never. I usually error on the side of now. It's better for business. But clients always want a firm date, so I give them one as a stake in the ground. Still, it's important to recognize that building ideas is not like building a deck. You're not assembling material pieces in the physical world. You're trying to herd thoughts as they run wild in your imagination. It's not like picking up lumber at Home Depot.

If the stars align properly, I may just stumble upon something brilliant before lunch. If my creativity is blocked, on the other hand, it could be a few days before I have anything to share. That's the nature of the work. I always have something, though. Even if I know it's not the world's greatest concept, I know it will be effective. And that's the line we have to walk sometimes: profitability in the creative department is often the difference between good and good enough.

Which is tough for me because I'm a perfectionist. At least when it comes to creative ideas. I am never satisfied with my concepts and usually spend way more time than the budget allows for in concept creation development. Creative thinking is the fun part, and I like presenting options. My approach is to come up with as many ideas as I can instead of focusing in on one or two. I've found that it's not safe to get attached a couple of ideas - you need to start with a handful of solid possibilities and let the cream rise to the top. Plus, you need to pump out a few mediocre concepts before you can get to the really good stuff.

The final phase is collaboration. This is where you gather people in a room (or on the phone) to brainstorm. We talk ideas. We discuss options. We consider alternatives. We play things out in our minds. We vote. We marry concepts. We eliminate the impossible and the ridiculous. We vote again. The collaboration process eventually gives birth to what will become the big idea. It is still an infant at this stage. It needs nourishment and a lot of attention. But before you know it, there it is: the big idea.

If you ever need a big idea, I recommend starting with a page or two of small ideas. Silly. Stupid. Ridiculous. This is where big ideas begin, planted small in the fertile fields of an endless concept garden.

DUMBEST GAME EVER ALSO A LOT OF FUN

2009-04-06T07:59:00.003-05:00

The following is a review of the dice game "LCR" I posted on Amazon earlier this week. In case you haven't picked up your set yet, I thought I would advise...

Dumbest Game Ever Also a Lot of Fun, April 6, 2009

Durability: 5.0 out of 5 stars
Fun: 4.0 out of 5 stars
Educational: 1.0 out of 5 stars

This game requires so little brainpower it may be possible to play in your sleep...or possibly while driving (but you didn't read that here).

If you're looking for something challenging, strategic, or mind-bending, this is NOT it. LCR ranks right up there with "War" for the most mindless recreational games of all time.

That said, the game can also be a lot of fun *IF* you play it with something besides the thin plastic wafer chips that come with the game. I would NEVER advocate gambling with your children, but we do find that if you substitute pocket change for the chips (quarters work best, not surprisingly), the level of interest and excitement skyrockets. Incidentally, if you are playing with adults, a currency less round has the similar effect.

As it happens, games of skill and strategy are fun to play in and of themselves, and on the merit of besting someone at something - outwitting, or outperforming a competitor. Games of chance, however, are only fun if there's a "chance" you will lose your shirt...or potentially win someone else's, which, as those of us who have ever been to Las Vegas know all too well, is less often the case.

A normal LCR game functions like this: You roll the special dice, reallocate your "chips" based on the roll, and pass the dice to the next person who does the same. There are no strategic decisions to make. There are no game-altering "reverses" or "switch chips with the person on your left" commands or cards to add interest. Only three dice and a series of reallocation rolls. I imagine government money is distributed in the same fashion.

So how do you win? One of the sides of the dice has a big "C" on it. This stands for for Center. The L and the R, as you may have guessed, stand for Left and Right. Eventually, after the dice have taken a number of tours around the table, all of the "chips" will end up in a big pile in the center. The last person left with a chip/coin/finski wins the middle pile. There are a number of variations on this simple theme, but I'm sure you get the gist of it. Roll and do what the dice tell you to.

There are no decisions to make, only rules to follow, so the game is essentially a dumbed-down crap shoot. It's not educational in the least, if that is important to you, but perhaps for the simple lesson that, if you are playing with "chip" substitutes, you may learn that games of chance don't usually end well. In fact, most of the people at the table end up losing. I suppose there is something to be learned from that if your children are using their own money. But we usually end up bankrolling our kids, which ends up bankrupting us after a couple of rounds.

If the game doesn't sound all that exciting from this review, I apologize for the lackluster tone. I personally prefer games of strategy and skill to games of chance. Still, LCR is a wonderful way to get the family all gathered around a table for a couple of hours of laughter and togetherness. Some people really get anxious toward the end, screaming on every toss as the final chips are making their way to the center pile. The people you play with will determine whether this is a fun game, and the people we play with make it so every time. Plus, I'm usually pretty self-medicated on cheap red by the time we break out the LCR, so it ends up being about the perfect speed.

For the relatively low price of the dice, you get hours of mindless family fun in a portable plastic tube. Definitely worth the investment in my book, and worth a closer look. If you're interested, you can buy them online - just run a search on Amazon or Google for "LCR." They're also available in a number of specialty games stores.

DON'T BE HATIN'

2009-02-15T10:20:00.002-06:00

I used to love reading The Drudge Report. There was just something about it.

It looked and felt markedly different than the traditional news media outlets, and I liked that. It had this underground, organic appeal that made me feel like I was special somehow...privy to insider information. Silly, I know, considering the website is one of the most widely visited pages on the Internet.

For me, for years, The Drudge Report was the quickest way to download the daily zeitgeist, and I was addicted to its easy-access format. I just loved the way the news was laid out…a single page, loaded with links, each custom-crafted headline contributing to a real-time commentary on the world. And that trademark black, bold headline in the center of the stark white page with a single photo calling attention to biggest breaking news story.

Yes, I used to love Drudge. *sigh*

These days, the site’s primary focus, as far as I can tell at a glance, which is all I can manage to give Drudge these days, is the pernicious denigration and humiliation of the Obama Administration.

And Obama hasn’t done anything yet!

He hasn’t had the time in office to eloquently mispronounce common words. He hasn’t had the occasion to treat our nation’s most sacred documents with contempt and disregard. He hasn’t invested the energy in defouling our reputation abroad. He hasn’t committed American blood and billions to the preemptive invasion of non-threatening sovereign nations. He simply hasn’t earned the disrespect Drudge shamelessly dishes day after nauseating day.

For heaven's sake, the man hasn't even choked on a pretzel.

All he DID do was win an election. And not by a small amount.

Ever since, and in fact for months leading up to his election and subsequent inauguration, Drudge's carefully written headlines have mocked the popular politician's every step in Washington, in a way we would have expected them to mock our previous President – a man who truly earned, and history may decide DESERVED, the sharp criticism he received.

Yes, the agenda is clear. To promote disdain for the progressive. To promote distrust of populism. To execute a smear campaign one headline at a time – each spitefully crafted phrase promoting a subtext of disharmony and a spirit of divisiveness.

All of the bitching and moaning is unbecoming of Drudge. And, frankly, from someone who had considered himself a fan and loyal follower, I find it a little embarrassing. I used to browse the Report with enthusiasm. These days I am almost too ashamed to keep it in my bookmarks toolbar. It no longer represents me, or the world I want to live in.

What has Obama done but inspired millions of uninspired Americans? What has he done but made history by overcoming great odds and cultural adversity? What has he done but pledged to defend the widely cherished democratic beliefs that have been silenced for too long? What has he done but risen to the occasion – to act with swiftness in addressing our nation’s most destabilizing economic crisis since the great depression?

Don't take my word for it. I encourage you to judge for yourself. Visit Drudge now. See what Drudge is calling “news” these days. See what millions are digesting as the same. Headlines about Obama bumping his head on Air Force One, promoting socialism, controlling the media, and being an elitist.

What does it benefit America to hope for our President’s failings at a time we as a people are failing? Failing to make the grade. Failing to become energy independent. Failing to hold corporate entities accountable for the havoc they have wreaked on the working class. Failing to afford basic health care to all Americans. Failing to recognize that in helping those who need help, we are also helping ourselves. After eight years of failed leadership, why wish and hope for more?

Instead of becoming a mouthpiece of hatred and malcontent, Drudge, I would have you deeply consider the words of a man whose positive ideals and values changed the course of human history: Mahatma Gandhi.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Be a force for good. Promote the positive. Sell success. Tell the story of our common struggles - those we all must overcome.

Or, at the very least, in the urban parlance of our trying times, give us all a break and for Criminy's sake, man, “Don’t be hatin’.”

THIS DEAD HORSE IS HARD TO BEAT

2009-02-09T08:21:00.002-06:00

I often wonder who sits around and comes up with these modern day e-mail parables. I get a handful of them every week and some are pretty damn amusing, like the one I'll share today. Thanks to Robert Earl for sending my way.

*************

The Dead Horse

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked,"What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out."

WELL THAT'S NEWS TO ME!

2009-02-03T13:30:00.004-06:00

A new “blogging” newspaper has a lot of traditional journalists and news industry folks riled up – and for good reason. It stands to challenge the entire concept of what constitutes a newspaper. Or even – dare I suggest it – news itself!

If you haven’t heard about it yet, there’s a new print publication called “THE PRINTED BLOG.” It launched in Chicago and San Francisco a few weeks ago as, for now, a weekly roundup of stories and columns harvested from the Internet and printed for your browsing pleasure on paper.

Yes, someone is actually distributing WEB content in newspaper format. That’s so daringly against-the-grain it's news in and of itself.

As a proud contributor to the inaugural issue of THE PRINTED BLOG, I feel obliged to clear the air a bit in regard to what some might consider the generous use of the term “newspaper” in describing a publication like this one. And I’d like to start by asking a simple question.

What IS news?

It is likely safe to say that most people think of news as the information they read in the newspaper, or the stories they hear about on the nightly, ahem, news.

But just because you put syrup on something, doesn’t make it pancakes. I’m not entirely sure what I mean by that, either – but it has a nice ring to it. Bear with me for a moment, I’m blogging here.

News isn’t news because it’s on the nightly news or printed in a newspaper. News is the CONTENT – the information that is, in essence, “new” to you. And news can arrive in many forms.

News can be delivered by a friend over the phone, as in: “Did you hear the good news? Jack IS the father!”

News can come by way of a stranger in person:“Bad news, man. We ran out of the strawberry frosted ten minutes ago.”

News can be silent. No news is good news, as they say. Especially in places like the Middle East where news is too often accompanied by a body count.

And if you happen to hear about something twice, well, that’s OLD news.

Print newspapers and the nightly news shows are merely VEHICLES for delivering information, but over decades have become synonymous with “news.” What we’ve seen in recent years is a steady decline in readership and ratings thanks to the immediate and constant availability of information online. It’s simply an easier, faster way to access information you want.

You don’t have to wait for your morning paper or the news at 11 to find out what’s going on in the world. You have only to click and browse, at your convenience, any of myriad “news” resources. And that’s been bad news for the print newspaper industry in particular.

Still, traditional newspaper publications are far from obsolete. I, for one, still pay to have the Chicago Tribune delivered to my front doorstep each morning. I use it to browse car ads when I’m in the market, find local sales, read the amusing opinions of outspoken sports columnists, clip coupons, fill out crossword puzzles and sudoku grids, skim headlines for items of interest, and admire the photography.

I also use the newspaper to soak up slush from my winter boots, pack glassware for safer transport, cover my tabletop for messy projects like gutting pumpkins, and to commemorate special dates in history, such as the election of our nation’s first African-American president.

For me – and millions of other subscribers – the newspaper experience isn’t about getting news. It’s about the paper itself. It’s about the collection of rituals that make subscribing still worth it. It's about the act of holding and opening and folding over pages.

For my news fix, I have a dozen or so favorite websites bookmarked for up-to-the-minute updates on the world. By the time I pull the morning paper out of its plastic sheath, I’m usually well briefed on the day’s happenings.

When Founder of THE PRINTED BLOG, Josh Karp, first told me he was creating the “Newspaper for the next hundred years,” I winced. Blogs are hardly newsworthy, at least in the way we think about news. Too many blogs are jumbled, grammatically challenged ramblings of people channeling their energies in unproductive ways. But not all blogs. Some blogs are insightful, entertaining, intriguing, enlightening, and informational.

Perhaps most importantly, the content is NEW. It's fresh. It's unlike anything else the MSM is promoting these days. I just saw the same story on the midday news that I heard in the car on the way to work, the same story I read online earlier this morning that will be covered in the paper I'll open when I get home tonight. Ho hum.

News is everywhere, and it's largely the SAME. THE PRINTED BLOG may not be considered news by traditional standards, but it sure is new. And if it's new...well, that's news to me.

Karp is probably the last person to call the content for his publication “news.” He refers to it, simply, as content. Because he sees the newspaper for what it truly is, and that’s whatever people choose to do with it. The medium, you see, is the message.

This observation is not beside the point, because the publication's model calls for an unprecedented level of reader engagement in the not-so-distant future: self-selection of content by community, facilitated online, and replicated all over the country for a custom publication unlike any other.

It may not deliver what many would consider news, but THE PRINTED BLOG is definitely a newspaper. It delivers the experience of physical interaction with information, much of which will be “new” to the reader.

Will it follow AP style and aspire to uphold traditional journalistic standards? Not likely. This is, after all, the first print publication dedicated to capturing the essence of the wild, wild, web. In case you haven’t noticed, standards are a little different online. Not lower, necessarily. Just different. I’m not a huge fan of the abandonment of punctuation, but then many consider Joyce’s syntax-challenged “Ulysses” a thought-provoking work of art. Like THE PRINTED BLOG, it is what people say it is.

I have just one final note for journalism's old guard. Look closely at the word “journalism” and you’ll find it starts with a peculiar word – Journal. Defined, a Journal is quite simply “a diary: a daily written record of (usually personal) experiences and observations.”

Sure sounds like a blog to me.

I do understand the misnomer of “newspaper” may not work for some, but the term is much broader than the delivery of presumed-objective content subjectively deemed important by editorial organizations with established beliefs and opinions about the world. In fact, I might submit that THE PRINTED BLOG is closer to the soul of true journalism than anything broadcast on the Fox News Channel. That's in my humble opinion, of course. Or, I should say, in the parlance of our age, imho.

This newspaper is about giving people what they want.

Choices. Flexibility. Relevance. Entertainment. Information. A vehicle for self-expression.

It's also a snapshot of the zeitgeist.

The way I see it, if the content is interesting and relevant, the paper easy to carry and share, and I can gut a pumpkin on it, count me in.

HOW TO STOP BADVERTISING

2009-02-02T11:04:00.003-06:00

On the heels of advertising's biggest day (Super Bowl Sunday!), I wanted to share a little insight regarding the process.

Our clients do not make it easy, as illustrated in this classic clip. Sometimes a bad ad isn't the advertiser's fault. Most of the time, in fact, bad advertising is a function of how the client relationship works. They're cutting the checks, after all.

This clip is billed as a parody, but it's "spot on." Captures the aggravating nuances of an industry on the border of art and science.

WATCH IT HERE.

IN TRANSITION

2009-02-02T09:52:00.001-06:00

SUPERB BOWL COMMERCIALS

2009-02-02T08:14:00.002-06:00

In case you missed any of the action last night, here's a link to the Super Bowl ads.

It's thorough, and they're graded. I tend to agree with the assessments here. Overall, a rebound for the advertising industry compared to recent years. There were a number of real winners. My favorites were Bud Light's man flying out of the office window, the Teleflora flowers spot, Cars.com's well crafted story, and Doritos' crystal ball.

As for the game, I am still in shock that the NFL would allow that game to expire without reviewing that final turnover, which was clearly an incomplete pass. But that missed call was the punctuation mark on an overall poorly officiated game. One Steelers drive was buoyed by three personal foul calls, two of which fall into the "this game couldn't possibly be fixed, could it?" category.

No, I don't believe in conspiracies like that. But then, how can the replay booth not take a look at a critical, pivotal final turnover with just :15 left in the game?

FAIL.

HORES WHISPERING

2009-01-26T12:06:00.001-06:00

Thanks to Ed (among others) for passing along this reminder that spelling matters.

THE BITTER COLD

2009-01-15T12:05:00.003-06:00

You know what? It’s cold outside.

Big whoop.

That’s life, people. Sometimes it’s hot. Sometimes it’s cold. And sometimes you step outside in your boxer shorts to get the paper and think, “This is nice.”

Everywhere you turn the story is all about the weather. Coldest in a decade. Sub-zero temperatures. Brutal windchills drop to 30 below. Windburn. Frostbite. Hypothermia!

So what are we going to do? Stay inside?

No! Say it with me.

We’re going to put on our hats and gloves – just like we would if it were 10 degrees. Or 20. Or 30. Or 40, some of us. And we’re going to man up (or woman up, as the case may be). We’re going to shovel off our stairs. We’re going to scrape off our windshields. We’re going to get on with life.

If the news media weren’t reporting that it was so cold outside, do you know what you’d do? You’d put on more clothes. Somehow, we know when to put on more clothes. Like the native American Indians living in the northern plains for centuries knew to bundle up when that Arctic wind would come rolling through with a wintry vengeance, we know.

People have been living with cold for a long time. This is not the first time it has been cold. In fact, I seem to remember it being pretty damn cold in the not so distant past – a period historians are now referring to as LAST WINTER.

Cold weather in winter is not news. WARM weather in winter would be news. Then you’d have all these climate “experts” on television talking up global warming and citing the weather as evidence of a trend toward impending disaster. No one’s giving airtime to those cats these days, and they probably wouldn’t want it. Hard to pitch the dangers of melting ice caps with ice chunks stuck in your eyelashes.

For the record, I do believe in global warming.

But I also believe in global cooling. And right, now, this spot of the globe is definitely cooling. I don’t need meteorologists, special interest groups, news media, or even a thermometer to tell me that. All I need is to walk out onto my front porch in my boxers to get my paper.

“Nope…this is NOT nice. This is ice."

Better double up on the socks today.

GREAT MOMENTS IN HUMAN CREATIVITY

2009-01-15T11:29:00.007-06:00

This is what a little creativity can do for your next party.

That's a cake under there. A moist, delicious cake.

Who wants the first piece?

I love the touches here. Sifter shovel spatula. Plastic bag wrapped around the cake. Cut out life-sized image of a startled cat. Melted Tootsie Rolls, finessed ever-so-gently to dangle like fecal sludge over the edges.

This is a well-executed masterpiece. A true triumph in human creativity.

***
Thanks to the Harris Wheel for sharing this glorious box of treats.

THE 25 YEAR OLD BRAIN

2009-01-10T14:55:00.003-06:00

Here's a fun one. It's a brain game that will tell you the age of your brain based on how well you can perform a simple task.

It's in Japanese, so use these instructions:

1. Touch 'start'

2. Wait for 3, 2, 1.

3. Memorize the number's position on the screen, and then click the circle from the smallest number to the biggest number.

4. At the end of game, the computer will tell you the age of your brain.

It will drive you apeshit.

Age of my brain?

25

Beat that, loser!

****************

(Thanks to GC for passing this one along!)

TEFLON MUSINGS OF THE WELL INTENDED

2009-01-05T09:35:00.003-06:00

Some of my most enlightening moments come on weekday mornings around 7:58am.

I am always in the car. Sometimes I haven’t even managed a shower yet. I’m seldom more than a mile or two off from the house. It’s usually cold.

And then, suddenly, there it is again – that moment of revelation.

It’s not a light bulb going on so much as it is a dimmer switch briefly turning brighter before rotating back into the dark of my subconscious.

You may be wondering – what’s so special about this particular time? Why in the few minutes before 8am on weekday mornings would anyone so routinely encounter epiphany? This must be hyperbole, right?

Well, these just happen to be school days. And at 7:58 in the morning I am usually taking alleys, short cuts, and trivial risks on the road in an attempt to get Harrison to school on time.

It is also during this brief window that I am learning from an 8-year-old things about myself – things, perhaps, I knew once but forgot.

These are my conversations with Harrison.

*****************

“Do you know what a New Year’s Resolution is?”

“No,” he hummed in between bars of a song that has been playing in his head since October.

“Really? You’ve never heard anyone talk about a New Year’s Resolution?”

“Well, maybe. Not really.”

I decided to bait him a little bit. “Oh. Wow. Hmmm. Surprising.” He hummed a bit more, then took the bait.

“Why? What’s a resolution?”

“Oh – well. You know how New Years is the start of a whole new year, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, this is the time of year that a lot of people decide to look at their life and make changes. They imagine how their life could be better, and then make a promise to themselves to make it happen.”

“Like how?”

“Like a lot of people, for example, would like to be in better shape. So they promise they will exercise more or eat healthier.”

“Oh yeah – like Uncle B.”

“Right. So, if you had to make a resolution for yourself, now that we are looking at a whole new year – what would it be?”

“I think I should read better. Just focus more,” he said, as if without much thought. But I could tell he had already been thinking about it. We each know what we need to work on.

“Wow. That’s a great resolution," I said. "Did someone tell you to say that or did you just come up with that yourself?”

“I came up with it.”

“Well, I think that’s a great resolution because that’s something you have complete control over. If you focus more on your reading, you WILL be better at it. That’s how it works.” He grew quiet, thinking about it. I decided to change gears and build on the momentum of this discussion before he changed his mind and elected to master the Wii instead.

“That was such a great resolution,” I said, “Maybe you can come up with one for me.”

“I think you should eat better,” he said, almost without hesitation.

“What does THAT mean?” I offered with a smile, glancing back in my rear view mirror.

“It means eat healthier foods.”

“Like what?”

“Like no more pork!” he said insistently, expecting I might fight back. I’ve been ardently promoting the merits of pork for a long time in defense of my affinity for the versatile Western delicacy. He knows I love pork. But he also knows I have high cholesterol. It would make an awesome bowling score, I once explained – but it’s not such a great score for cholesterol.

“Yeah – that’s probably a good idea,” I said. And then the dimmer switch in my mind turned up brightly.

I pulled up the curb outside the schoolyard and wished Harrison a good day as he hurriedly unclicked the seat belt.

And there it was. The New Year’s Resolution defined in my own words. A promise we make to ourselves. A vision of the future worth working toward. And the resolution is simply our conscious decision to go for it.

But we all know what happens to New Years resolutions.

They’re too often abandoned, and too soon forgotten. It dawned on me that I couldn’t remember a single New Years resolution I have ever made. We sure do like to dream, I thought. It’s easy to imagine ourselves in that Hollywood version of the future. But unless we make necessary life changes, resolutions are Teflon-coated musings of the well intended.

They’ll never stick.

And yet, the power to change is entirely within us. We CAN become that person we want to become – if we commit to it. If we give our resolution the time and effort it deserves. Then, perhaps, we wouldn’t be so quick to forget them.

And so I considered what it would mean to let go of pork. Not because I was seriously considering it, but just to weigh the sacrifice against the potential reward. Actually, I thought, there are a lot of other foods I could eat. I could probably live without bacon if I needed to. And ham. And sausage. And chops. And loin. And…

And now the list was starting to look a little ridiculous. Quitting pork cold turkey would be a tall order. So I decided I would follow Harrison’s lead instead and declared my resolution was to read better.

Labels, that is. Food labels.

Yes, this year I decided I am going to pay closer attention to what I eat by reading better. I’m going to avoid foods high in saturated fats, total fat, and “bad” cholesterol.

And I’m going to see if I can get that cholesterol level down to a less-respectable bowling score…even if I have to strike some pork from my diet to do it.

It's a promise I'll make to myself - and I know that if I don't keep it, I may never be able to trust myself again. And if I can't trust myself, who CAN I trust? Well, besides the 8-year-old in the backseat.

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR?

2008-12-31T12:59:00.005-06:00

I like the holiday season. I really do.

The weather turns brutally cold, people forget how to drive, night falls at 4:30 in the afternoon, and people become generally more irritable and depressed.

What’s not to like?

Seriously, though. I really do enjoy the holiday season. I think most people do, despite our perennial complaints about last minute shopping madness, gridlock, erratic and miserable weather, nauseating holiday music, and creepy uncles.

It's okay, we’ve all got one.

Aside from providing an excuse to spend money we don't have, the holidays serve another, more vital purpose for those of us in colder climates. They help break up the dismal monotony of a lonely season spent primarily indoors.

Between the bitter arctic chill, short gray days, and long dark nights, winter is a naturally depressing time of year. But that stretch of holiday madness between the week of Thanksgiving and the week of New Years keeps us so preoccupied we barely have time to focus on these naturally occurring discomforts.

Nope – during the holiday season, most of our discomforts are entirely man-made.

Why?

WHY are we so wrapped up in ourselves this time of year? Why do people experience mall rage and family overload? Why do people dread the holidays, for lack of a more dreadful word.

This is supposed to be a time of peace and joy. A time to celebrate long-held traditions. A time to honor the birth of Hayes Zeus if you’re Christian, guerilla warfare if you’re Jewish, or the fruits of Capitalism if you’re uncommitted. At least according to Wikipedia.

Yet for so many of us the holidays represent a painfully difficult time of year. Why is that?

It’s really not so much a mystery when you consider the annual convergence of holiday-related stresses. Together, these fretful forces tangle and swell to become the perfect holiday storm…through which our tiny vessels must sail year after grueling year. This week I'd like to explore a few of the specialized stresses common to the holiday experience.

Do any of these sound familiar?

THE WORKPILE
You’re about to enjoy a nice slice of Christmas ham when you suddenly remember the huge report that’s due the day after Christmas…and you haven’t even started yet!

Talk about stress.

How can I possibly focus on the flavor of that savory swine, paired with a curiously spiced holiday wine, if I'm suddenly consumed with all those career commitments on the back burner?

We’re a nation of hard working people. It’s hard to turn that off – or to give ourselves permission to, anyway. The holiday season presents a challenge because, for many of us, there’s always that lingering dread of work piling up, even as we pile up our plates with delicious, starchy sides. I had a hard time relaxing this year thinking about all the stuff I wasn’t getting done.

SCHEDULING NIGHTMARE
A lot of people have to work during the holidays, including medical professionals, law enforcement officials, retail sales staff – just to name a few. For these folks and plenty of others, the holidays aren’t really a break in the action so much as a frustrating distraction.

And there’s a lot of wheeling and dealing involved to secure enough time off to make all those holiday meals. Holiday scheduling can create a lot of conflict in the home and place a lot of stress on an entire family.

GETTING MALLED
I am not what you would call a "people person." If I know you and like you, I don't mind standing behind you in line at the store. If I don't know you, you're in my way. And the mall becomes full of people in my way this time of year. People with strollers. People moving way too slow. People wandering aimlessly unsure of their next step. People texting people. People texting while walking slowly and aimlessly, with strollers and shopping bags. Holiday shopping is a contact sport that requires great patience, intestinal fortitude, and perseverance.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Most people spend the holidays with family. And every single person in your family has an expectation of how the holidays “should” be celebrated. Try changing things just a little bit and you could become the subject of vicious whispers.

In most cases, the general rule is: don’t rock the boat. In this way, the holidays represent the purest of social bureaucracies. “We do things the way we do them because we’ve ALWAYS done them that way!”

Never mind that there may be an easier, better way. Just come ready to defend yourself if you plan to change anything at all about the holidays, including but not restricted to the following.

• The rules to a traditional holiday game: “These rules are confusing! Why does my grab bag gift have to start with the letter P?”

• The order of events: “We can't eat now. We ALWAYS open presents first. I just had lunch an hour ago!”

• The style of meal service: “What is this - China House Buffet? It's so informal!"

• The start time: “Why are they having us so early this year? Do they want us to LEAVE earlier?”

• The menu: “Artichoke hearts and pork loin? Things must be really bad for them this year.”

• The day: “How can you have Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve? It’s just not right!”

• Gifting: “I hate grab bags – why can’t we just buy for everybody like we always do?”

That’s the way tradition works. Change things up at your own risk…and expect to hear about it – usually through the grapevine, and 11 months later.

EXTENDED FAMILY MATTERS
Another source of stress around the holidays is being in a house full of people you only see once or twice a year. The first half hour is usually marked by everyone sitting next to who they came with, quietly avoiding eye contact like strangers in the waiting room at the family planning clinic.

Sooner or later, and usually after a glass or two of cheap wine, we loosen up enough to make small talk. And it isn't long after that that the gossip machine fires up. We’ve all been on the receiving end of a muffled inquiry as someone surreptitiously leans in for the scoop.

“Wow, I didn’t know she had another baby. That means she would have been pregnant last year. Hmmmm. Does she know whose it is?”

“They’re married? No way. He's totally gay.”

“What’s the youngest one’s name again? I always get those kids mixed up.”

“Is that the same guy she brought last year? I think I saw him on a Dateline special.”

“What happened to grandma’s face?”

“Who’s THAT guy – I’ve never seen him before.”

“When did Uncle Ron get out?”

“That’s not cousin Rachel is it? Oh my. She needs to put that plate of sausages down.”

“Is that a prosthetic?”

"How long has my fly been open?"

BUYING GIFTS
One of the most stressful of all holiday activities is the gift-giving ritual, and that’s because a lot of people are keenly aware that gifts say a lot about what you think of the person you are giving it to. For those of us who care what other people think, there’s a lot of stress in finding the “perfect” gift – or at least a gift that demonstrates a little thought. There’s also the stress of showing up to a family gathering without a gift for someone who was thoughtful enough to pick out something just for you. And then there’s the stress of keeping track of all the people in the family to buy for year after year.

THE VALUE CALCULATION
For better or worse, most of us can instantly ballpark the relative value of the things we give and receive. And it can be a little bit nerve-racking when the calculations aren't close.

"Wow - we got your brother's kids about $100 worth of stuff, and they gave us another friggin' sock monkey. That's six sock monkeys now."

I had a relative who did all of his holiday shopping at garage sales. No joke. I once received a glass bust of a human head wrapped in the comics section of the newspaper. You can't even regift something like that.

As for the rest of us, we can heap a lot of stress on ourselves as we work toward establishing a fair exchange of gifts. We want to make sure we spend roughly the same amount of money on the important people in our lives so no one feels slighted. How did we become so sensitive?

How many times have you had to run out and get something else at the last minute to “even things up.” It can become a never-ending balancing act to even approach equality in spending. Unless you resort to gift cards, of course - the least imaginative of all gifts, but the easiest in terms of keeping everything fair and square.

I know a lot of people who are big fans of gift cards, but to me gift cards have always seemed uninspired, and even a little impractical - because they're like cash, minus the convenience and universal acceptance. Like receiving foreign currency.

"Those are Lire. You can use them to buy whatever you want...the next time you happen to be in Italy."

MEMORY LANE
Death is an unfortunate, but inevitable life event that can forever mark a holiday with special sadness. This can create a lot of stress as we anticipate spending another season without someone for whom we cared so deeply. This profound brand of sadness has a way of controlling us and suppressing any happiness we might otherwise experience in the presence of the loved ones we have left.

MULTIPLE CELEBRATIONS
Today’s families are mixed, extended, appended, extended again, and downright confusing. How many separate holiday celebrations did you have this year? I had six. There was Christmas Eve day, Christmas Eve night, Christmas Day morning, Christmas Day evening, the day after Christmas, and then two days later.

Due to the fractured nature of the contemporary family unit, a lot of people find themselves on tour for the holidays – booking multiple engagements over the course of a very busy week. This can be an extremely stressful thing to pull off with all of the different events to attend, gifts to buy, travel to coordinate, and schedules to accommodate. You almost need a tour manager, a tour bus, and a team of roadies to keep the holidays rolling smoothly.

THE MAD DASH
Every year the holidays seem to come a little earlier, or at least retailers make it seem that way. Still, with so much work required to make the holidays special it seems there’s never enough time to get everything done. People fight stress daily as they work to cross off items on a never-ending holiday to-do list. Winterize the house. Buy stamps. Go shopping. Send out holiday cards. Decorate the house. Put up the lights. Buy a tree. Wrap the gifts. Make travel plans. Considering how busy most people are these days to begin with, all of these additional responsibilities can be a stressful burden.

THE MALCONTENT
Nothing creates stress around the holidays like that one person who gets underneath everyone’s skin. You know who I’m talking about. The chatterbox who never shuts up. The know-it-all who’s smarter than everybody, but especially you. The aloof snob who criticizes everything. The grump with the short fuse. The phantom menace who manufactures drama behind the scenes.

While most of us look forward to the holidays as a chance to catch up with loved ones, overeat, and enjoy the company of family and friends, there are a handful of malcontents who use the holidays as an opportunity to complain, meddle, badmouth, aggravate, and gossip. Just anticipating having to deal with these people can send stress levels soaring.

WEATHER ALERT
With the exception of those lucky enough to reside in milder climes, most of us in the northern hemisphere must brave the elements in navigating through the holiday season. Inclement weather creates messy, dangerous conditions for living and traveling. From cold, leaky houses to salty, icy roads, the season itself has a way of creating natural stress. It took me 3 hours and 15 minutes to get home from work last week, roughly how long it would take to fly to Florida and get away from all of it.

DIETARY GUILT
How do we say NO to all of this food?

The short answer is we don’t. We give ourselves permission to gorge with the understanding that we’ll start a whole new diet in the new year.

But that doesn’t make us feel any better when notice our outie has become an innie virtually overnight.

We eat way too much over the holidays. We know it, we let ourselves do it, and we feel guilty about it after. It’s part of the holiday experience, and a common source of stress for men and women of all ages.

STRAPPED
Look in your bank account lately? The holidays sure are expensive!

If there’s one thing this year’s slow retail sales indicated it’s that we don’t NEED most of things we’ve been buying year after year. Stores are hurting because we finally managed to put the breaks on runaway spending.

I saw tables piled high with cheaply built pre-packaged gifts imported from China lining the aisles of department stores. Every checkout counter was stacked with boxes of “impulse” holiday buys. There were “sale” signs in every window of every store, in every newspaper ad on every page of every newspaper, and in every department of every store in every mall and shopping center.

In leaner times it becomes clear just how frivolous we have been – throwing money at stuff that ends up collecting cobwebs in the crawlspace. In the face of economic uncertainty, tightening our purse strings can be a stressful exercise in self-control as we seek out other ways to demonstrate to loved ones that we do care about them…just not enough to throw $20 at an electronic coin counter or flimsily constructed desk caddy.

If this economy keeps tanking, next year I'll be giving out hand-drawn caricatures of myself.

**************************

So here we are – staring down the barrel of another New Year, presumably thankful to have made it and relieved to have another holiday season under our belts, if tightly. I heard more than one person declare this year that next year they’d be on vacation. Now there's a plan!

Avoid the frigid weather. The aggravation of holiday traffic. The awkwardness of extended family gatherings. The conflicting schedules. The last minute running around. The pressure to conform to what everybody else wants to do.

Just get away. Fly away.

Sorry – can’t make it this year…I’ll be out of the country.

Just laying there in the warm sand on some remote beach with a chilly mojito thinking to yourself how this truly is “the most wonderful time of the year.”

Until your creepy uncle strides out of the surf in a speedo.

NORTH POLE ECONOMY HEADS SOUTH: SANTA CUT FROM WORLD PAYROLL

2008-12-21T09:29:00.005-06:00

Here’s the transcript from a television interview recently conducted in Lapland. It offers a startling look at how the economic meltdown is affecting people all over the world – even a global pop icon who once had it all.

*************

NORTH POLE, ARCTIC CIRCLE – Long time resident and world-renowned philanthropist Santa Claus was let go this week after centuries of dedicated service to all the good little boys and girls of the world. It was a shocking blow to the custom toymaker’s once unshakeable empire, and a warning shot to world economies.

We sat down with Mr. Claus for an exclusive conversation about his life, service, and uncertain future as the world’s most reliable free custom gift delivery service.

AYNtK: You look tired.

SANTA: Another late one last night, my friend. Very, very late.

AYNtK: Burning the midnight oil?

SANTA: [sighs] More like drinking the midnight whiskey.

AYNtK: I heard you were a tequila man.

SANTA: Ho, ho, no. Not anymore.

AYNtK: So...first of all, sorry to hear about the most recent news. It’s pretty rough out there.

SANTA: Tell me about it, young man. But, then, I suppose nothing lasts forever. Except fruitcake perhaps. [laughs] Ho ho!

AYNtK: It’s good to see you’re still in good spirits what with everything going on these days. Talk to me about that.

SANTA: It’s pretty simple, really. The people of the world are unconsciously reprioritizing the value of human capital.

AYNtK: Sounds like we’re done with the small talk. Tell me what you mean by that.

SANTA: Sure. By that I mean to say we are repurposing the human engine to meet new needs. It’s a difficult, but necessary, adjustment.

[Santa notices the vacuous look in my eyes and sighs again]

SANTA: Let’s see if I can lend a little clarity to that. Take your job, for example.

AYNtK: Please don’t – I need it. (I laugh)

SANTA: See? Right there? That’s value. People eat that shit up, pardon my French Vietnamese.

AYNtK: Eat what up?

SANTA: The humor. The wit. The perspective you put on things. As a writer, the value YOU provide the world is in this interview. You spend your working hours doing what you do for money, which you can then exchange for products and services, all the productivity of other people. You follow?

AYNtK: Sure. I’m essentially trading my skills for money, which is currency I can exchange to leverage the skills of other people. It’s a productivity swap.

SANTA: Righto. So it’s a question of value. And value varies.

AYNtK: Are you saying the world no longer values Santa Claus? I can’t buy that.

SANTA: It’s economics. The amount of currency you receive for your effort depends primarily on several things: Your talent, your time, and the market demand. Generally speaking, the more TALENTED you are, the more people will trade their currency for your skills. The more TIME you spend being productive, the more currency you can earn. And the more demand for what you produce, the more currency you can demand in exchange.

AYNtK: Interesting. So how does this play into your current situation?

SANTA: That’s where I was headed. I’m a pretty talented guy. I’m the only guy I know, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m the only guy I know who can strap a team of reindeer to a sleigh and take that thing airborne. It’s not a skill they’re teaching the kids these days.

AYNtK: I should say you’re right about that.

SANTA: But today with the Internet and global shipping we have a democracy of goods. People order what they want when they want it and it shows up a few days later. Did you know that letters to Santa are down over 400% from just a decade ago?

AYNtK: Wow. That’s significant. Why is that?

SANTA: Because I take too long. Kids don’t want to write a letter and wait a month or more for me to show up – hoping I bring them what they asked for. They get their parents to shop on eBay and Amazon and have stuff shipped immediately. I’m a 20th century dinosaur.

AYNtK: But your delivery system is remarkable. World coverage overnight.

SANTA: Ever hear of FedEx?

AYNtK: Now this might sound to some like you agree with your termination – at least in principle.

SANTA: Let’s just say I understand where it comes from. Of course I still have value to offer. Think of the operational logistics of building all those toys – millions of custom requests to fulfill. Then there’s the distribution network, which consists – again – of me. And the whole chimney drop thing. Took me years to nail that.

AYNtK: I don’t think people really appreciate all the work you put into making Christmas a magical event.

SANTA: And I really streamlined things since the early days. Made a lot of upgrades. I wasn’t always this efficient, you know. There were years I skipped entire countries. Simply ran out of time. I don’t think the North Koreans ever forgave me. At least not that Kim Jong-Il guy.

AYNtK: That does explain a lot. I think most people assume your system is pretty flawless.

SANTA: [laughs] Far from it. In fact, I get orders mixed up all the time. You ever get something from me when you were a kid that wasn’t what you asked for?

AYNtK: Actually, I do remember REALLY wanting a Big Wheel car, and getting a Hot Wheels car instead. That was rough.

SANTA: Details, my friend. Details are everything.

AYNtK: So if you’re the only one who can do what you do, why’d they pull the plug on the operation?

SANTA: I’m a luxury, son. As in: no one needs me. Half the world’s kids don’t believe in me anymore anyhow. I’m actually surprised they let me stay on as long as they did, what with the huge deficits I’ve been running year after year. There’s no revenue in giving things away. Just a growing expense sheet. Do you know how much those Wii things cost?

AYNtK: Any predictions for those people watching right now and wondering what’s in store for them?

SANTA: Well, I suppose if it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone. It’s happening everywhere, but especially in America. Look at your economy. Major shifts in human capital are going to be required to get things humming again. You’ve got to ask yourself, what will the commercial sector need to sustain the momentum of progress? Where are we in the evolution of civilization? What kind of world are we moving toward? What skills will the new economy require of its workforce? The skills of much of the workforce are becoming obsolete. Everything is automated and computerized. Even the service sector is at risk as more people are able to do things for themselves online.

AYNtK: What can we do as individuals?

SANTA: Think about what you do and how it contributes to what you have and how you live. Everyone needs to do this. Consider your talents and skills. How can you bring value to the new world economy? What does the world need now and how can you meet that need?

AYNtK: Wise advice from a guy who’s been around a little while.

SANTA: When I started this gig way back when I remember thinking, “You know, science is taking all the mystery out of life. There’s a void there. People want to believe something magical is happening behind the scenes. Something good.” And so I devoted my life to making that happen. It was a good run.

AYNtK: So what’s next for you? Are things going to work out for the Kringles?

SANTA: I hear there’s a vacant Senate seat in Illinois. [cackles loudly] Ho ho ho!

AYNtK: There may be a governorship soon, too, is what I hear.

SANTA: I wouldn’t do well in politics. I’m a model of efficiency – making more every year with less. Government somehow manages the opposite. But seriously, we’re going to be fine. Few people know this, but the Mrs. is actually an accomplished astrophysicist. She had some pretty substantial offers come in after she re-engineered my sleigh to slingshot with pinpoint precision at near-orbital velocities.

AYNtK: And what’s next for you?

SANTA: I’ve been at this for so long I haven’t given it a whole lot of thought. But I would like to try windsurfing.

**********

Santa remains in good spirits, despite being on the verge of losing his North Pole estate. According to the Elven Times, Claus Enterprises has always operated in the red, but is now behind on mortgage payments and expects a 2009 deficit close to one hundred billion Euros. First Pole Savings & Loan, reacting to the recent credit crunch, has been threatening foreclosure for the jolly old soul whose future job security is no longer “in the bag.”

THOUGHTFULLY YOURS

2008-12-09T08:54:00.002-06:00

This mini-movie is great. It's a brilliantly conceived and executed example of integrated, viral marketing. And effective, I should note, as I share the link here so you can see what I'm talking about.

Beware the doghouse, my friends.

CONFESSIONS OF A FACEBOOK ADDICT

2008-12-07T08:19:00.003-06:00

I love Facebook.

There, I said it.

I must admit – and I may be dating myself by doing so – but I just didn’t get the concept at first. What IS this Facebook thing, I wondered.

Is it a site for sharing pictures? Is it an online lounge for casual, if virtual, encounters? Is it a networking tool? I didn’t understand the mass appeal. Why had millions of people signed up to be a part of this community? And did I really want to add my face to this book?

On the advice of a good friend who always seems ahead of the curve on all things up-and-coming, I decided to create a profile. It was simple to do, and more importantly - FREE. I uploaded a photo and entered some basic data about myself, things like where I went to school, where I work, books I’ve read, shows I watch. You know, the kind of stuff you’d get out of the way on a first date.

When I was done I sat back and looked at my profile. So that’s it, eh? That’s me? I had no idea I was so, er...boring. But online profiles don’t lie.

Happily married. Creative Director at a marketing firm. Enjoys sushi and watches Dexter on Showtime. Does crossword puzzles and plays guitar in his spare time.

I clicked around a little bit, but didn’t really know what I was supposed to be doing, or why I would even be doing it aside from wasting time. It’s safe to say, even in hindsight, there wasn’t much utility in Facebook for me the day I signed up, so I logged out and did not anticipate returning.

And then it happened.

About six months later I began receiving emails from the Facebook website letting me know that people I knew personally were now a part of the community. These people were requesting to be my “friend” and Facebook wanted me to verify that I knew them.

So I logged back in and started accepting my “friend” invitations, but only from the people I actually knew. A lot of people on Facebook will ask to become friends with anyone because they like running up their friend count, but those aren't really FRIENDS, are they?

I thought about it and decided I'm really not accepting applications for new friends at this time. I like the friends I already have. Most of them, anyhow. So over the course of the next few weeks I started collecting old friends and connecting them together in a patchwork quilt of acquaintances unique to me.

Suddenly my Facebook page wasn’t so boring anymore. It wasn't merely showing off the few things I elected to share about ME, it offered windows into the lives of people I knew from various stages of my life. I could click around and see what other people were up to, and they could check in on me. Suddenly I felt like I should be wearing pants more often.

By virtue of the site's “Status Bar” function, which users can update as often as they want, I could see what every other person in my network of friends was recently up to. Or, more correctly, I could see what they WANTED me to see they were up to. You update your own status bar, after all, and can write pretty much whatever comes to mind.

I began updating my status bar several times a day.

Terry is…dreaming of a white Christmas.

Terry is…so nudely awakened.

Terry is…taking an 8-year-old out of school to fly to Vegas.

Terry is…not wearing pants, as far as you know.

Terry is…stewing in a marinade of commuter metal on 290 (via the mobile application for the iPhone)

It wasn't long before people started commenting on my status, and I started commenting back. It was like we were having an actual conversation - without the awkwardness of trying to have a conversation with someone you haven't seen in years. Small talk is still talk.

That's when the site finally made sense to me. Its utility is in the connections you make with the people in your life. If you’re only connected to a couple of people, the site has less value to you than if you’re connected to 20, or 100. And the quality of the connections you keep on Facebook is entirely up to you. You could have 10 close friends, 100 acquaintances, or 1000 strangers in your network.

When I had first signed up, there were only a couple of people I knew personally to connect with. I felt like the first guy to own a fax machine. Fancy piece of equipment – but until someone else got one, it was just a monstrous chunk of wasted potential.

The more people I knew who joined Facebook, the more value it had to me. I began adding old co-workers, high school buddies, bandmates, college roommates, cousins, and a lot of current friends I wished I could see more often. I invited all of my close friends to join. I encouraged my wife to sign up. I even told my parents that the best way to keep tabs on their son was to get on Facebook.

"Ever wonder what your kids are up to?" I asked them. "I tell everyone what I'm doing 3 or 4 times every day." Some people have noted that they don't really need to know when I'm dropping the kids off at the pool, but I don't buy that for a second.

***********

People come in and out of our lives. We graduate. We move. We get new jobs. We move again. We get married. We move again. We get new jobs again. And as we perform the cultural rituals of our time, starting and ending the many different chapters in our lives, the people in our lives come and go.

Rifle through an old photo album. Look at all the faces you haven't seen in years. Grade school. High school. College. Spring breaks. Summer vacations. First job. What are all of those people up to now? Facebook helps us keep these people in our lives – but only the people we choose to keep.

Today I use Facebook to let people know what I’m up to…and my friends keep me posted on the goings on in their lives. It’s almost like living in the same house with everyone you know, minus the smell.

Sometimes I stroll the hallways of my Facebook house to see who’s around. I’ll check out the latest picture posts on their bulletin boards, read about their most recent entanglements, and see what books or movies they’re recommending. When something strikes me, I leave a message for them – another function of the site I love.

Commentary. Or, Comment Terry.

Facebook is perfect for someone like me because I like people…but I’ve never been a phone guy. I’m just not a fan of the spontaneous “Hey, how ya been?” call. I don’t know why, really – I can be quite gregarious in person, at least after a few pints of the black stuff.

Phones, though, make me nervous. It really is a miracle I found someone to marry me given my aversion to the telephone. Facebook provides an opportunity to reach out and touch someone without the time commitment of an open-ended conversation. And that is an interesting point that bears some attention.

Think about Instant Messaging. Remember when that got hot? You could see who was online in your AOL or Yahoo Messenger tray and instantly engage unsuspecting friends in conversation. What fun!

Yeah – it was fun for a while, but the novelty soon faded as more and more people discovered the “invisible” function. People, it turned out, liked having the OPTION to engage other people, on their terms, but weren’t always open to being engaged. We liked being connected, but not available 24/7. And there was always that one person who wanted to chat chat chat every time they found you online.

You are now Invisible.

Facebook offers NSIM – Not-So-Instant Messaging. You can poke around, add comments, make requests, send messages, and have entire conversations online – but entirely on YOUR schedule. You’re not staring at a blinking cursor waiting for someone to “brb.” You don’t have to respond right away when someone posts a remark. There’s nothing intrusive about it.

You’re connected when it’s convenient for you.

The people I know use Facebook for different reasons. I use it as a creative outlet, giving my status lines a little extra thought, and offering comments that beg for response. I use it to burn a few minutes between meetings at work. I use it to say happy birthday. I use it to stay connected to old friends and new in a way I didn’t feel connected before.

My wife is probably right – I am probably on Facebook more than I need to be, and probably at the expense of other things I should - or, COULD - be doing. Shoveling the walk. Writing my next big article. Planning our next weekend getaway. I'm sure the novelty will fade at some point and she'll stop calling herself a Facebook widow. A little melodramatic perhaps, but I do appreciate good hyperbole.

Today I completely recognize the value in Facebook, and I highly recommend it. If you don’t have a profile yet, go create one at Facebook.com. It’s easy, and more importantly - FREE.

Upload a photo, enter some basic data about yourself, and start filling your Facebook house with the familiar faces of friends from the many different chapters of your life. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to drop the kids off at the pool.

ERROR ALERT

2008-12-03T18:50:00.000-06:00

Several more unsubstantiated claims came out of Pakistan this week reporting that Chief Operating Terrorist Osama Bin Laden remains alive and is doing quite well. Pentagon officials were quick to dismiss these claims as Turban Legend.

THE DUBIOUS MERITS OF PERSISTENCE

2008-11-25T09:04:00.000-06:00

"It doesn't matter how many times you fail. It doesn't matter how many times you almost get it right. No one is going to know or care about your failures, and neither should you. All you have to do is learn from them and those around you because... All that matters in business is that you get it right once. Then everyone can tell you how lucky you are."

~Mark Cuban

SPECIAL DELIVERY

2008-11-13T10:21:00.002-06:00

I am a proud subscriber to the Chicago Tribune. I say proud because in this age of technology and the Internet, and for how much time I spend online perusing the latest of the latest breaking news, there's still something I enjoy about having that tactile sheet of fiber between my fingers.

Makes me feel aloof, in a way. Your Internet's not good enough for me. I'm going to read the newspaper.

Which I don't, really. I mean, I look at the pictures and scan the headlines. But I don't really read it. Does ANYONE under the age of 55 read the newspaper?

Still, I enjoy getting it because it's a piece of my past. Of our past. It's symbolic of a time when if you wanted to find out something about the world, you didn't flip on a television, click on a mouse, or hit a few buttons on your wireless device. You went out on the front stoop in your robe and slippers and fished your newspaper out of a snowbank that the city trucks made when they plowed through your neighborhood at 4am.

You wanted news back then? It was printed on paper every day of the week, and delivered directly to your door. And it still feels nice to be physically connected in that way.

So you can imagine my disappointment last Wednesday when I didn't get my daily paper. It wasn't that I was looking forward to reading it, or that I needed to consult it for something in particular that day, which does happen from time to time. Feature articles. Exclusive savings. Movie reviews and showtimes. The daily crossword. There's a lot to love still about the Chicago Tribune offline, but these weren't on my mind last Wednesday when I raced down the stairs to secure my plastic-sheathed footnote on history.

President-Elect Barack Obama was.

It was the day after the election, and Chicagoans were beaming with pride. Tens of thousands had turned out the night before to hear his victory speech. It was history in the making, and we all, somehow, felt a part of it. This newspaper was my souvenir. My keepsake. It made it all seem more real.

Only my newspaper wasn't there. Nor was the neighbor's newspaper. I looked down the street and didn't see any newspapers. Had they all been stolen or had they gone undelivered?

I immediately called the Chicago Tribune to inquire. As is so often the case these days, I received an automated teleprompter. After navigating my way to the "delivery problems" menu, I reported that I had not received my paper, identified myself, and requested re-delivery. I then went to the grocery store to purchase a back-up.

As I approached the grocery store I noticed handmade signs on the glass doors in the entranceway.

SORRY! WE ARE ALL OUT OF TODAY'S NEWSPAPERS - WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

I started to realize that today's paper wasn't going to be easy to come by - at least not in this Democratic stronghold, and hometown to our nation's next President.

The paper didn't come that day, so I emailed customer service and requested redelivery. I imagined they would be skeptical at this point. How many others had done the same I wondered? They wrote back 16 hours later with a polite greeting to let me know they had received my request and would be passing it on to the appropriate people.

I waited. When the paper didn't come, I decided to write again. I asked for an ETA on my re-delivery. They replied the following morning with another kind greeting, thanking me for my business, and asking for my patience as they worked to resolve the issue. A new paper would arrive within 48 hours they said.

After 49 hours, I responded again. I was becoming skeptical, and this they surely noted in my tone, which had taken a turn for the sarcastic. I was beginning to inquire as to how the daily papers for Thursday and Friday had been delivered without a problem - yet my Wednesday re-delivery had not arrived.

They responded and asked for my continued patience. I would have the paper in 48 hours.

I responded that it had technically been 49 hours since they'd first told me to wait 48 hours, and I asked if they meant to wait ANOTHER 48 hours, or if they just weren't aware that so much time had passed since their commitment.

They responded the following day with an apology for the experience, and a note indicating they had referred my case to a Special Service agent who would see to it that I received a "proper" delivery. I imagined a 12-year-old kid on the other end, laughing as he typed up these fantastic responses to my concerns and requests. Special Service agent? Proper delivery? Were they making this stuff up?

Another 48 hours passed and no paper came. My wife could sense it was irking me and sugested I just give it up already. By now there were news reports of the paper going for up to $50 an issue on eBay. There's no way you get a paper now, she said. Someone probably stole it and they probably don't have any more.

I wrote again, this time infusing some hyperbole into the equation and declaring this event the single greatest customer service catastrophe I have ever known. In fact, it rather paled to the time I was charged a mysterious "installation" fee by RCN Cable and had to file a grievance with the Better Business Bureau to get my money back - which I did.

The Chicago Tribune responded yet again with another "we are sorry for the inconvenience," another "and we thank you for your business," another "and we appreciate your patience," and another "but doing all we can."

At what point do I give up, I thought. When do I acquiesce to circumstance and throw in the proverbial towel? A week? A month? Never? It occurred to me, again, that a complaint with the Better Business Bureau would be in order. Overkill, to be sure, but
it would be an exclamation point on the entire episode. After all, I thought, I had PAID for that paper...in advance.

That's the whole point to a delivery - you pay in advance for the convenience of having the newspaper dropped off at your door every morning. There was nothing convenient about what I was going through, all to get my prepaid copy of the one paper - the ONLY paper - that in all my time as a subscriber I ever wanted to keep. And barring a Chicago Cubs World Series appearance, which looks less and less likely every year, it's the only paper I would probably ever want to keep.

And then yesterday I got the call. 7:43am. It was the paper carrier with my copy of LAST Wednesday's paper. He was coming by in 10 minutes if I could meet him. I was late for work already...but work could wait. I was not about to miss this edition again.

So I waited on the curb outside my house as the morning commuters whisked by in a damp, cold rush hour frenzy. A beat-up Mazda pulled over suddenly and an older Hispanic gentleman stepped out of the car. He handed me the newspaper, which I cradled in my arms immediately like a little girl clutching her favorite American Girl doll.

Thank you, I said. This gesture was much appreciated. He nodded his head and hopped back in the car.

You know, I didn't think it would come. But it did. And they even called me the next morning to make sure I'd received it. I was pleased to say I did, as I thanked them for their effort...and for sticking with me through the sarcasm, hyperbole, and thinly veiled belligerence.

So again, today, I am a proud subscriber to the Chicago Tribune. Proud because in this age of technology and the Internet, and for how much time I spend online perusing the latest of the latest breaking news, there's still something I enjoy about having that tactile sheet of fiber between my fingers.

And because in this day of interconnectedness, when we often feel more disconnected than anything else, some companies still know how to deliver when it counts.

And the Chicago Tribune is one of them.

THE UNITED STATES OF OBAMACA

2008-11-07T16:19:00.002-06:00

A good friend of mine recently canvassed a nearby battleground state for Barack Obama. Today I congratulated him on the effort, remarking that we had done it. He then, in a phrase, captured what I believe to be the essence of what this victory means to so many Americans.

"Now I can travel overseas and not have to lie and tell people I'm Canadian."

He was joking, of course. Kind of. I think.

The fact is, the last 8 years - and in particular the last 4 - have represented an embarrassing stretch for Americans. We haven't been admired, respected, or appreciated by our friends around the globe...and with good reason. Sanctioning torture. Revoking civil liberties. Preemptive, unilateral military strikes founded on manufactured intelligence and hunches. Wiretapping. We've been viewed as fat, lazy, greedy, hostile, spiteful, vengeful bullies with massive chips on our shoulders and a Patrick Swayze approach to foreign policy.

It's my way or the highway. Clearly we haven't been taking the "high" way.

Most people around the globe don't hate the American people - but they do detest our policies. And those policies (fair or not) have been largely attributed to our dictator in chief - President Bush. The shift away from his party signaled to the world that the American people soundly reject what Bush has done...both at home and abroad. Each vote for Obama added to the momentum of a massive movement - the national reclamation of our dignity.

And so my friend had it exactly right - joking or not. With the election of Obama, we don't have to hang our heads in shame for our witless, bumbling chief executive. We can be a proud people again, confident in the abilities of our chosen leader.

At least until inauguration day when his mettle is put to the test. Then all bets are off. The economic deck is stacked against him.

The naysayers are already calling for his impeachment - indeed there are Facebook groups already dedicated to the cause months from inauguration. There are miserable millions still suffering the agony of defeat and declaring their discord with the usual statements of defiance. He's not MY president. He doesn't represent ME.

Oh, but he does. And if you give the man some time, and cut the guy some slack, you may just find yourself thankful for it. We have, on a single day, in a single election, restored the faith of the world community in our collective judgment as a nation. Further, we demonstrated in the most meaningful of ways, that we remain qualified to lead by the power of example.

Heck - maybe Canadians traveling abroad will even lie and say they're Americans. I am joking of course. Kind of.

BABY GOT BARACK!

2008-11-07T16:16:00.002-06:00

Here's a very cool link to some behind-the-scenes photography of Barack Obama on election night. These pics do a great job capturing the emotion and anticipation of a historic moment in time.

ERECTION DAY COVERAGE

2008-11-04T08:23:00.002-06:00

It has been quite remarkable hasn't it? All of this excitement over a Presidential Election? I can't remember a time when the entire country was this energized over politics. I'm too young to remember the Kennedy/Nixon throwdown, but I hear that's the best comparison to what's been going on now.

It's encouraging. It means people care again. We feel like our votes matter. We want our voices heard. We feel there's someone we can connect with.

I actually know people, for the first time in my life, who traveled to nearby battleground states to knock on doors. I know people who made phone calls to undecided voters from their homes. I actually donated hard-earned money to TWO political candidates this year (and I was only related to one of them). People are investing their time and money in politics like never before. Americans are stoked.

I'm watching news coverage now and everywhere in America there are long lines out the door - people prepared to wait for hours to be counted. They're not downtrodden or frustrated - they're upbeat and optimistic. They're proud to finally be fighting for (or against, in many cases) something they sense is big.

And isn't it big? A country that has symbolized opportunity for well over 200 years with an African American poised to become President, or a woman Vice President. History in the making, regardless of who ends up on top. No wonder so many people are turning out to be a part.

As of this morning, nearly everyone I know (well) has voted. I'd guess half of them were Bush supporters at one time who are solidly behind Obama now. People whose combined household incomes may break the Obama tax increase threshold are punching his name because they believe, in principle, with the direction he wants to take this country. Even my dear mom, who once supported the proud isolationist Pat Buchanan (bless her heart), admitted that she "may" have voted for Obama. Now that truly is remarkable.

As for me, I'm just thrilled to see so many people participating. The opportunity for millions and millions of people to select their own leader is one of mankind's greatest accomplishments. It wasn't always like this, remember. The democratic process is a relatively new deal. And we're still working on it.

The early voting thing is proof of that. It's about time they figured out a way to involve more people in the process. Holding elections on a cold, often wet, November day in the middle of the work week probably wasn't the best way to encourage participation. But it served its purpose while it lasted, which was to benefit entrenched power. Sure made it harder for those meddlesome working class people to have a voice. But that voice is being heard now - loud and clear.

As for me, I'm glad the entire thing is finally coming to an end. Or, as I think back to the electoral debacle of 2000, must I ask myself, "Is it?" Let's hope we can avoid a replay of that ugly scene.

At least I didn't make the same mistake this year that I did in 2004 when I found out the "hard" way that the first Tuesday in November is ELECTION day, not erection day. Talk about your embarrassing moments. Officials at the polling place were NOT impressed.

WYOMINGLING WITH DEMOCRATS

2008-11-03T17:45:00.003-06:00

According to a report on CNN, Vice President Dick Cheney's hometown newspaper just named Obama their presidential pick. In case you forgot, Dick is from Wyoming...gun country. Brokeback red state. Rodeo central. What I like best is what the paper wrote in endorsing the Democrat. Big thumbs up for the Casper-Star Tribune.

"It is a foregone conclusion that Wyoming's three electoral votes will go to Sen. John McCain. It would be easy for the Star-Tribune to simply agree with the majority of voters in this red state and endorse the Republican candidate for president.

"But this isn't an ordinary election, and Sen. Barack Obama has the potential to be an extraordinary leader at a time we desperately need one."

"If the John McCain of 2000 saw today's counterpart, he wouldn't recognize himself...McCain is no longer a GOP maverick, or the war hero whose principles were unwavering. He has flip-flopped on issues ranging from tax cuts to torture in an effort to win over the conservative base of his party. He has waged a dismal campaign based on fear and divisiveness."

Damn. No love

DON'T VOTE!

2008-11-03T11:12:00.002-06:00

In case you haven't seen it, this Get Out the Vote clip is great. Lot of Hollywood brass came out for this - and it's not a Obamamercial like you might think. It's simply a message to Vote.

Check it out.

THE SOUL SURVIVOR

2008-11-01T18:41:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago I attended a personal development seminar called Lifebook.

Never heard of it? Neither had I. You can check it out for yourself here if you'd like.

It was a work deal. Since I will soon be advising Lifebook on their marketing, and writing some kick-ass copy for their targeted direct campaigns, they decided it would be a good idea for me to experience their seminar in person. Who was I to argue with that logic? So I went.

What is Lifebook?

Lifebook was a concentrated, 4-day motivation/development seminar conducted in the comfort of a place called the "Lifebook Lounge." The lounge is a nicely renovated space in Chicago's warehouse district near the Lake Street El train, which you can hear rumble by about every 15 minutes - a sound I imagined was water rushing like a great waterfall. This delusion helped me keep the mood.

At around four grand, the Lifebook experience is not a middle class adventure. I considered myself privileged to experience it for free, and decided to make the most out of it. I put work aside and submerged myself in the experience.

I won't bore you with the details about the program here, but I will say it's markedly different from other personal development programs you may be familiar with. Instead of a Tony Robbins-like guru giving a pep talk, or some fancy new age way of thinking, it's a systematic process for evaluating your life across 12 different categories. A comprehensive life review, if you will.

At the end of the 4 day process, you come away with your Lifebook, which is a leather-bound guide to the person you smirk at in the mirror when you've had too much wine. That's right - it's the handbook to you. Your life. Your dreams. Your roadmap to success. Needless to say, everyone's Lifebook is different because it's written by you, for you. It's you giving yourself permission and instructions to do the things you were meant to do so you can achieve the things you want to achieve. Not earth-shattering stuff by any stretch, but an organized, helpful way to frame the life you have now so you can one day realize the life you WANT to have.

***

The biggest realization I made over that long weekend, and I did come to a number of realizations about my life, was that I lack vision. Always have. I don't plan for the future because I can't see it. I don't even try. I just go day to day reacting to whatever life throws my way. Sometimes life is good, and sometimes life sucks. But that's life, right?

I realized that I've managed success in large part because I'm a smart kid with a good work ethic. I catch on quick and I care what people think. I try. That made me the best cashier at the grocery store when I was 17. Made me the best bellhop at the Chancellor Hotel back in college. Made me the best, if only, copywriter in Champaign, Illinois after I graduated college. Made me a successful person at pretty much everything I've done, if an unfulfilled one.

It dawned on me that I wasn't working toward anything. I didn't have any goals. I just showed up for work every day and did my job. There was no game plan. No road map. Just the motions to go through. It was kind of depressing, actually.

So I began an exercise in self-reflection. I started thinking about who I am and what I bring to the world. What is my value? What do I enjoy more than anything? How would I spend my time contributing to the progress of society if salary weren't an issue? What's my talent? What's my gift?

I discovered that, by and large, my talents and gifts and contributions have been marginalized by the career I've chosen. Instead of doing what I enjoy - entertaining and enlightening with amusing essays, poignant observations, and insightful prose - I've been churning out marketing mumbo jumbo for corporate clients for over a decade! What a waste. And despite the successes I've enjoyed, I've been largely unsatisfied with what I do as a "professional."

So there I was stepping out of that 4-day seminar, which I'd only attended as a function of my job, realizing that I what I needed most in my life was a NEW one.

And so it begins, on page one of my Lifebook - the search for a better fit. And if I work as hard at that as I have the other jobs in my life - from grocery clerk to bellhop - I may just realize my true life potential.

One can hope, anyway.

ENDORSE MINTS FOR FRESH IDEAS

2008-11-01T17:58:00.003-05:00

Whoever wrote this endorsement for the Missouri Post-Dispatch did a phenomenal job summing up our choices. There are some great lines in here that jam it home gently.

*******

Barack Obama for President
By Editorial Board of the Missouri Post Dispatch

Nine Days before the Feb. 5 presidential primaries in Missouri and Illinois, this
editorial page endorsed Barack Obama and John McCain in their respective races. We did so enthusiastically. We wrote that either Mr. Obama's message of hope or Mr. McCain's independence and integrity offered America the chance to turn the page on 28 years of contentious, greed-driven politics and move into a new era of possibility.

Over the past nine months, Mr. Obama, the junior senator from Illinois, has emerged as the only truly transformative candidate in the race. In the crucible that is a presidential campaign, his intellect, his temperament and equanimity under pressure consistently have been impressive. He has surrounded himself with smart, capable advisers who have helped him refine thorough, nuanced policy positions.

In a word, Mr. Obama has been presidential.

Meanwhile, Mr. McCain, the senior senator from Arizona, became the incredible shrinking man. He shrank from his principled stands in favor of a humane immigration policy. He shrank from his universal condemnation of torture and his condemnation of the politics of smear. He even shrank from his own campaign slogan,"County First," by selecting the least qualified running mate since the Swedenborgian shipbuilder Arthur Sewall ran as William Jennings Bryan's No. 2 in 1896.

In making political endorsements, this editorial page is guided first by the principles espoused by Joseph Pulitzer in The Post-Dispatch Platform printed daily at the top of this page. Then we consider questions of character, life experience and intellect, as well as specific policy and issue positions. Each member of the editorial board weighs in.

On all counts, the consensus was clear: Barack Obama of Illinois should be the next president of the United States. We didn't know nine months ago that before Election Day, America would face its greatest economic challenge since the Great Depression. The crisis on Wall Street is devastating, but it has offered voters a useful preview of how the two presidential candidates would respond to a crisis.

Very early on, Mr. Obama reached out to his impressive corps of economic advisers and developed a comprehensive set of recommendations for addressing the problems. He set them forth calmly and explained them carefully.

Mr. McCain, a longtime critic of government regulation, was late to recognize the threat. The chief economic adviser of his campaign initially was former Sen. Phil Gramm, R-Texas, who had been one of the architects of banking deregulation. When the credit markets imploded, Mr. McCain lurched from one ineffectual grandstand play to another. He squandered the one clear advantage he had over Mr. Obama: experience.

Mr. McCain first was elected to Congress in 1982 when Mr. Obama was in his senior year at Columbia University. Yet the younger man's intellectual curiosity and capacity (and, yes, also the skills he developed as a community organizer and his instincts as a political conciliator) more than compensate for his lack of more traditional Washington experience.

A presidency is defined less by what happens in the Oval Office than by what is done by the more than 3,000 men and women the president appoints to government office. Only 600 of them are subject to Senate approval. The rest serve at the pleasure of the president.

We have little doubt that Mr. Obama's appointees would bring a level of competence, compassion and intellectual achievement to the executive branch that hasn't been
seen since the New Frontier. He has energized a new generation of Americans who would put the concept of service back in 'public service.'

Consider that while Mr. McCain selected as his running mate Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, a callow and shrill partisan, Mr. Obama selected Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware. Mr. Biden's 35-year Senate career has given him encyclopedic expertise on legislative and judicial issues, as well as foreign affairs.

The idea that 3,000 bright, dedicated and accomplished Americans would be joining the Obama administration to serve the public (as opposed to padding their resume(c)s or shilling for the corporate interests they're sworn to oversee) is reassuring. That they would be serving a president who actually would listen to them is staggering.

And the fact that Mr. Obama can explain his thoughts and policies in language that can instruct and inspire is exciting. Eloquence isn't everything in a president, but it is not nothing, either. Experience aside, the 25-year difference in the ages of Mr. McCain, 72, and Mr. Obama, 47, is important largely because Mr. Obama's election would represent a generational shift. He would be the first chief executive in more than six decades whose world view was not formed, at least in part, by the Cold War or Vietnam.

He sees the complicated world as it is today, not as a binary division between us and them, but as a kaleidoscope of shifting alliances and interests. As he often notes, he is the son of a Kenyan father and a mother from Kansas, an internationalist who yet acknowledges that America is the only nation in the world in which someone of his distinctly modest background could rise as far as his talent, intellect and hard work would take him.

Given the damage that has been done to America's moral standing in the world in the last eight years (by a pre-emptive war, a unilateralist foreign policy and by policies that have treated both the Geneva Conventions and our own Bill of Rights as optional) Mr. Obama's election would help America reclaim the moral high ground.

It also must be said that Mr. Obama is right on the issues. He was right on the war in Iraq. He is right that all Americans deserve access to health care and right in his pragmatic approach to meeting that goal. He is right on tax policy, infrastructure investment, energy policy and environmental issues. He is right on American ideals.

He was right when he said in his remarkable speech in March in Philadelphia that "In the end, then, what is called for is nothing more, and nothing less, than what all the world's great religions demand: that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Let us be our brother's keeper, Scripture tells us. Let us be our sister's keeper. Let us find that common stake we all have in one another, and let our politics reflect that spirit as well."

John McCain has served his country well, but in the end, he may have wanted the presidency a little too much, so much that he has sacrificed some of the principles that made him a heroic figure in war and in peace. In every way possible, he has earned the right to retire.

Finally, only at this late point do we note that Barack Obama is an African-American. Because of who he is and how he has run his campaign, that fact has become almost incidental to most Americans. Instead, his countrymen are weighing his talents, his values and his beliefs, judging him not by the color of his skin, but the content of his character.

That says something profound and good, about him as a candidate, and about us as a nation.

If the world could vote?

2008-11-01T17:31:00.001-05:00

If the world could vote?

Posted using ShareThis

NEGATIVE ATTAX

2008-10-29T21:38:00.002-05:00

Here's a handy tax calculator to help you combat the haters who claim Obama is going to raise your taxes. The fact is, for most of us, he's proposing a tax break. But don't take my word for it...see for yourself!

MONKEYING AROUND

2008-10-21T00:22:00.000-05:00

Because everyone should see a monkey on a Segway. This is good shit.

PRESIDENT PALIN?

2008-10-14T16:46:00.001-05:00

Here's a sneak preview of what'll be one catastrophic stroke away if the haters get their man.

ENJOY!

REDNECK FIRE ALARM

2008-10-14T16:34:00.000-05:00

CHA-CHING!

2008-10-14T14:39:00.001-05:00

HAUNTED HOUSES

2008-10-14T08:06:00.003-05:00

CHOKEAGO IS...

2008-10-13T08:35:00.003-05:00

My kind of frown.

Man, it sucks being a sports fan in Chicago these days. Let's just change the name of the city to CHOKEAGO. Did you see the Bears come back to win the game with 11 seconds left yesterday...only to have the Falcons inexplicably turn the tables and use those 11 seconds to send the Bears home a bunch of losers like their baseball-playing neighbors the White Sox & Cubs.

Speaking of whom, that's been the biggest topic of conversation at the sports bars this past week - which baseball team sucked harder. You've got the Sox fans clinging to their one playoff win as evidence of having out-performed their north-side rivals. The Cubs fans point to the record as support for their claim that their lovable losers were the better squad. The sad fact is, they both fucking blew it after all the hype about having a cross-town World Series match-up.

DON'T BE HATIN'

2008-10-11T20:38:00.003-05:00

Some fucking racist idiot brought a stuffed monkey doll wearing an Obama sticker to a Palin campaign event in Johnstown, Pa.

Realizing he was caught on camera, he passed it off to a child he didn't know.

It's amazing to me that these people still exist. In the millions. It's 2008, yo. Fuckin' A give racism a rest already.

Watch CBS Videos Online

O'REILLED UP

2008-10-09T08:41:00.000-05:00

POP UP REPLAY

2008-10-08T21:03:00.003-05:00

I just read a Reddit threat on CNN's debate coverage and someone had a genius idea.

They should air the debates a day later as VH1 Pop-Up videos! As the candidates spout and spew their numbers and accusations, little bubble bursts would pop-up to help us separate fact from fiction, and rhetoric from reality.

Someone needs to referee these events with all of the false claims flying back and forth. Showing the debate the next day with fun "facts" and other tidbits would make for a far more enlightening and entertaining experience.

CAMPAIGN IN THE ASS

2008-10-08T07:47:00.002-05:00

In case you haven't seen the latest Jib Jab production, here it is. Enjoy!

MASQUEERADE PARTY

2008-10-07T21:49:00.002-05:00

Looks like I found this year's Halloween costume. Thanks to Gene for the lead. I LIKE!

LOBBY HOBBY

2008-10-07T19:00:00.002-05:00

First read this:

"We're also going to put an end to the tens of billions of dollars squandered every year on special favors and corporate welfare. At a time when many working families can hardly afford their mortgage, their groceries, and gas for the car or truck, we need to close the door firmly on corporate lobbyists."

- John McCain, August 22, 2008

Then go HERE.

(Note Obama ranks, too, but just a fraction of the amount)

DISGRACEBOOK

2008-10-05T14:49:00.001-05:00

Points for creativity here. Click to enlarge.

IT'S DEBATABLE

2008-10-05T11:14:00.001-05:00

GO WITH THE FLOW

2008-10-03T12:42:00.004-05:00

In case you missed the Vice Presidential debate last night, here's a copy of Sarah Palin's cheat sheet. She made expert use of it imho.

My friend JB summarized the spectacle quite well, I thought. Without his permission, I'll let him describe it for you:

*******************

As expected, the local paper greets me this morning with the headline:
"GOP hopeful holds own during debate." I guess if the Couric/Gibson
interviews are your baseline, she was fucking phenomenal. Knocked it
out of the park. If you'd never heard of her before and your baseline
is what most rational citizens might expect from an oval office
candidate, it was once again tragically embarrassing. Some of my
favorite highlights:

- What I have to imagine was the first ever VP debate "shout out."

- Her affectionate use of the term Joe Six Pack.

- The wink!

- The look on Biden's face during the stretches where Palin seemed to be
randomly stringing words together in the hopes of filling her time
(pretty much any time they showed Biden...)

- Her claim that "energy" is her "area of expertise." (I can only assume
that living on top of oil is to energy expertise as living next to a
foreign country is to foreign policy expertise.)

- Her suggestion that McCain's Vietnam service means he "knows how to
win a war." (Uh, (1) we lost that war, (2) McCain was shot down twice,
then (3) captured and held for the entire conflict... not exactly a
winning resume)

- And dag nabbit, I love me them folksy witticisms!

*****************

Thanks, JB. That was it in a nutshell. Holy friggin' shit...millions of people are actually going to punch the ticket with her name on it CHOOSING her to be Vice President.

Looks like 8 years of Bush has really lowered the bar for the highest posts in the land.

SEPTEMBER MADNESS

2008-10-01T08:07:00.002-05:00

Thanks to Gene for sharing this gem. Everybody get your brackets in!

CLICK IT TO ENLARGE

OFFSHORE DRILLING OR JUST OFF-BASE?

2008-10-01T07:47:00.003-05:00

Can we just dispell the myth of offshore drilling once and for all?

Even the U.S. Department of Energy is in agreement here - offshore drilling is not a viable solution to our dependence on foreign oil. It would take another 20 years to fully realize, and even then would only represent a sliver of our national consumption. Instead of investing in subsidies that encourage oil companies to extract this relatively insignificant amount of oil, why not invest in alternative technologies that will actually have an impact on consumption?

Have you heard about the Chevy Volt? Up to 40 miles on an electric battery before requiring even a drop of gas. This is just the beginning.

We have the technology. It's really not that far-fetched. Corporations are slowly catching on, finally beginning to provide products that make sense (from a conservation perspective at least, if not economical just yet), and we need to make smart decisions as consumers to support and sustain innovation of this nature. This is how we will finally escape from an unhealthy relationship with oil.

We'll all be able to stay connected over long distances, get to work and back every day, and take those long road trips...without help from the fickle sheiks and barons who control our every move.

FAREEDOM RINGS!

2008-09-30T09:30:00.004-05:00

Even McCain supporters are beginning to have a hard time with his choice for Vice President because the more she opens her mouth, the clearer it becomes: she is woefully under-qualified for the position. How could McCain possibly have come to the conclusion that Palin was the best person to succeed him as President of the United States? It makes no sense at all.

Fareed Zakaria, in this article, actually calls her "dangerously ignorant." He goes on to say that McCain's selection of her was "irresponsible" and in no way consistent with his commitment to always put "country first." In this critical decision, he was clearly not thinking of the country.

I loved Fareed before, but I love him even more now for calling it like it is: A massive political blunder that puts all Americans in danger.

Here's the original Newsweek article for your review.

CASE IN POINT:

COURIC: Why isn't it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries; allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

PALIN: That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, were ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health-care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy, helping the—it's got to be all about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health-care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, scary thing. But one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today, we've got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.

THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO

2008-09-26T18:12:00.004-05:00

In this photo, John McCain puts "country first," suspending his campaign so he can rush back to Washington and rescue the American economy.

PALIN COMPARISON

2008-09-26T08:42:00.003-05:00

Here's the person John McCain decided should succeed him as President of the United States of America in the event something should happen to him.

I don't know about you, but I'd feel safer with Katie Couric as Veep. She seems to have a better handle on world affairs.

BANKS FOR NOTHING!

2008-09-26T07:27:00.003-05:00

If you're wondering about money and banks and how in fuck's Eden we ended up in this mess, check out this informational cartoon. It's a 45-minute lesson on banking that explains all you need to know. For example, it describes how bank loans are not backed by assets in the vault. In fact, they're backed only by the signature of the person promising to pay it back. So, in essence, banks are creating money. They don't actually have the physical money to cover all of these loans they're handing out!

The result? Enough bad loans and WaMu - you're done!

Seriously, check out the vid. It's super enlightening as a morning econ refresher with your morning coffee.

Really - click on it and sit back. You will learn some amazing shit about banks. I didn't really know there was anything amazing about banks until I watched this, but MAN, what a scam these suits are running on us. All that money we've been borrowing?? It's all backed by deposits of other loans from other banks. LOANS. Not deposits of hard currency in circulation, but money created by banks. And it's all legal because our government was complicit in enabling the entire thing.

The bottom line is, as we all know, debt is BAD. But somewhere along the way, we were told that it was okay to have debt. In fact, it became NORMAL for Americans to owe the bank so much money it would take 30 YEARS to pay it back.

How is that normal? Think about that. Agreeing to give a quarter to half of your monthly income every month for 30 years to a bank in exchange for a house that leaks. And yet, that's what goes on every day. And it's easy to understand why. How else would any of us own anything? We'd all be renters because, let's face it, who has $200K sitting in the bank to buy a house? And if you did have $200K, you probably wouldn't dump it all on a house. That's a lot of beer money.

Check out the video. Every American should be versed on these simple principles so we understand what is happening. That way we'll be able to spot a bad bailout plan when we see one.

HEAD OF SKATE

2008-09-25T21:11:00.002-05:00

Now this is some funny shit right here. I like Matt Damon's comparison of Palin's selection to the plot of a Disney movie. These folks take it to the next level.

THINGS I FIND ONLINE THAT AMUSE ME

2008-09-17T22:04:00.000-05:00

Just sharing some of the fun stuff that comes my way.

PRICE HIKING

2008-09-17T08:45:00.003-05:00

Are you stashing cash in the lining of your mattress yet? Won't be long now and it'll be every man, woman, and child for his or herself. The hits keep coming with collapses of major lending institutions, insurance companies, secondary mortgage market players, the stock market, and the dollar overseas. Inflation has arrived and it's going to take a big chunk out of your wallet. Have you felt it yet? Retailers have.

Prices on everything are set to go up in Q4, beginning October 1st. Manufacturers have sent letters to distributors and resellers informing them of widespread price increases. Everything you bought yesterday will cost more tomorrow. For a while, the retail sector sought absorb these increases - hoping to win the price battle, trading margin to keep volume up. But they can't sustain the loss any longer. These price increases are about to get handed off to consumers. Get ready to tighten up that belt.

It won't be obvious at first. Large grocers, for example, know the secret to phasing in the price increase. They'll eat the cost of milk - a staple with which we're all familiar - and keep it hovering around the $3 a gallon mark. This lulls consumers into a false sense of economic security. As long as milk isn't going up, our subconscious tells us, prices across the board will be fine.

And then we see the total at the check out. Our $40 purchase is now $63.50. That $75 trip is now $101.24. Everything else we're buying is more expensive. Another tactic? Impossible math. You'd have to be Rainman to calculate the unit price of anything in the stores these days. This is something that has personally bothered me for years, but why can't the store ever tell me how much just ONE of something costs? Everything is 5 for $11, or 3 for $8.88, or BUY TWO, GET ONE FREE. I have to bring a calculator shopping to figure out that, on a per unit basis, I'm getting robbed.

The reason, of course, is simple. Grocers don't want you to know how much just one costs. That would make you an informed shopper. And informed shoppers are not good for business. What they want are zombie shoppers...people pacing the aisles, unwilling or unable to calculate costs on the fly, grabbing products and filling their carts. 6 for $10? Sounds like a great deal! Until you do the math and realize that $1.66 isn't a bargain for fucking yogurt.

Get smart. Do the math. Read the fine print on those tags where they list the unit price (if you can). Be informed. Make smarter decisions. Save money.

And stuff those savings in your mattress where they'll be safe.

I WILL RISE AGAIN! (BUT NOT TODAY)

2008-09-12T09:42:00.003-05:00

Yeah, this once-amusing blog that had oft flirted shamelessly with the subtle hilarities of human introspection has been reduced to an outlet for political propaganda.

I promise it won't be like this forever. I will rise again. I will have stories to tell about my life in corporate America. I will have heartfelt insights to share as a proud step-father. I will have keen observations to note in the realm of the defacatory arts. I will describe embarrassing moments. I will turn you onto Showtime's original programming, all of which is top-notch from Dexter to Weeds to Californication. I will tell you things that you may have heard but did not know were true: like the iPhone is pretty sweet, but the AT&T network is the absolute worst. I will wax philosophic on the role alcohol has played in advancing procreation.

But for today, more important matters are at hand. Somehow I feel obligated to share whenever someone has put into words something I wish I had the time to put into words.

Yes, it's political. So if that's going to turn you off, turn away now. Unless you're bored. Otherwise, wade a little deeper.

You know, McCain was once I guy I liked, admired, and respected. That was back when he wasn't afraid to break ranks with his crusty, white-bred party to support ideas that actually made sense. Believe it or not, the party of G-Dubs does not corner the market on brilliant ideas. That was back when he was "The Real McCain," or the "Maverick," as he so proudly calls himself these days. Fiercely independent. His own man.

But he's Rove's man these days. A man of the system. A victim, maybe. Another disappointment in a long line of disappointments, certainly.

These days he's all about fear and smear. And every time he's had an opportunity to stand up and do the right thing by denouncing these tactics as harmful to the process, calling for "reform" as he had so many times before he woke up and discovered he was viable, he's gone the way of the Rove. He's supported the fear. He's supported the smear.

There was a time I actually liked McCain. Andrew Sullivan essentially summarized for me the reasons I've moved away from him and no longer hold him in high esteem. I've posted it below for your reading pleasure. Just another career politician contributing to the problem...

*************************************
Andrew Sullivan on McCain's Integrity

10 Sep 2008 01:40 pm

For me, this surreal moment - like the entire surrealism of the past ten days - is not really about Sarah Palin or Barack Obama or pigs or fish or lipstick. It's about John McCain. The one thing I always thought I knew about him is that he is a decent and honest person.

When he knows, as every sane person must, that Obama did not in any conceivable sense mean that Sarah Palin is a pig, what did he do? Did he come out and say so and end this charade? Or did he acquiesce in and thereby enable the mindless Rovianism that is now the core feature of his campaign?

So far, he has let us all down. My guess is he will continue to do so. And that decision, for my part, ends whatever respect I once had for him. On core moral issues, where this man knew what the right thing was, and had to pick between good and evil, he chose evil.

When he knew that George W. Bush's war in Iraq was a fiasco and catastrophe, and before Donald Rumsfeld quit, McCain endorsed George W. Bush against his fellow Vietnam vet, John Kerry in 2004. By that decision, McCain lost any credibility that he can ever put country first. He put party first and his own career first ahead of what he knew was best for the country.

And when the Senate and House voted overwhelmingly to condemn and end the torture regime of Bush and Cheney in 2006, McCain again had a clear choice between good and evil, and chose evil.

He capitulated and enshrined torture as the policy of the United States, by allowing the CIA to use techniques as bad as and worse than the torture inflicted on him in Vietnam. He gave the war criminals in the White House retroactive immunity against the prosecution they so richly deserve. The enormity of this moral betrayal, this betrayal of his country's honor, has yet to sink in. But for my part, it now makes much more sense. He is not the man I thought he was.

And when he had the chance to engage in a real and substantive debate against the most talented politician of the next generation in a fall campaign where vital issues are at stake, what did McCain do? He began his general campaign with a series of grotesque, trivial and absurd MTV-style attacks on Obama's virtues and implied disgusting things about his opponent's patriotism.

And then, because he could see he was going to lose, ten days ago, he threw caution to the wind and with no vetting whatsoever, picked a woman who, by her decision to endure her own eight-month pregnancy of a Down Syndrome child in public, that he was going to reignite the culture war as a last stand against Obama. That's all that is happening right now: a massive bump in the enthusiasm of the Christianist base. This is pure Rove.

Yes, McCain made a decision that revealed many appalling things about him. In the end, his final concern is not national security. No one who cares about national security would pick as vice-president someone who knows nothing about it as his replacement. No one who cares about this country's safety would gamble the security of the world on a total unknown because she polled well with the Christianist base. No person who truly believed that the surge was integral to this country's national security would pick as his veep candidate a woman who, so far as we can tell anything, opposed it at the time.

McCain has demonstrated in the last two months that he does not have the character to be president of the United States. And that is why it is more important than ever to ensure that Barack Obama is the next president. The alternative is now unthinkable. And McCain - no one else - has proved it.

A MAVERICK ON THE HORN

2008-09-10T17:13:00.004-05:00

This is another gem for your files. Nothing like a political throwdown to get America's creative juices flowing. Check out the phone call McCain made to Sarah Palin when he asked her to be his running mate.

Good stuff!

PALIN-DRONING

2008-09-04T18:01:00.003-05:00

This Daily Show snippet is another classic. Calling out the hypocrites and their double standards by using their own words. Genius.

Seriously - this heretofore little-known woman, who I am certain is a fantastic person, is one slip in the shower away from being leader of the free world. One playful "boo!" away from the Oval Office. One more irregularly shaped mole away from an impromptu inauguration. And does anyone even know or care what she stands for? Has anyone seen her resume (or lack thereof?). That McCain would put us all in jeopardy with such an irresponsible selection when so many vastly more qualified running mates speaks volumes about the decision, which is an overt play to woo disenfranchised Hillary supporters away from their deeply held convictions and toward a vote of spite. Hell hath no fury...

Yeah...I saw the speech, and forgive me, but moved I was not. I disliked Hillary...but at least Hillary understood global warming, the science of evolution, and the function of a Vice President. In case you're unfamiliar, Sarah Palin has recently been unclear on all three, to put it nicely. Go ahead and YouTube it. Good stuff!

Look - we all have friends on both sides here. Smart people on both sides. But this isn't the Bears versus the Packers. It's a 4 year commitment to the policies and ideologies of a handful of people. Is there no compromise we can come to in this? Maybe Obama and McCain could just agree right now to take turns and swap being leader of the free world every month. At this point, I'd settle for that. I'm okay sharing. I can give a little to get a little. How about you?

After eight ruinous years, I am becoming genuinely afraid that the very rich, the very religious, and the very racist will unite to ensure we remain in a perpetual state of decline. At least then I suppose I'll be able to apply for my dream job: drilling in the arctic. Ice road trucking anyone?

THAT'S A FACT, JACK!

2008-08-25T11:43:00.004-05:00

BELOW: Political Analyst Jack Cafferty's commentary on the second coming of Bush. This shit is spot on. The fact that McCain is anywhere close to Obama in the polls is evidence of a country seemingly content with mediocrity. Why do we expect so little from our elected officials?

Or maybe my suspicions about polls are bearing out. How hard would it be for a handful of people to manipulate poll results toward influencing public opinion? Not too hard, I suspect. Decisions are made behind closed doors all day every day for the purpose of mass deception and coercion. And not just in Dick Cheney's office. Information is power. I don't believe the hype. I refuse to believe we would sooner perpetuate our nation's recent failures when we have an historical opportunity to turn the corner. Or is that simply the price of prejudice?

What say you, Jack?

***********For your files:

Russia invades Georgia and President Bush goes on vacation. Our president has spent one-third of his entire two terms in office either at Camp David, Maryland, or at Crawford, Texas, on vacation.

His time away from the Oval Office included the month leading up to 9/11, when there were signs Osama bin Laden was planning to attack America, and the time Hurricane Katrina destroyed the city of New Orleans.

Sen. John McCain takes weekends off and limits his campaign events to one a day. He made an exception for the religious forum on Saturday at Saddleback Church in Southern California.

I think he made a big mistake. When he was invited last spring to attend a discussion of the role of faith in his life with Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, at Messiah College in Pennsylvania, McCain didn't bother to show up. Now I know why.

It occurs to me that John McCain is as intellectually shallow as our current president. When asked what his Christian faith means to him, his answer was a one-liner. "It means I'm saved and forgiven." Great scholars have wrestled with the meaning of faith for centuries. McCain then retold a story we've all heard a hundred times about a guard in Vietnam drawing a cross in the sand.

Asked about his greatest moral failure, he cited his first marriage, which ended in divorce. While saying it was his greatest moral failing, he offered nothing in the way of explanation. Why not?

Throughout the evening, McCain chose to recite portions of his stump speech as answers to the questions he was being asked. Why? He has lived 71 years. Surely he has some thoughts on what it all means that go beyond canned answers culled from the same speech he delivers every day.

He was asked "if evil exists." His response was to repeat for the umpteenth time that Osama bin Laden is a bad man and he will pursue him to "the gates of hell." That was it.

He was asked to define rich. After trying to dodge the question -- his wife is worth a reported $100 million -- he finally said he thought an income of $5 million was rich.

One after another, McCain's answers were shallow, simplistic, and trite. He showed the same intellectual curiosity that George Bush has -- virtually none.

Where are John McCain's writings exploring the vexing moral issues of our time? Where are his position papers setting forth his careful consideration of foreign policy, the welfare state, education, America's moral responsibility in the world, etc., etc., etc.?

John McCain graduated 894th in a class of 899 at the Naval Academy at Annapolis. His father and grandfather were four star admirals in the Navy. Some have suggested that might have played a role in McCain being admitted. His academic record was awful. And it shows over and over again whenever McCain is called upon to think on his feet.

He no longer allows reporters unfettered access to him aboard the "Straight Talk Express" for a reason. He simply makes too many mistakes. Unless he's reciting talking points or reading from notes or a TelePrompTer, John McCain is lost. He can drop bon mots at a bowling alley or diner -- short glib responses that get a chuckle, but beyond that McCain gets in over his head very quickly.

I am sick and tired of the president of the United States embarrassing me. The world we live in is too complex to entrust it to someone else whose idea of intellectual curiosity and grasp of foreign policy issues is to tell us he can look into Vladimir Putin's eyes and see into his soul.

George Bush's record as a student, military man, businessman and leader of the free world is one of constant failure. And the part that troubles me most is he seems content with himself.

He will leave office with the country $10 trillion in debt, fighting two wars, our international reputation in shambles, our government cloaked in secrecy and suspicion that his entire presidency has been a litany of broken laws and promises, our citizens' faith in our own country ripped to shreds. Yet Bush goes bumbling along, grinning and spewing moronic one-liners, as though nobody understands what a colossal failure he has been.

I fear to the depth of my being that John McCain is just like him.

THE OLD FARTFUL DODGER

2008-08-24T22:46:00.003-05:00

Classic McCain. Here's a snippet from one of the Republican primary debates. Listen to the question, then try and track with McCain's answer. In case you forget what the question is, it's on the screen the entire time. I nearly had tears in my eyes as this guy talks about everything there is to talk about except the question. Then I realize it's because he either didn't hear it correctly, or forgot what it was 10 seconds into his answer. Good stuff here! Apparently there's a fine line between "experience" and "dementia."

OLYMPIC DREAMS

2008-08-14T15:49:00.002-05:00

Wish I had the time and energy to go off on the state of the world right now. Heaven knows there's plenty of shit that needs going off on. Unfortunately, I sold my soul to the man (for now) and owe all of my time to the folks writing me a check every two weeks. Freelance life is starting to look awfully good to me right about now.

If I were a freelance writer, you'd hire me - wouldn't you? But would you pay $75/hour. Sorry, that's my rate. I'm worth it. You know I am.

Anyhow - here's a great link for your amusement.

It's a look at some ways to make the Olympics more interesting. Very creative. Looking forward to 2012 already (isn't that the end of the world?)

TALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN

2008-08-14T15:47:00.002-05:00

Some of the pictures HERE are fucking hilarious. Gotta check 'em out. The controls to the slideshow are in the upper right hand corner of your browser window.

POP GOES THE BRAIN CELL

2008-07-29T09:24:00.001-05:00

Téléphone Portable + Maïs = Pop-corn - Micro Brain Wave

Not sure I like the implications of this experiment in modern technology. Hello speakerphone!

TATLAS SHRUGGED

2008-07-27T17:38:00.001-05:00

I USED TO OWN THIS TUNE

2008-07-19T21:48:00.002-05:00

Wow.

HOMEBODY BLUES

2008-07-17T11:49:00.004-05:00

Man - I haven't been anywhere. I'm a total loser. This is what happens when you have a fear of flying. But I've been getting a lot better. Even made it all the way to Hawaii for my wedding!

Thanks to Prenta for sharing this fun site. Go check it out. They let you check off all of the states and countries you've visited and map it out for you.

FEEL IT?

2008-07-07T20:02:00.000-05:00

Raging, man. You can't stop this juggernaut.

INDEPENDENCE DAY EXAMINATION

2008-07-02T13:26:00.003-05:00

As we get set to celebrate another fine year of independence from the Redcoats, I thought it appropriate that I administer a POP QUIZ. Don't worry, I took it first to make sure it was something you could handle. It's not that hard. It's a citizenship test and all Americans should be able to pass it. Can you?

Take the test right now!

For your reference, I scored 95%, missing just one question (#19). I hope you beat me, but doubt you will. I am very, very smart...and you are, well, sometimes you get your shoes on the right feet.

That's right...I'm trash talking. Now go take the test and find out whether you're worthy of calling yourself an American. Sorry, there's no version en espanol. English is the official language here, after all. For now, anyhow. That will be changing soon at the rate Mexico is spilling into the southwest - a large part of which, incidentally, had actually been part of Mexico at one point. So perhaps we shouldn't call it illegal immigration, but rather The Formerly Mexico Reclamation Project.

So what did you get? On the test. You didn't take it yet? Go now and find out if you bleed red, white, and blue. And no, I don't mind if you marvel at my greatness. That's what gets me out of bed most mornings.

PEOPLE ARE FUNNY

2008-07-01T14:57:00.001-05:00

Gotta love one-upsmanship in the shitter.

BURRO TREND'S ASS OF THE YEAR

2008-06-26T10:20:00.002-05:00

Here's a look at life in the not so distant future if the price of oil continues to climb. We'll be shopping for transportation at AssMax and picking up spare stirrups at the DonkeyZone.

WHERE THE HELL IS MATT?

2008-06-22T20:16:00.002-05:00

Matt's back. In case you missed his first round the globe dance explosion, here's the latest. This dude is hilarious, and his feat fun to watch.

NOW WAY, JOSE!

2008-06-21T09:43:00.005-05:00

Here's an ID card confiscated by police during a traffic stop. You have to admire the resourcefulness of some folks...just not in this case. Wow.

I showed this image to my favorite 8 year old to get his thoughts.

He said, "Why is that lady there?"

"What do you mean?" I said.

"That lady," he said, and pointed at the woman in the photo. She's not supposed to be there."

"What does that tell you?" I asked.

"It's not real," he said confidently.

Smart kid. Smarter than Jose, anyway.

TRAILER PARKING

2008-06-20T11:48:00.002-05:00

Oh shit...get ready for Will Farrell's next classic. Check out that restricted trailer. Good stuff.

LINKS AND PLUGS

2008-06-20T09:18:00.002-05:00

My buddy Gene at Graphic-promotions.com sent me this cool snapshot of online resources. It's like a master bookmark page organized by category with site logos for easy reference. I can see the older set really taking advantage of something like this.

On a side note, if your company is ever in the market for promotional items from custom apparel to desk items to corporate gifts, you simply MUST check out Graphic Promotions. Tell them you heard about it here and you'll get the AYNtK discount. Okay, so there's no discount for dropping the name of your favorite typing monkey. But they'll treat you like a VIP regardless. Seriously, check out all the cool stuff you can order up!

FAVORITE TOWER, SEARS

2008-06-20T08:14:00.002-05:00

Was sent this by a few of my Chicago peeps and it's a scream. Anyone who grew up in or around the Second City will appreciate this fine piece of Chicagocana.

SHALL WE OVERCOME?

2008-06-17T17:01:00.003-05:00

Oh my. Here's a pin someone found at the Republican state convention in Texas. The mere fact that someone turned this into a pin indicates the O-Bomb has his work cut out for him.

INSTANT CLASSIC

2008-06-17T08:30:00.001-05:00

Scary how true this is.

GIVE ME A BREAK!

2008-06-12T15:15:00.003-05:00

A tax break, of course!

One of the Republican talking points I've been hearing a lot lately is this idea that Obama wants to raise taxes. I personally find it hard to believe that we'd be WORSE off financially if we leave Iraq with Obama versus sticking around another century or two with McCain. The war has been a huge hole in Uncle Sam's pocket. How is McCain planning to cut taxes AND keep fighting this red herring of a war?

Turns out he's not, really. Pay attention to this, folks. According to the tax experts, 90% of Americans will pay less taxes under Obama's plan than McCain's.

The party of big taxes actually figures to save you some coin over the alternative - to say nothing of the lives we'll be saving when we start bringing the troops back. I mean - shit - didn't Bush declare our mission accomplished back in 03 or something like that? Give me a break.

IS YOUR NUMBER UP?

2008-06-08T19:56:00.000-05:00

THE LEGEND OF THE DISAPPOINTING SEQUEL

2008-06-05T13:58:00.005-05:00

G and I walked down to Webster Place last evening to take in the 8pm showing of the hit movie "Sex and the City" only to have fate, and hundreds of women with the same plan, intervene and spoil what was sure to be an otherwise thrilling evening.

THE MOVIE WAS SOLD OUT. Yes, a Wednesday night movie.

We couldn't believe it. Not only that, but the box office was turning away droves of movie-goers at the door. All women. Not most, mind you - ALL. I was the ONLY man there, and had I not been wearing my wedding band, I would have felt like my wife's little gay friend.

But these are the things we do for love. Speaking of which, G returned the favor by agreeing to sit through Indiana Jones and the Legend of the Crystal Skull with me instead. We'd walked all that way - there was no sense in walking back just yet. Although in hindsight, we both wished we would have.

SPOILER ALERT - AS IN, THIS MOVIE WILL SPOIL YOUR EVENING

So - sequels tend to suck. We all know this. But I was holding out hope that the much-anticipated return of Indiana Jones would prove worth waiting for. Boy, was it not. It wasn't even worth waiting THROUGH. In all seriousness, we both considered walking out about half way through the movie. It was THAT absurdly poor. I haven't disliked a film this much since Armageddon. Remember that wildly ludicrous and predictable piece of crap?

Before I insult anyone who's already seen and LIKED the movie, I should qualify this review by admitting that my wife and I are movie snobs. We like silly things like plot. We like compelling storytelling devices. We like witty dialogue. We like well-developed characters.

We loathe the predictable.
We loathe the contrived.
We loathe the convenient.

This movie was a nauseating amalgam of all three.

We actually groaned in disgust about a dozen times from the mind-blowingly ridiculous plot. Whoever penned the screenplay for this outlandish waste of time should have their hands permanently wrapped in mittens so they can do us no more damage. Sadly, that may mean saying goodbye to George Lucas, whose name was co-credited with the story. Good riddance, captain fantasmic. Your best days are clearly behind you.

At times it felt like Spielberg and Lucas were in an epic battle to decide who could insult the intelligence of the audience more - deftly outdoing one another, obnoxiously impossible stunt after unimaginatively contrived circumstance. Killer ants. Aliens. A nuclear explosion. Deadly waterfalls. It was brutal.

Look - I get it. There's supposed to be a willingful suspension of disbelief where the audience understands that these things are unlikely or implausible, and is willing to accept the story despite its incongruencies with the world as we know it. But this was beyond ridiculous. It may as well have been in Narnia. Why even pretend this movie took place in this world? Raiders of the Lost Ark was a masterpiece for the very reason this one was a piece of shit: No matter how impossible things seemed in the original, there was always a part of you that thought, "well, maybe." You wanted to believe that Dr. Jones was able to escape death in creative ways, so you let things go. The storyline was simple - there was an ark, and an amazing race to find it.

But the writers here push us WAY outside the realm of what's even remotely possible. At no time was I thinking, "well, maybe." I was thinking, "Are you fucking kidding me? That's just plain insulting." But we suffered through it, nonetheless, because we'd paid $21 to see it. Not exactly the experience I had been hoping for. Some people think movies like this one are made for kids, but this was a violent, PG-13 rated movie that missed the mark there, too. Although it must have been okay for SOME people - at least two people clapped at the end of our showing. Although G thought they may have been clapping because it was finally over. I know I was relieved.

The movie let out at the same time as Sex and the City - which we gathered was a far better film from the parade of exuberant, chatty women laughing it up on the way out. G covered her ears to avoid hearing anything about the story, and I covered my face to hide the shame of having just stumbled out of a bloody shitstorm.

By the way, let me drop the 411 for all you single men out there. It's no secret - Sex and the City is a chick flick, but I didn't think I'd be the ONLY guy there to see it. If you are a single man in the city, you may want to hang around the cineplex for the next week or two. Just throwing that out there. And if you do decide to take in the movie itself, you'll likely enjoy it more than you think you will...the writers for that show are actually a gifted, insightful bunch. It's a shame they couldn't have tried their hand at IJ.

Need more? This link here really nails it.

LIMBO LOWER NOW

2008-05-23T14:57:00.002-05:00

How low can she go?

Hillary Clinton dismissed calls again today to drop out of the race, and shocked the world by bringing up the assassination of Senator Robert Kennedy in defense of her decision!

"My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. I don't understand it," she said.

So let's understand this, shall we? Mathematically out of contention, Hillary is now saying that she is going to remain in the race just on the off chance Obama happens to get shot and killed. I mean holy mother of all things disturbing is that not one of the most fucked up rationales for ANYTHING that you've ever heard?

I can't beat you, but I am going to keep up the fight just in case you are killed. Wow. That's got to make Obama wonder just a little bit, don't ya think?

Time for the superdelegates to step forward and end this thing already. They are her last hope. She needs an overwhelming number of superdelegates to buck the trend and vote against the will of the people in order to wrest the nomination away. Something that's not likely to happen. Why don't these superdelegates go public right now so we can move on already? The drama isn't good for anyone. Pick a side already.

And let's not forget the influence of my friend Ed, who claims to be a "Super Duper Delegate." Apparently his vote counts the same as 100 superdelegates. And then there's the mega mega super duper delegate, the ultra mega mega super duper delegate, and the grandpappy of them all, Carlos Delegado. Whatever happened to voting anyhow? This whole democratic republic thing is complicated!

SAY CHEESE!

2008-05-23T12:30:00.003-05:00

I'm sure you're familiar with Google Street View by now. If not, it's time to wake up for work...you're late! And smile when you do, because Google Street View may be cruising with a camera near you.

Basically, those ambitious Google folks decided that mapping the entire world wasn't good enough - they wanted to show pictures of what it looks like wherever you go. So they've been driving around with special cameras photographing the streets and adjacent facades of communities all over the country. In fact, you may be able to see YOUR house right now!

Needless to say, some people aren't too thrilled about the idea of giving the world instant access to images of private residences - even if the images are captured from public streets. At issue is the level of detail afforded by these pics. You can see and identify actual people in many of them.

Check out some of these scenes captured by the Google cam. We always thought it would be the government spying on us. Turns out our our Big Brother is Google nation.

TECHNOLOGY. ENTERTAINMENT. DESIGN.

2008-05-22T21:17:00.002-05:00

If you've never seen TED, I encourage you to do so. It's one of my favorite sites and a place you will find great hope for humanity. TED is this think-tank conference that's held every year in Monterrey CA where the best and the brightest from around the world get together and share ideas. Architects. Scientists. Inventors. Musicians. Doctors. Entrepreneurs. I've been watching these short, entertaining speeches for a year now and can't get enough. There's something here for everyone.

Want to get a look at the future? See TED.

OILAHOLICS ANONYMOUS

2008-05-22T10:34:00.006-05:00

Is anyone else LOVING these high gas prices? Fuck yeah. I hope they keep rising. Yes, seriously. Because we need to get pissed as a people. We need to open our eyes and understand what's going on in the world - and nothing gets people to open their eyes more than making them open their wallets more.

There have been voices for years telling people to drive smarter. DECADES. There have been calls for car manufacturers to develop more fuel efficient cars. There have been demands of government to explore renewable and alternative sources of energy to subsidize our national addiction to oil. But does anything ever really change? Hasn't had to...until now.

As long as there was cheap gas, all these voices were drowned out by the revving of our nation's complicit economic engine. Lawmakers continued accepting tossed salads from the oil lobbies. Carmakers ignored the worldwide trend toward fuel efficiency, promoting size and power over miles per gallon. Consumers insisted on buying Hummers and other behemoths that get 12 miles to the gallon so they could feel more powerful on the road. In today's world, it's not a comfort thing or a safety thing - it's an ego thing. And the sooner we get over ourselves, the better off we'll be.

Because today people are pissed off.

Finally.

And the American carmakers are concerned because foreign carmakers are way ahead of them in the fuel efficiency fight. And politicians are taking note that their jobs may be at stake if they don't start forcing industry to invest in alternative energy. And people are only now realizing that when they bought that massive suburban palace 45 miles from where they work, they were tethering their future economic well-being to the price of oil.

I sit in traffic on 90/94 every day to go a lousy three miles. It's a crawl, but still faster than negotiating surface streets. And while I'm idling forward at the speed of a man recovering from hip replacement surgery, I can't help but look around and think of all the poor souls who are driving far longer distances than 3 lousy miles. And they do it twice. Every day. I pass a good three or four neighborhoods to get home everyday, but most of the people I share that same road with will keep going until the city ends, then pass three or four entire suburbs before finally getting off and heading home. Meanwhile, I've had a good jog, a warm shower, and the burgers on the grill are almost done.

These high prices are a wake up call to America. Do not hit the snooze bar. Some analysts are on record as saying $12 a gallon is "inevitable." Reread that if it didn't sink in. We keep expecting the price will go down at some point - but why would it? World demand for oil is increasing as foreign economies require more to fuel their growth. And we've shown little ability to lay off the black sauce - no matter how high prices climb. Some say we can't - we built our urban and suburban communities on the availability of oil. We spread out.

We need to contract. We need to come together. Love thy neighbor again. Live closer to work. Learn to share again. Give up some of that precious space. Buy my condo - it's probably a little smaller than the master bathroom in your current house, but it's close to the beach and you might be able to walk to work.

Weaning ourselves off of oil is going to require making sacrifices. It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be necessary. I just hope you didn't hear that here first.

SPOILED ROTTEN

2008-05-20T21:37:00.001-05:00

Wouldn't this make a sweet fucking t-shirt? That's what I'm talking about, Willis.

SWEET FADE AWAY

2008-05-20T20:37:00.003-05:00

I am LOVING the media coverage of the Democratic Primary tonight. Apparently, Clinton is claiming to have received more total votes than Obama. Sounds like an episode of Mythbusters may be in order. Last I checked, two of the states she's trying to count in her total, Michigan and Florida, were disfuckingqualified well before the first vote was ever cast. But she's going to go ahead and count those votes anyhow - even though Obama wasn't even on the ballot in Michigan! Nice. Further she's decided not to count the states that held Caucuses instead of elections because Caucuses don't give people an opportunity to actually cast a vote. And maybe also because Obama won HUGE in the states where they held Caucuses!

What irks me to no end is how any otherwise intelligent, rational person would be able to, at least with a straight face, get up in front of thousands of people and make a claim so transparently contrived and inaccurate! How does she do it? With conviction! Meanwhile, she's thanking the Kentucky Fried Working Class voters for another big victory. She's been campaigning there all week...I'm actually surprised she didn't do better. The headlines on all the news channels report "Hillary wins big in Kentucky." That's not news in a state full of old, white, working class people. We just saw her lean on that same base in West Virginia.

Here's some news: "Obama blows off Kentucky and still gets 30% of the vote." Amazing, really.

Here's a question for you. Do you suppose there are more people who won't vote for HIllary because she is a woman than people who won't vote for Barack because he is black? This keeps me up at night. Do the two cancel each other out? How can you poll something like that? Would anyone actually admit to NOT voting for someone because of their ethnicity or gender? We know it's happening - but how much of it is really going on? We also know people are voting FOR Hillary because she is a woman and FOR Barack because he is black. Do these votes cancel out? And why do only a third of Clinton supporters say they'll vote for Obama if he wins the nomination? Who are the other two thirds and what's their issue with the O Bomb? Would they really abandon the ticket out of spite and sentence America to another 4 years of Republican misdirection? Pull your heads out of your asses and get with the program. We're bringing change, people. And he's got a sweet fade away jumper.

OVER THE HILL

2008-05-14T13:29:00.003-05:00

Hillary Clinton proved herself Mountain Mama of West Virginia with a landslide 2-to-1 victory over Barack Obama Tuesday night. To pull of this crushing victory, Clinton relied heavily upon her base of poor, undereducated white racists.

Again and again, state after state, Clinton has proved her appeal to this important segment - a large group of democratic voters many believe will not support for Obama when he is crowned the party's nominee, no matter how white his mother was.

Indeed, Clinton's strategy in recent weeks has been to stress the importance of capturing the broken hearts and polluted minds of poor, undereducated white racist voters - going so far as to say Obama cannot become president without their blessing.

The numbers actually support her.

In contest after contest, poor undereducated white racists overwhelmingly support Clinton. Better educated people of all races, meanwhile, have been gradually gravitating toward Obama.

Obama's campaign admits his appeal to downtrodden whites with ties to the Klan is not where they would like it to be, but says he will continue reaching out despite their generations-old bias against people of color.

The Clinton campaign also issued a statement saying that their victory in West Virginia was not the work of poor, undereducated white racists, but rather thanks to her two other key constituent groups, older Americans and blue-collar workers.

But according to a well-known democratic strategist who wished to remain anonymous, "That's just another way of saying the same thing. In West Virginia, 98% of older Americans and working-class people happen to be poor, undereducated white racists."

So there you have it.

MOW BETTA BLUES

2008-05-10T10:31:00.001-05:00

Mow, mow, mow your lawn...gently down the stream.

Now that's dedication, friends. Or OCD.

OIL IS A NON-PROFIT VENTURE

2008-05-09T11:58:00.001-05:00

According to big oil, no one is making a dime off those astronomical prices, so I guess we should all quit our bitching...

INTERNATIONAL ESTATES

2008-05-08T14:02:00.002-05:00

Location, location, location. Have a look see at what your money will get for you in the U.S. real estate market versus other places in the world. It's no wonder homes here aren't selling - look what you can get if you think outside the country!

HILLARY MEANS CHANGE!

2008-05-06T10:29:00.002-05:00

And cash. If this guy gets a contactless reader he'll be processing credit card transactions at the speed of latte.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BARACK

2008-05-02T22:08:00.001-05:00

BIG NEWS!

2008-05-01T12:02:00.003-05:00

Case in point: Our media has fucked up priorities. This is a screen cap from TODAY. This is why the Reverend Wright story gets so much play - the media has nothing else to report! They're now covering wildlife emergencies. At least they found something to focus on besides the controversial ramblings of a man with an opinion. Last I checked we're allowed to have those. And Obama has stated he does not agree with many of Wright's opinions. So let's fucking move on already. Do we really need 24/7 OpEd coverage on cable news debating the authenticity of his denouncement? Who's setting the editorial agenda over there every morning?

Here's what you need to know. Obama has sealed up the nomination. It's virtually impossible for Clinton to mount any kind of an argument for the nomination when he leads her in votes, pledged delegates, states, and coolness. There are dozens of superdelegates lined up to pledge their support to Obama - it's just a matter of time before the casket closes on Hill & Bill.

In the mean time, the media is forced to manufacture controversy. This is not a good thing. It keeps us from focusing on the important differences between what Obama is offering America and John McSame's tired talking points. McSame was recently asked on a Sunday morning talk program about universal health care coverage and why it wouldn't work here. He revealed his ignorance on the topic with the rhetorical retort: "Well, look at Canada." Actually, John, looking at Canada would be an argument in FAVOR of universal health care...not against it, because it WORKS QUITE WELL IN CANADA. In fact, it works quite well in EVERY country that has it!

But the Republican talking points memorandum on Universal Health Care is to make the presumptive argument that it's not working in other countries by saying "Look at [other country]." Very clever. But thanks to Michael Moore's brilliant documentary on the state of health care in this country, we're onto the lie.

Why can't the mainstream media spend more time uncovering the truth behind some of these political falsehoods instead of peppering our attention with manufactured controversies and breaking news stories about pelicans stuck in trees?